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Divorce: Problem or Solution? | Part 1 - Before Marriage | Iman Cave
Is marriage right for me? What if it ends in divorce? What do I look for in a wife? In the first part of a 3-part series on divorce, Sh. Abdullah Oduro unpacks a particular Hadith about the four things a woman is married for with cohost Ust. Morad Awad and licensed marriage and family therapist Usman Mughni to uncover why people divorce, red flags to look out for, and some considerations before marriage.
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. In general, we don't advise like marrying for potential. If you want somebody who's muhajjaba, right, and she's working towards it, you have to be fine with the fact that she may never wear hijab. Years of maybe like fighting, arguing, misunderstanding, sometimes infidelity, sometimes physical abuse. And by the way, there are a decent amount nowadays of cases of men being physically abused. Men being physically abused? Absolutely. Unfortunately, guys will have this entitlement that like, okay, I'm a doctor, I'm a surgeon, I'm this, and I just want that, you know, excuse my bluntness, but I want that hot wife. And they overlook everything else. Compatibility, temperament, all of that. A sister who looks very attractive, but has horrible character becomes ugly very quickly. There you go. Especially the brothers, right? And they're like, oh, you know, I want to rescue this girl. She's coming from like this family. And I'm like, they have a dysfunctional family. They're bringing that in to the marriage, whether they like it or not. Whether they like it or not. Yeah. As-salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu. How's everyone doing? I'm Abdullah Oduro, and welcome to the Eman Cave, where we discuss issues of male excellence while being grounded in faith. I got a divorce. Many of us don't want to hear that. Some of us have even said it. But in reality, it's a reality that we all have to embrace. Some of you are listening right now, watching right now, and your parents are currently divorced. Some of you are listening right now, watching right now, and your parents are currently divorced. Some of you right now are currently going through a divorce. It may be ugly and it may be a blessing. Divorce, problem or solution? We're going to cover that today because it's very important in the life of a man that if he is someone that leads a family or someone that tried to be a very important component within the family structure, he has to know what this means. Many men right now that are looking at marriage are thinking, man, if I get married, it's going to be detrimental to my manhood.
It's going to be detrimental to my success. It's going to be detrimental to my future. Many men out there don't even want to get married because what's in it for me? If I get a divorce, it's not going to be to my favor. What's going on in society now can be detrimental to me as a man and my success. That's what we want to talk about today, particularly in this series that we're going to cover of marriage or divorce. Is it a problem or a solution before marriage, during marriage, and after marriage? But today we're going to talk about before marriage. What is important for the young Muslim man to know in regards to divorce, in regards to that which can separate Almarq Manzoji, an individual from his partner. And we're going to talk about that today, Fi Khilal Al-Hadith, in particularly, in covering the particular hadith of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, that's on the authority of Abu Huraira Radhiallahu Anhu, may Allah be pleased with him, that's narrated by Bukhari and Muslim, where the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam says, Tunkahul Mar'atu Li Arba'a, Li Maaliha, Wa Li Hasibiha, Wa Jamaliha, Wa Deeniha, Fadfal Lillat Al-Deen, Taribat Yadaq. The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, he said, that a woman is married for four things, for her money, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. And you'll be successful with choosing the religion. Here, he is giving a reason, or he is saying what men typically, usually marry for. And we're going to cover each portion of those with our beautiful guest today. Firstly, starting with my man, Murad Awad, Alhamdulillah, youth enthusiast and entrepreneur. Do you have your Burgatis website up yet, man? Oh yeah, yeah, hamburgatis.com. Hamburgatis.com. Get your man a masjid near you in a parking lot. He has a food truck. He's going to take the world tour. Inshallah, soon, very soon. Very soon, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. And our last guest, mashallah,
