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Removing Grudges in Sha’aban
Sha'aban is a forgotten month, where the Prophet ﷺ really encouraged preparing for Ramadan. This is a month to purify our hearts to enter into the month of Qur'an. But how can we purify ourselves if we are holding onto grudges and animosity towards others?
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Welcome to our live webinar. We have a special treat tonight. Inshallah today we are going to be talking about removing grudges during Shaban. We have a wonderful speaker, Ustada Lubna Mulla, and she's going to be talking about preparing during the month of Shaban and getting ready for Ramadan. The month of Shaban is often a forgotten month, but a wonderful month in order to purify our hearts and get into the mindset to make the most out of Ramadan. When we're carrying things, unnecessary things with us, it impedes from our full potential. So, welcome Sister Lubna. It's very nice to have you. Jazakumullah Khairan. Thank you. You're so sweet. Sister Lubna, she is a motivational speaker and a community educator. She is also a fellow at Yaqeen Institute where she's on the board of directors. And she is also an IOK Muslim captain at UCLA. So without further ado, inshallah, the floor is yours. Thank you. Jazakumullah Khairan. Thank you so much, Sister Najwa. Bismillah wa salatu wa salam ala Rasulullah. I'm very excited to actually have this discussion tonight, inshallah, and really to benefit all of us, including myself, and remind ourselves of the benefits of taking this time before Ramadan to clear our heart and in particular, removing our hearts from having any grudges. So I wanted to share some hadith, some ayat, and some reflections about why this is so important, how we can go about doing this, and what are some of the barriers and why sometimes it's difficult to let go of these grudges, inshallah. So to start off, I want to narrate a couple of hadith. You know, subhanAllah, it's so interesting that this is a direct
direction from Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. Abu Tha'labah, he reported that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said on the middle night of Shaban, in the middle of this month, Allah looks down upon his creation and he forgives the believers, gives respite to the unbelievers, and he abandons the people of malice, to their malice, until they leave it. SubhanAllah, and here in Arabic, the word malice is translated, it is al-hiqt. Al-hiqt is having this enmity, this malice, you know, this feeling of ill will towards other people. So that's interesting that Allah ﷻ will forgive everybody except for those who commit shirk and will leave those alone for those people who have grudges in their hearts. SubhanAllah, another hadith, Abu Musa reported that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said that verily Allah looks down in the middle of the night of Shaban and he forgives all of his creatures except for an idolater, the one who commits shirk, or one harboring malice. And what's interesting here, I mean in both English translations the word malice is used, but here the word in Arabic is al-mushahin. Mushahin is again one who holds grudge, and what's interesting, it's, you know, coming from the root word of to charge, to charge up, to fill up something. And what's so powerful about this word is that when you think about a grudge, about holding malice towards somebody, having enmity in your heart, having hatred, all of these things, all of these kind of negative emotions that we have, they're so powerful, they literally fill up your heart. And what happens when your heart is full with all of this, with this anger and, you know, reminding yourself of this, maybe this bad event or series of bad events or major injustice that has happened to you, it is so full you're not able to enjoy your life,
you're not able to see the good in other people sometimes, your health can get affected. There's so much space that is taken up in your heart, there's no room for so many of the beautiful things that can come and beautify your heart. So it really, really makes sense why we are reminded, before you want to fill up your heart with Qur'an, with the benefits of fasting, with charity. SubhanAllah, many of us, we pay zakat in the holy month of Ramadan because we want to reap the rewards of, you know, all of our good deeds being multiplied, or just being charitable in general. How are we really, really able to do it if our heart is full with all of this, all of these really negative emotions? Ibn Umar, he reported that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, he said, forgive each other and drop the grudges between yourself. And one thing I wanted to point out here, I feel like sometimes we use this word grudge very lightly. Oh, I'm holding a grudge. But this is really like you're holding on to this negative memory, this bad feeling that you have about somebody because of something that they have done to you, they've wronged you. And it may very much, you may have definitely the right to have this bad feeling, to hold this grudge. You may have really been oppressed, or really been treated wrongly. But the idea here is not about who's right and wrong. As a matter of fact, I'm sure we've heard the hadith before, and I'm paraphrasing it loosely here, about the one who's given a palace in the middle of Jannah, in the middle of the heights of Jannah, for two people who are arguing, and the one person leaves the argument, even though he or she may be correct. That's how important it is not to further hatred and enmity and anger between brothers and sisters,
