Keys to Prophetic Parenting
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Key #7: Justice | Keys to Prophetic Parenting
Whether done intentionally or not, many parents actually display favoritism between their children. This issue can cause a fracture in the family dynamic. The Prophet taught us the importance of being just with our children. Sh. Ibrahim Hindy explores the negative effects of unfairness between children and teaches us lessons from the prophets on achieving justice in our home.
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam gave us a beautiful description of people who will be honored and raised up in paradise. That even amongst the people of paradise, these people will be honored, recognized and distinguished. He sallallahu alayhi wasallam said, Inna almuqsitina AAinda Allahi AAala manabiri min noor AAan yameen ar-Rahman That those who act justly will be with God on pulpits of light at the right hand of the most compassionate one. Those who act with justice, who treat others fairly, will be raised on pulpits or platforms of light seated next to Ar-Rahman. We all know that justice is a centrally important concept in our religion. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tells us in the Qur'an, Inna Allah ya'murukum bilAAadli walihsaaan That indeed God instructs you with justice and with good conduct. Allah tells our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam to say to us in the Qur'an, Umirtu liAAadila baynakum I've been instructed to be just between you. When Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala speaks about the reason of sending revelation and sending the prophets, He subhanahu wa ta'ala says in the Qur'an, Laqad arsanna rusulana bilbayinati waanzanna ma'umul kitaba walmizan liyaqooman nasu bilqist Indeed, we sent our messengers with clear proofs, and we sent down the scripture and the balance of justice so that they may administer justice between them. Meaning that one of the primary reasons that God sent scripture and sent the prophets and the messengers is so that we can have a concept of justice and we can be able to pursue justice in our societies. And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, I'dino huwa aqrabu littaqwa Be just, indeed, that is closer to righteousness. The concept of being just is incredibly important. We can go on and on about the importance of justice and fairness in our religion.
And there are so many verses in the Qur'an, incidents from the life of our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam, which underscore the importance of justice. But in this particular hadith that we mentioned, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam gave this beautiful description of the people who live their lives with fairness and justice. Innal muqsitina AAindallahi AAala manabiri min noor AAan yameen ar-Rahman Those who act justly will be with God on pulpits of light at the right hand of the most compassionate one. Some of the companions asked the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam, who are al-muqsitina, who are the people of justice, the ones who will be raised and honored in such a beautiful way on these pulpits or platforms of light sitting by the side of their Lord? Who are these people who will be distinguished even amongst the inhabitants of paradise? The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam responded to them and he said, allatheena yaAAdiduna fi hukmihim wa ahlihim wa maa wallaw Those who are just in the rule and in the matters of their family and in all that they undertake. In the rule, meaning if they have power or leadership, were they just with those who they were leading? And then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam says specifically, and in matters of their families, wa ahlihim, were they just with their families? And then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam says in all the other affairs that they do, were they fair in their dealings with other people? But specifically the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam mentioned fairness with our families. Are we fair and are we just when it comes to our families? Are we just and fair when we deal with our children? Unfortunately most parents will deal with their children with a sense of favoritism between their children. One child might get better presence than the other. One child might get more attention, less discipline, more privileges than all the other children. And I know what you're thinking right now. No, no, no, I'm different. I love all of my kids equally. But the truth is that most parents fall into favoritism to one extent or another. In one study at Purdue University of favoritism by mothers, every single mother they approached
the interview said, I don't have a favorite. But as they probed with more questions, most of the mothers in the study, and there was a study of thousands of mothers, ultimately did reveal that they had one favorite child. And even in situations where parents sincerely don't believe that they're favoring one child over another, sometimes the child will still perceive favoritism. And the impact of a child experiencing favoritism, or just perceiving that their parents have unfavored them, is something that is incredibly significant. Children that perceive that they are being treated unfairly are far more likely to abuse drugs, far more likely to abuse alcohol, they're far more likely to suffer from low self-esteem, from depression, from anxiety, and a whole number of other issues. And it's not even good for the child who's being favored. Often, they have to be the one to mediate between their parents and their siblings, which puts them in a very awkward situation. In fact, it's very damaging to the entire family dynamic. Siblings become competitive, they have rivalries, there's growing resentment between everyone in the family, and the relationship between child and parent becomes very strained. This is why it's incredibly important that we establish fairness and justice in the way that we interact and raise our children. In one incident, a man came to the Prophet ﷺ, he said, I have gifted my son a gift, but his mother insists that you bear witness over this. He wanted to give a gift to his son, but his wife didn't agree with him giving this gift, and she insisted that if he was going to do so, to at least make the Prophet ﷺ the witness over this transaction. So the Prophet, reading the situation, he asked him, do you have children besides this one? He said, yes. He asked him, did you give all of them a gift similar to this gift? The man said, no. So the Prophet ﷺ said to him, فَلَا تُشَاهِدْنِي إِذَاً فَإِنِّي لَا أَشْهَدُ عَلَى جَوْرٍ He said, do not make me a witness, for indeed I am not a witness over injustice. And then the Prophet ﷺ said,
