Deeds to Habit
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Free Yourself from External Validation
Humans have an innate need for validation, but when does it become an issue? Sarah Sultan outlines the ways validation can get in the way of our spirituality and some practical steps we can implement to reduce the need for it.
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. This is Sara Sultan here with Yaqeen Institute to bring you the deed of the day. So as we're talking about this, what I want you to remember and to think about is a time when you were much younger and you brought something to show to somebody that you cared about, probably a parent. It could have been a drawing, it could have been something that you built, whatever it is. And remembering the way that they responded to you in that moment. Did you get that encouragement, that support, that praise that you were looking for? And how did that make you feel? That elation, that joy, that pride that comes with getting that sense of acceptance from somebody that you really look up to? Or did you get a response that was really negative? Or just kind of dismissive? And the feeling that is evoked when you remember that, and that feeling of sadness and hurt, and disappointment, and self-doubt that might come from that. So what that's called is validation, right? External validation. Meaning validation or sense of acceptance that you get from the outside. And that's a really normal human need. It is normal for us as human beings to want that. Which is why I brought up the example of your childhood and striving for that as a child. Because that's a very normal experience. So when does it then become more of an issue, which is what I want to talk about today. It becomes an issue when this need for external validation becomes something that takes over our lives. It becomes something that we need constantly. It causes us to lose our sense of identity. It prevents us from being able to confront people who have wronged us.
From being able to disagree with people who might have a different perspective. When you find yourself changing your thoughts and beliefs because of what someone either approves of or disapproves of. Or when you notice that you're starting to ascribe your self-worth to the approval of others. That's all when it starts to become very unhealthy. So the deed that I want us to focus in on today that we can in Shalma start to implement on a daily basis is how to reduce our need for external validation. And to realize that this goal in implementing this deed, this can be very, very impactful in our relationship with Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala. It can be impactful in a lot of different ways, mentally, psychologically, emotionally and in relationships with others. But particularly in our relationship with Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala. Why is this such an important component spiritually? The reason for that is when we rely deeply on external validation, wanting the approval of other people, we tend to put Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala second. He's no longer at the top of our priority list if we are prioritizing the approval of other people. When we base our self-worth and our choices on the standard that we imagine is pleasing to people, then we put Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala and his standards unintentionally, we put them second. And we are unintentionally telling ourselves that what people think about us is more important than what Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala thinks about us. In Surah Al-Furqan, Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala asks, have you seen the one who takes as his God his own desire? Your own desire to be liked and approved of by people, which is a natural human need. But do we start to take that too far where we are replacing the standard of Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala with the standards of people?
So how do we now take steps necessary to implement reducing this need for external validation? The first step in this three-step process is to build a sense of awareness. You can't fix a problem unless you know it's there. So you build a sense of awareness by starting to be a little bit more cognizant and conscious of the fact that you might be striving for the approval of particular people in your life. You might be holding yourself back from certain things because you're worried about how people might perceive them. So starting to become aware of that is number one. The second step is that the goal of trying to please others, trying to get the approval of other people, is an impossible goal. And the reason why this is impossible is because people's hearts are constantly changing. Even the Prophet ﷺ himself used to constantly make du'a for Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala to make his heart firm on the deen because he knew that hearts are changing all the time. So when we realize that people's opinions are constantly changing, then we also realize that relying on a constantly changing standard makes the goal and reaching that goal impossible. If you had a compass, and it sometimes pointed north, but it sometimes pointed south, sometimes east-west, you wouldn't use that compass anymore. So why allow the compass that we utilize for our growth and our development and our choices and our judgments and our identity, why allow that compass to be something that's constantly changing? Because that's what the standards of people are. They're always changing. And then the final step, step three, is to ask yourself in different situations as you're trying to make a choice, what would Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala want me to do?
If you find yourself being drawn to another direction, realize that that's normal, but then also realize maybe this is because I'm needing external validation from other people. And then in that moment, make the choice to break the cycle and realize that Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala is the one who will fulfill your needs. That Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala is Ar-Razzaq, He's the one who provides for all of our needs in order to allow us to grow physically, mentally, spiritually, and within our identities. May Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala make it easy. Jazakumullah Khayran.
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