SubhanAllah. And I mean that brothers and sisters in humanity, brothers and sisters in Islam. And As-Sana'ani, one of the great scholars in Islam, he further defined what grudges mean. And he said, grudges are malice, enmity, and hatred. Indeed, they are among the great sins. So let them fall away from your hearts and purify your hearts from them. So again, we're just trying to kind of cover this idea of how harmful grudges are, so that we can kind of get, really wrap our minds around it, and sincerely work towards accomplishing this great feat, Inshallah. This is another beautiful hadith I wanted to share with you. Anas ibn Malik, we know that he lived for quite several years with Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. He shared the advice that the beloved messenger, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, shared with him. And he said, young man, said to Anas ibn Malik, he said, young man, if you are able every morning and evening to remove any malice in your heart towards anyone, do so. Then the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, young man, that is my sunnah. Whoever revives my sunnah has loved me, and whoever loves me will be with me. In paradise. Allahu Akbar. I mean, who doesn't want that? Is it really worth hanging on to those bad feelings? Is it really worth having hatred and thinking, you know, and thinking about, I wanted to say, hatred doesn't just stop there. You know, what happens when you have hatred for somebody? Sometimes you're thinking about holding back from them, you know, some type of a subtle, passive, aggressive type of revenge. You're not going to enact harm upon them. Well, maybe I'm not going to invite them anymore. Well, maybe I'm not going to pick up their kids from school, or maybe I'm not going to donate money to that family anymore. You know, it has, you know, it's, it's, it really has repercussions. It has a rippling effect, where it's not just one person that you don't like,
it really is going to affect other people around them. It's going to affect you in many ways. And we're definitely going to talk about that. Because that's, I think, the biggest takeaway is how grudges affect you at the end of the day. So going back on that Hadith, imagine that we make this intention that every morning and every, every evening, that we remove any bad feelings, ill will, hatred that we have towards anyone. And there are plenty of people who have done us wrong. There are plenty of people, subhanAllah, who have really committed some grave things against us. But so the idea here is not to not acknowledge the harm that has been done. It is, well, what do we do with it? How long are we going to hold on to it? And are we really going to allow those feelings to fester for years and years and years, sometimes passing on those feelings of malice down to our kids, down to our, you know, everybody, please shy away from this person, shun them, because they have wronged us. Right. And so it really has long lasting effects. So subhanAllah, it's so important that we really take a hard look at those grudges that we hold and who it is that we hold them against. Abu Huraira radiallahu anhu, he said that Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam said, the gates of paradise are opened on Monday and Thursday. Allah forgives every servant who does not associate any with him, except a man with hatred between himself and his brother. It will be said delay these two until they reconcile, delay these two until they reconcile. SubhanAllah. Again, you know, we have these opportunities, you know, here's the positive and the really, you know, I should say, they're both positive things. They're both admonitions. But the beautiful thing, one beautiful aspect is that Monday and Thursday, the gates of paradise are open. So our deeds are taken up to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. One of the great reasons to fast on Monday and Thursday,
as Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam used to say about sha'ban that, you know, there are different times when our deeds are taken up to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. On Mondays and Thursdays, also during the month of sha'ban, and he said, I would not want to be in a state, and I'm paraphrasing, except for that, to be in a state of fasting. So he really increased the amount of fasting that he did in sha'ban sallallahu alayhi wasallam. So again, on Monday and Thursday, another good reason, aside from being the son of Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam, that these are the days in which the gates of paradise are open and our deeds are sent up to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. But secondarily, the other part to take away is that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala forgives every servant, as long as they do not commit shirk, except the one who has malice or hatred between himself or herself and another person. And it will be said to them, delay these two, delay their forgiveness until they reconcile. Delay these two until they reconcile. Really, again, something for us to really absorb and consider properly. As we remember in Hadithat al-Ifk, the situation in which Aisha radhilau anha, when she forgot her necklace, or she lost her necklace during one of the outings of Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam, and she was with the caravan. She left the caravan to look for her necklace, and they left without her as her, the haudaj, the carrier above the camel, it was closed and it was so light, they didn't notice that she wasn't there. Long story short, she fell asleep, she was lost, and one of the companions brought her back. And of course, we know of the great slander that had happened after that. Well, one of the slanderers was related to Abu Bakr, the father of Aisha radhilau anhuma.