اتقوا الله وَاعْدِلُوا بَيْنَكُمْ Fear Allah and be fair between your children. In another narration, the Prophet ﷺ said to him, أَلَيْسَ يَسُرُّكْ أَن يَكُونُوا فِي الْبِرِّ سَوَاءٍ Wouldn't it please you that all of your children would honor you equally? Meaning, do you want only this one child whom you are gifting to be the one who honors you and the rest of them don't? Or would you rather that all of your children were equal in their respect, in their piety, in their honoring of you? The man said, of course I want that. So the Prophet ﷺ said, then don't do this. Don't gift one child over the other. And from this narration we can understand that one of the reasons that caused children to lose sight of being pious to their parents, of honoring and respecting them, is the experience of injustice, the experience of unfairness at the hands of their parents. And because of this, the Prophet ﷺ strove to emphasize that parents need to be fair with their children in every situation. A man was once sitting with the Prophet ﷺ and his son came to him. So he kissed his son and sat his son on his thigh. Then his daughter came and the man sat the daughter to his side. When the Prophet ﷺ saw this, the man kissed the son and sat him on his lap, but did not kiss the daughter. And though his arm is around his daughter, he didn't sit her on his lap or on his thigh as well. The Prophet ﷺ sees this and he says, ala sawaita baynahuma. Why aren't you being fair with them? Meaning you must be fair with your children. You kissed one child, kiss the other one as well. You sat one child on your thigh, you should also seat the other one on your thigh as well. That's how specific our Prophet ﷺ was in ensuring that parents understood the need and being just between their children. And it's not just an expensive gift, but even the attention we give our children, the affection that we show them, we need to be fair in dealing with our children. And the story of Prophet Yusuf ﷺ and his brothers, the motivation behind his brothers plotting to kill him or to banish him came from their jealousy
over their father's love. Imam Al-Sa'adi says in his tafsir that this was clearly their motivation over what they perceived to be Prophet Ya'qub's intense love for Yusuf. They said, أُقْتُلُوا يُوسُفَ أَوْ اطْرَحُوهُ أَرْضًا يَخْلُوا لَكُمْ وَجْهُ أَبِيكُمْ وَتَكُونُوا مِن بَعْدِهِ قَوْمًا صَالِحِينَ They said, kill Yusuf or cast him out to some distant land so that your father's attention would only be ours. And then after we can repent and become righteous people. So the attention of their father was their greatest motivation. But realize Prophet Ya'qub ﷺ is a prophet. It's unbefitting for us to believe that he was unjust between his children, that he would have gifted one child and not another, or given far more time and affection to one over another. He would not have been unjust between his children. Now it is possible that Prophet Ya'qub did spend more time with Yusuf because he was younger, whereas his brothers were older. That does not mean injustice. You will spend more time with a baby than you will with a 10 year old because the baby requires it. Or if you have a child with special needs, you might spend more money on them for things that they need than your other children. And the scholars of fiqh have spoken about these types of exceptions where because of need, you might give more to one child over another and it would not be considered injustice. But what's also interesting is that some studies show that even when parents are not exhibiting favoritism, they're not treating their kids unfairly. They are being sincere in treating their kids fairly as possible. Sometimes the child will still perceive unfairness even when it's not there. And the perception alone might cause very negative impacts. So there may have been no real injustice that the brothers of Yusuf experienced, yet because they perceived it, it caused a negative impact. So not only do we have to guard against being unfair to our children, we have to also avoid the perception that we are treating them unfairly. So what can we do to help ensure that we avoid injustice in our families? What are the keys to being just with our families? Number one, be fair in terms of what we give. Not just money and gifts, that too,
but also attention, energy, excitement. When we give one child, we have to strive to equally give the rest. We need to also be fair with our discipline. How and when we discipline our kids should be consistent and not subject to whatever mood we happen to be in, which can be seen by our other children as being unjust. Number two, don't compare your children to each other. Why can't you be like your brother? Your sister always does her chores, why can't you? This can be easily interpreted by the child that you love the child you hold up as an example more than them. Number three, spend time alone with each of your children individually. When you have a lot of siblings, it's kind of easy to get lost in the crowd, especially if a child is naturally shy. They might not know how to get your attention, they might lose out often. So be proactive, decide to spend time alone with each child separately. Maybe once a week, each child gets a turn to do an activity alone with you, going on a hike, playing catch, that can actually have a huge impact on your children, with them not having to compete for your attention and being able to deal with you alone. May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala strengthen and allow us to raise our kids as good people, strong believers in a just and fair home. Ameen.
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