So he was internalizing this pain of having his daughter's name smeared. And the person that was involved in this slander was a relative of Abu Bakr radhilau anhu, and he was not only that, was also giving money in charity to support this young man. And so in his heart, he was starting to feel that he's no longer going to donate anymore. He's no longer going to be charitable to this person for what this man had done in smearing his daughter's name. And what did Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala say in Surah An-Nur? Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, فَادْعَوْذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيمِ Do not let the people of virtue and affluence among you swear to suspend donations to their relatives, the needy and the immigrants in the cause of Allah. Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love to be forgiven by Allah? And Allah is all forgiving, most merciful. SubhanAllah. What a beautiful, beautiful reminder. I mean, in the heat of the moment, you have this feeling of, you know, exacting revenge, like I said, in this way of you're not going to harm somebody, but you're going to remove the khair. You're going to remove the good. Don't we say that? Don't we say that? Don't we think that in our minds sometimes? Well, they don't deserve the good things that I'm doing, the good favors. I do these favors. I help. I donate. Whatever it is. And so you automatically just want to kind of exact this subtle, passive revenge by withholding the good. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is reminding us, don't let the people of virtue and affluence, people who can't afford to give charity, the people of virtue, the good people, don't swear to withhold the good things that you are doing and you should pardon, which is overlooking and forgiving. Do you not love to be forgiven by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala? Do we not want to be forgiven by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala? I'm asking you, all of you that are listening and myself, and I really did an evaluation for myself, and there are people
I need to call. You know, they may not know that maybe I have some feeling in my heart. I'm not going to tell them I have a bad feeling, but really I want to call on them. I'm going to check on them. If you receive a call from me tonight, no, I probably don't have a grudge, but maybe just in the spirit of Ramadan, we'll mix it up. But we really, I really implore all of you to evaluate who do you have bad feeling towards in a slight way and in a major way. Journal it, write it down, and really make the intention from now. I ask you to make the intention from now to really take in this concept of releasing the grudge. Do we not want Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to forgive us? We do. So this is one of the steps. SubhanAllah, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says in surah number 42, and whoever endures patiently and forgives, surely this is a resolve to aspire to. This is one of the great aspirations, one of the great matters. SubhanAllah, is to what? To endure patiently. Don't we have to endure other people, their issues, how they affect us, how we affect them? I've been talking this whole time about the grudges we hold against people for the wrongs they've done to us. Haven't we possibly upset other people knowingly and possibly unknowingly? So when we endure these interactions with human beings, our loved ones, ones that are at work, at school, in our communities, we have to endure patiently and be willing to forgive. As Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is reminding us, this is really a resolve to aspire to. May Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala make us of those people who resolve to be patient and to be forgiving. And I wanted to bring our attention in surah al-Hashr, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is sharing with us the story of the Ansar, the people of Ansar who really lent a hand, lent their wealth, lent their time and their efforts and their businesses and their family to help the muhajireen, those people who were making the hijrah from Mecca to Medina. They were in need, subhanAllah. And a beautiful supplication that they made. And those who came after them, meaning the muhajireen, the who came after them in faith. So this would be the Ansar who accepted Islam later. They said, our Lord, forgive us and our fellow believers who preceded us in faith. Right? The muhajireen would be those who have preceded them in faith. And do not allow bitterness into our hearts towards those who believe. Our Lord, indeed, you are ever gracious, most merciful. And of course, there was some talk of at that time when there was a battle and them recovering the spoils of war and who should take it, so on and so forth. So subhanAllah, when it comes to wealth, when it comes to inheritance, when it comes to suitors for marriage, people just having success in their life, maybe within the same family, someone is more successful than somebody else. And that success looks differently. Somebody is getting married and maybe another sibling is not, or having children and someone else. There are so many, even subhanAllah, lighter reasons why perhaps
we may have this enmity in our hearts. But we pray just like the Ansar, do not allow bitterness into our hearts. Why? Because bitterness festers. Bitterness leads to anger, anger leads to revenge. And that action of revenge is really something deadly because again, it starts with an individual, it affects another individual, it can affect another family, it can really corrupt an entire community. And I'm sure some of you have witnessed some of this, how a grudge between two individuals has really affected an entire community. Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala protect us from this fitna and protect us from these feelings of stirring up in our hearts, inshaAllah. So I wanted to take a moment now and talk about, well, how do we go about releasing these grudges? And some of the scholars in Islam talk about tazkiyah, talk about purification of the heart, a beautiful shortened phrase, that to release and get rid of the bad deeds, do so before you beautify, before you beautify, or tahlil is to beautify your heart with the good deeds. And that's not to say if you're in a transition of doing anything, don't do anything good until you get rid of all of your bad, but it is a concept. And again, when we spoke earlier about al-mushahin, the one who's charging up, the one who's filled up with all of this hatred, there's no space, there's no space, your heart is consumed. So tahlil, empty it, get rid of it, clean it out before you're able to beautify your heart in this lesson, upcoming month of Ramadan, inshaAllah. So when we embrace that general concept, there are some ways in which we can go ahead and start this process of releasing these grudges.
First and foremost, I think it's really important for us to stay in the heart of the Qur'an, and I think it's really important for us to state that by releasing a grudge does not mean you have to excuse the act of the person who has committed wrong against you. It does not mean you have to say, it's okay, what happened, it wasn't really bad, it could have been illegal, it could have been a crime, you don't have to dismiss that, you can acknowledge the harm and the hurt. But what you're choosing to do when you release a grudge is you are choosing to disconnect yourself from that hurt that is forever tying you to that individual. It is forever taking up space in your heart. Forgiving another individual is not to say, is not to excuse the other person, but it is to say, I am releasing this pain from my heart. And it's something that takes time. I'm sure some of you, myself included, we find ourselves making the intention, maybe we've heard a similar talk or something has touched us, and we really felt motivated, you know, I want to start the year anew. I'm going for Hajj or Umrah, I'm going to rectify all of my affairs, I'm entering the month of Ramadan, I want to purify my heart. So you do it and you feel pretty good about it. Then something reminds you of this injustice, something reminds you of this toxic relationship, this abusive relationship, this wrong that somebody has committed against you. And again, those feelings come back. So then you question yourself and you wonder, well, did I never really do it sincerely? Why are the feelings coming back? And this is something, Sister Nedjua, this is in your, up your alley, if you have any thoughts or reflections, you know, on anything that I've talked about,
or particularly in this area, you know, why does sometimes we feel like we start on this road to releasing a grudge, and it just kind of keeps nipping at us at the back of our head. You know, that's very true. And I'm so glad you addressed it along with so many other myths. Sometimes we think that we make the intention that we're going to forgive, and then it's done. Like you move on, and it's an easy thing, and it's not going to come back. But why is there so much reward associated with forgiveness? Because it's not an easy thing. It's not an easy thing. And so if that happens to you, know that you haven't done anything wrong. We know from our scholars that sometimes we have to renew our intention over and over and over again. It's not that there's anything wrong with us or that even our original intention, but things happen, we're reminded of things from the past. And so part of our journey as Muslims is that we have to renew our intention. Every day when you wake up, why am I here? What am I doing? And it's the same with forgiveness as well. I really like the whole idea of journaling that you mentioned. Sometimes we're not able to talk to the person directly. Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't. And something that I do in my practice when people are really struggling with, you know, carrying things that they're just not able to talk with the other person, whether it's because they're deceased or there's a power difference, or they just can't do it. I tell them, you know, write a letter to that person and you don't have to send it. But as you mentioned earlier, the process of dumping everything in your heart will make space for new and better things. It's a very cathartic experience. It's something I've done personally myself, but it's a really nice exercise. And especially if you write a not so nice letter, something that you're still working on, do not send it, don't send it, but just use it as a tool. And then towards the end, when you're working towards forgiveness, you can rip up the letter, but it's just the
idea of getting all that stuff in your heart. Sometimes when we do in our mind, it's different than when you write it or say it out loud. So that helps facilitate that forgiveness process. To Zach Loheran, that's a beautiful way of really being able to release, especially when you're not able to. Really appreciate that Zach Loheran. So, absolutely. I think that's so powerful how Sister Nedwa mentioned that not to feel guilty, that it is a process. And thank you for reminding us that's why it's such a big reward. It's not easy. And making du'a about it too. Allah help me forgive this person. You know, have mercy on me, have mercy on them. Help me forgive, make it easy. That's the best support that we can get when we feel stuck. Absolutely. And I think placing Allah first in this equation really does help because when you think about, and I'm sure some of our listeners have experienced some grave oppression or some grave abuse. And the idea is not necessarily that we have to reconnect, be best friends, right? And put ourselves in harm's way. But how do we release ourselves from this prison of grudge and sadness, depression that can emanate from it? And I'm not talking about, I'm not saying that necessarily all depression or all mental health situations all arise from this, but I'm saying this can lead, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, Sister Nedwa. Something like this, if you let it fester and you just keep reminding yourself of something like this, can't it definitely lead us down that path? Yeah, no, the research supports that when we hold grudges, when we carry on with resentment, it is associated with more anxiety, with more depression, with life unsatisfaction. Even from like a secular perspective, I was shocked to hear this. They were saying that when you
hold on to resentment, one danger of it can be that it becomes a part of your personality. Like you were saying that it creates that filter so that when this person wrongs you, you start to maybe withhold, or maybe you start to become suspicious of other people, or maybe you start to withdraw. And so when it becomes part of your personality, I mean, this is from non-spiritual research. They're telling you this is a danger because it can affect your whole being. It's almost like you're being victimized twice. The first time the person wronged you, and then you continuing to hold on to it. It's like you're continuing to have that victimization and it prolongs the healing process. Tzatzakalot kheiran. That's so powerful. You just mentioned too many reasons why we really need to take this matter seriously. And just as you mentioned how holding on to a grudge can really lead us down a certain path of it becoming part of identity, making us literally sick physically and mentally, the opposite is just as true. Just as we can become more suspicious of people that have nothing to do with this wrong. When we start filtering, the same thing when we start to have chosonothon of people, we start to give people the benefit of the doubt, people that have not wronged us. That is going to emanate and bring more good. Good will bring more good. Bad will bring about more bad. And I'm just saying that as a general concept. The bad feelings that we harbor, we're going to see more of that bad. We're going to feel bad. And the same is true that the more we focus, okay, this person wronged me. This really hurt me. I acknowledge it. I journal it. I ask Allah for help. But now I'm not going to hurt other people because of that. I'm not going to hurt myself continuously because of that. I'm going to move on. I'm going to have chosonothon of other people, which meaning, you know, having a good view of them. I'm going to remember that first and foremost, Allah Subhana wa ta'ala is the carrier of ultimate justice.
He is the one. So it's not like, you know, I'm oppressed. I've been really, you know, a great grave injustice has been done against me. And I have no recourse because maybe in this life you don't. Maybe that person is now gone. Maybe there's no legal recourse. It's more of a moral, you know, harm that's been done to you. And there's nothing you can do about it. Right? That's the harsh reality. But the beautiful aspect to this is that the ultimate justice is with Allah Subhana wa ta'ala. And this is what makes the believer really be able to carry on in life. And yes, we may have to renew our intentions. We may struggle, but this is what keeps us going is that that ultimate justice is not necessarily going to be served in this life. So may Allah Subhana wa ta'ala remind us of that. InshaAllah. So you know, what are some other practical steps? Like I said, some of these grudges can be a little bit lighter in nature, still heavy, and some can be really severe due to the severity of what has been done. How can we actually go about the process of even looking at that person who has wronged us as a human being? What can we do? And I wanted to, you know, share some of my thoughts and of course ask Sister Nedra for some of her thoughts as well. You know, when you are able to empathize with the person, what is it that has made this person this way? You know, what harms have they suffered? What has happened in their life that has made them wrong me in this way, that has made them, you know, be an abuser or made them, you know, take from me or do something that was really to harm me or my family? What has happened in their life to shape them in this way? SubhanAllah, you know, when we look at people, when we look at people in our lives, there's always a story behind it. You know, when you look at some of the best films, you know, even the enemy, subhanAllah, the best filmmakers make you intrigued about the enemy. Why? Because they give their backstory.
It allows you to look at what shaped this individual. SubhanAllah, can we do the same thing with people who have harmed us in our life? And I'm not saying that in a light way at all. I'm just comparing it to film and how you can really empathize, how the audience can empathize with a bad guy, quote unquote bad guy, or the villain in the movie due to us understanding their backstory. Can we understand the backstory of people who have harmed us in our life? You know, can we, can we look at them as human beings and ask Allah SubhanAllah to forgive them and to guide them? You know, again, we may think that we're giving something of ourselves. No, we are giving something to ourselves when we are able to look at our person, at the person who has harmed us as a human being, ask Allah SubhanAllah to guide them, ask Allah SubhanAllah to forgive them. It is really making our journey that much easier. Can you think of any other ways, Sister Najwa, that kind of allows the person who's been harmed to move on from this person? Similar to what you were saying, which is kind of like restructuring the way you're looking at things is that, you know, assume that even in people's darkest moments, they're trying the best that they can, right? That it doesn't excuse their behavior. It doesn't make it okay, but perhaps going due to whatever's going on in their life or whatever had happened to them, kind of similar to the villains that you were talking about, perhaps that's the best that they can do at that time. So the person who maybe didn't, you know, dismiss you or wasn't that nice to you or overlooked you, you know, making excuses, going back to making 70 excuses to your mother. You don't always know what's going on with that person. And so when you start to look at the humanity of the person, their backstory, and assuming,
you know, people really struggle, but we don't know the intensity or what they're going through, that also helps because certainly we have also been there, right? When we didn't act in the best way. So extending that grace can help us be more compassionate. That's beautiful. And I really love how you shared exactly about making excuses, because imagine that you have a grudge against somebody who didn't even mean anything by it. You know, they may not have seen you because they were having such a bad day. They didn't say, because they're so absorbed in what they were going, they didn't even mean to dismiss you, or they didn't mean to give you a dirty look because they were thinking about something or something, you know, really tragic had just happened or what have you. So can you imagine if some of these grudges we have, you know, could possibly be a misunderstanding? I've learned, one time, I will tell you, I was standing outside of a store and a man was walking in and I don't remember what he was upset about. I can't remember if he tripped over something or whatever. And he said something not so nice. The woman that was coming the other direction thought he was saying it to her. Poor lady, I feel so bad for her. And I see I'm in the car. So I mean, I'm witnessing the whole thing. I hope that she did not walk away thinking, what did I do? What did I do to deserve this? This person is not so nice. The world is not a nice place. I you know, I my heart goes out to her. But yeah, I mean, I've literally seen it with my own eyes, where sometimes we might misinterpret things or take things personally that were not meant to be. And we carry around these grudges or these really hard feelings where SubhanAllah, it was over nothing. SubhanAllah, Jazakumullahu khairan. I appreciate your sharing that, you know, it really brings to light how something seemingly unrelated to another person can be taken as a grudge and really unnecessarily, you know, furthering bad feelings. So at the end of the day, inshallah, you know, we want to be able to give some time for any questions inshallah. Is that
forgiving others and releasing the grudges that you have in your heart is a benefit to you in the eyes of Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala and for yourself in this life as well. It's going to make you be able to see things more positively because you're not consumed by this injustice, by this grudge, by this hatred, by this enmity that's in your heart. You are, you know, you're able to focus on other good things. You're able to spend more time doing positive things, like being grateful for the good things that you have, being grateful for the good people in your life that bring you joy, that are kind to you. You're no longer tied to this painful past by constantly, you know, feeding your heart. Sometimes it is unintentional, it comes, the memories will come and they'll kind of tug at your heart and you'll get mad all over again. And maybe you'll think of ways to exact revenge and maybe it's withholding, maybe it's cutting off ties, silat al-rahm, you know, such an important concept in Islam. And maybe this grudge will want you to cut the ties of kinship. So you know, we have a lot to gain and nothing to lose, absolutely nothing to lose by releasing the grudges. So I ask that we really take this to heart, literally and figuratively, and release these grudges before we enter Ramadan so that we can truly, truly reap the spiritual and physical and mental benefits of Ramadan, inshallah. So we do have some time for Q&A. We probably won't be able to answer everybody's questions, but feel free to send in a few questions and we'll try to answer them. In the meantime, while they're filtering in, I just have to say I love how you address so many myths about, about, you know, letting go of grudges that, you know, you don't have to go and tell the person like as you were, you know, insinuating like by calling, like you don't have to tell a person. It doesn't mean that you condone what they did. It doesn't mean saying like,
okay, fine. Like you can acknowledge the wrong that was, that was done. And then, like you said, you know, Allah is the most just, you know, sometimes when I talk to, to victims, I think their fear is, well, if I forgive, then the person got away with it. And that's not true. Allah is the most, is the most just. Not, I mean, we have justice in this and we have also justice on the day of judgment where, you know, people will be able to, to, to be able to address the wrongs that were, that were done to them. But even if you choose to forgive, which is the best, it doesn't mean that they get away with it. Oh, we know that even not a mustard seed, you know, goes without being accounted for. Don't ever think that your forgiveness is a weakness and that, that the person will somehow fool Allah or get around it and not be accountable for what they, what they did. Absolutely. MaraKalofiki. Alhamdulillah. So one question, you know, I wanted, I wanted to forgive a negative incident that happened between me and my spouse. They already said, sorry, but sometimes it keeps coming back to me and I feel a buildup of resentment. How can I practically ignore some of these thoughts? MaraKalofiki. I'm really glad you brought up this concept because, you know, this is one example I think we didn't bring up and it's unfortunately, it's unfortunate, but it's also quite natural that sometimes the grudges that we hold are people literally right next to us. It's the people that we're married to, you know, and like I said, of course, blood relations, parents, siblings, and, and, and these are the most hurtful because the reminder is there. And I think, you know, how do we, how do we process this grudge when we both have said, sorry, and, and, and perhaps let's just say that we both felt it was genuine.
I personally, you know, aside from some of the, the nice tips that sister Najwa had already mentioned and how we get to move on is remember who benefits from us, you know, from this wound reopening, who benefits? Shaitan. Shaitan's goal is to split husband and wife. You know, we know this and, and this is the most pleasing to him is to split or to, you know, cause a disagreement and argument between husband and wife. So sometimes, unfortunately, it's again, it's not to say that a wrong thing didn't happen, but why after a resolution has already been achieved, good things are happening and now you've been reminded and now it's like, wait a minute, maybe he wasn't sincere. Maybe she wasn't sincere in their apology. See, this is how they really are. You know, we're both human beings. We both have our weaknesses. We, you know, as, as, as, as individuals in general and in spouses in particular we make mistakes. We're human beings. And if Allah says this, that every, I'm sorry, Prophet Musa had said that every son of Adam is a sinner, but the best of sinners are those that make tawbah. If this is the case in the eyes of Allah, then what about in the eyes of spouses? Do we not have the right to make mistakes and then to ask for forgiveness? So sometimes question yourself and think who is to benefit from me getting upset again and harboring resentment. You know, if, if you've, if you feel like maybe you haven't talked about this enough, maybe you just said, okay, this thing has been talked about, said, sorry, but maybe you never had a chance to, to explain kind of how this has affected you. It might be worthwhile in, in, in being able to work through, but in a very controlled way in the right time, I wouldn't recommend just anybody doing this at will and say, you know, I kind of wanted to share some of these feelings that this incident
brought for me. And I, and I'm really grateful that you have already apologized. I know, but I need to process. And sometimes it does need, it really does need sometimes a therapist to kind of help you process something. Is it bringing something up from your past? Why are you not able to, to, to let go of this incident? So a few things to consider inshallah. And I ask that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, you know, remove these grudges from your heart and make your relationship, make your relationship very special inshallah. Sister Najwa, did you want to add anything to that? No, no, you said pretty much what I was thinking. I heard during this time of year that, you know, the Shaytan likes to, to stir things up, right? It's like the month before Ramadan, what a great way to derail people before they even, you know, start on their journey with Ramadan. So that's exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes we resolve things. And I think you're right in that if there's stuff that wasn't talked about, maybe it was like put away too quickly, it makes sense to bring it out. But if it's a statement that's not, but whether it's talking to someone, I mean, I think it's like there, people want people to panic. But the same person waiting for Sulaiman Jamal, can they stop by anyones available. Right? Yeh. Such a great question. I am thinking about this in terms of, you know, there's in the culture right now, we have language censorship so when we say in this year we want rumination. Rumination is when we think about the same thing over and over to our own detriment. We can't stop thinking about it. And so in those cases, it could be good to talk to a therapist to see if there might be underlying issues. Or you can do certain thought-stopping activities. It's not suppressing because you don't want to ever suppress your feelings, but some people might schedule it. It's called worry time. So I'm going to think about this for like five minutes a day, and then I'm not going to think about it again until tomorrow, same time. The idea with that is if you are sitting there and you're struggling and five minutes turns into one hour, and you're sitting there thinking about the same thing for three hours, I think at that point it would be safe to say, go see a therapist. But if you can't, and you're seeing that this rumination is just
taking over your life, this scheduling or worry time can start to help compartmentalize it. And then over time, you'll notice, you know what? I don't even need this. I've processed it. It's done, and you kind of move on. But yeah, those are some strategies. And you're right. Sometimes it's the people closest to us that we struggle with grudges. I've noticed here in the questions, people were talking about neighbors or friends. What happens when there is some kind of conflict and we forgive, but the other person hasn't forgiven? What do we do in that situation? Great, great, great question. If the case is the fact that we've made our intention and we've forgiven, and we've done our best to try to resolve the situation, then inshallah, I guess we, I believe that inshallah, we will not be of those people that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala will not forgive because we've done our part. And so we, it's, you know, unfortunately, we cannot change the hearts of other people if they choose to still hold a grudge, despite our sincere attempts. We don't have to grovel. We don't have to beg several times, but you know, we try to make amends. We've told the other person, you know, whatever, however you wanted to say that you forgive the other person. And if you wanted to admit your part or what have you, if you've done your part and the other person still chooses not to forgive, then subhanAllah, inshallah, you will not be held accountable for that and not be counted of those who have enmity in their hearts, inshallah. Okay. And someone was asking about boundaries. So is it possible that, you know, we can forgive, but then still have boundaries with people who maybe were afraid they're going to do it again, or it's just too painful to be around them? Yes. You know, I definitely think that when it comes
to especially safety, whether it's emotionally safety, you know, maybe you, sometimes we come to terms with an individual that's still doing the same thing to us. Maybe we're in a toxic relationship, maybe whether it's like, you know, parents and child or husband and wife, whatever the situation may be, or neighbors or siblings or what have you, it's a relationship that the harm is still there. You know, first and foremost, emotional, physical safety and all types of safety is first and foremost. So we don't need to put ourselves in harm's way so that we can be among those that don't hold a grudge. So definitely a healthy boundary setting is of utmost importance. If there's an individual where it's like in the in-betweens, okay, this has happened in the past, it's no longer an issue, but I'm afraid that something else might happen, or it's just too painful. We don't need to cut off. And I want to mention again, if there's family ties, somebody even mentioned if a family member is alcoholic, no, you don't need to cut them off. You don't need to cut off a sinner who's your family member. Okay. Obviously, if there's an unsafe situation, that may be different. How do you navigate and keep yourself safe? That is different, but we don't need to cut ties with anyone because they've wronged us. If you're fearful of, you know, or it's just too painful to interact and they are family member. And I'm saying that because again, we don't want to cut ties and never speak to them ever again. But at the same time, if there's a healthy distance that needs to be maintained, then inshallah, that would be something that would be advisable according to your situation inshallah. Right. And I think as you mentioned, it's certainly you have to be like best friends with the person, but you can be nice. You can be cordial and, but, and create space. And then like with the extreme cases, you know, you can always ask a scholar, you can always ask somebody and tell them, you know, I'm in this really extraordinary situation and, and you can explain your circumstances and they'll be able to tell you because what works for one person or victim might not be the same for,
for somebody else. So utilizing our resources to help. Absolutely. Absolutely. I appreciate that. Well, this was really lovely. I always love spending time with you and seeing you. I hope people benefited inshallah. Any closing remarks? No, I think I definitely enjoy spending time with you as well. And I hope all of the listeners have benefited as I do feel that I have myself. And I just want to close with asking Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala to make it easy for us to remove grudges and enmity and hatred in our hearts and truly allow us to reap the rewards and the benefits and to see the completion of Ramadan inshallah. I mean, thank you so much for your words of wisdom, everything that you as well. Oh, thank you. To our listeners, we have some awesome stuff prepared for Ramadan inshallah, and even leading up to Ramadan. So please stay tuned. We have some great content for you. Thank you again, Sister Lubna. It was a pleasure seeing you and good night or depending on where you are. We'll see you soon inshallah. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
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