Usman Murni, licensed marriage and family therapist. Mashallah, he's been around this community for a while. He's a mentor of mine, mashallah, in regards to this, in this chapter of life, which I feel is very, very important. He's been involved in the Dallas community for a long time. You look at many videos, I have interviews with him in my masjid, and Sheikh Yasser Barjas, mashallah, he's been a very, very important component in this community in regards to marriage, and as we will talk about, divorce. But just giving a brief background of yourself, Usman, Dr. Usman, where did you start out from? Where were you born and raised? So I was actually born in Pakistan, but I came here in 87, so when I was very young. I was three years old at the time. And I spent most of my life in Chicago, studied, I was similar to you, switched fields, right? So I was radiology tech for about a decade. Oh really? We should talk about this, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. They operate the C-arm, that giant thing. Yeah, C-arm, wow, memories. Yeah, that was actually one of the reasons, some of my experiences there at the hospital that led me to become a therapist, some of the patients that I worked with. And then I was a school teacher, so I went overseas, studied in Egypt for a little bit, came back, taught Quran in Maryland, at Al-Hudah School. Al-Hudah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's where, mashallah, even Muhammad Rashidi, for Allah, that's where he started. So my family is very- Shoutout to Safi Khan, mashallah. Very entrenched in that community, alhamdulillah. So we've been going there since, like Sheikh Jafar Idrees and all of them were there, so a long time ago, alhamdulillah. I'm gonna ask for that OG right there. Alhamdulillah, yes, yes, yeah. And then you moved to Chicago. Yeah, so I moved from Chicago to Maryland and back to Chicago. And then, subhanAllah, it was Al-Maghrib class that Sheikh Yasser was teaching. I came to visit him, he knew what field I was in, and then he spoke about the Dallas community. This is 2013. And then he was just like really selling the community and saying, like, look, you know, come here. It's like, you know, we need somebody with that skillset. So I just, alhamdulillah, I said, bismillah, I made the move. It was a scary move, subhanAllah.
I had like $400 in my bank account. I had a relatively cushy, comfortable hospital job and just said, bismillah, and just drove here. Wow, alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah, yeah, and the rest is history, yeah. Mashallah, mashallah. You mentioned that the medical field, there was some experiences that made you wanna transition. Do you mind unpacking that a little bit? Sure, right, right. So as a radiologist tech, some of the procedures that we would have to do were like very lengthy, like lower GI studies, upper GI studies, that would take several hours, right? And I would find myself just sitting there and chatting up and talking with the patients, right? Just getting to know their life and so on. I was like, oh, I really like this, you know? Seeing their traumas and just making them more comfortable. There was one lady in particular, subhanAllah, she was a rape victim. She was a victim of sexual assault. And she had to go through a very invasive procedure called a lower GI. GI is gastrointestinal. Lower GI study, right, where they basically take an enema and it's because they were trying to rule out cancer. And she was just, you could see the trauma, not only on her face, but her entire body. She was shivering. She's like, and we had to get through it. So I just- SubhanAllah. And I spoke her through it and kind of walked her through it and everything. And I was like, subhanAllah, that was a crime which was not her fault, but yet she has to carry that trauma- SubhanAllah. The rest of her life. Wow. And then when I was at Al-Huda, there was a fifth grader who lost his father. Because it was Islamic school, it was attached to the masjid. Anytime there was a janazah, he would just have a complete panic attack, right? And this kid who was a relatively good student, had friends, all of a sudden, his grades dropped, socialization, all of that. And so I spoke to one of my mentors, Imam Safi Khan, this is in 2008, right? So, ameen, ameen. And I told him, like, is there anything we can do for him? And at that time, sources were really limited. The whole mental health field, Muslims going into the mental health field was very limited at that time. You had like Sheikh Yasser Wazara and maybe like a handful of other people, and that's it.
I mean, I mean. So he encouraged me to go into this field. So those two things kind of stuck with me. And then- Wow, wow. And didn't turn back, huh? Alhamdulillah. Yeah, it's beautiful. I mean, that's, you know, within the chapter, when studying in the books of fiqh, when you go to what they call ahwal al-shahsiyah, you know, basically you say personal relations, you know, that was the chapter, of the chapters that really impacted me was Kitab al-Nikah and really Kitab al-Talaq, you know, the Book of Marriage and the Book of Divorce. Because you realize the beauty of the maqasid, the shariah, the Islamic objectives behind wanting to maintain families. And make no mistake, viewers and listeners, that when we talk about masculinity, it is not to talk or bash feminine, you know, women or their feminine nature. It is rather to enhance it. Because our ultimate goal is to bring, to establish and maintain families. And anything that we can do to where the young men understand the importance of marriage and the importance of this universal way of coming to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, this is our ultimate goal. So, you know, when looking at this chapter of nikah and marriage and of talaq, you realize how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, He's the All-Knowing, the All-Wise, and He created us for a potential purpose. And how this marriage is a way of maintaining that purpose. And in some cases, divorce may be something that maintains that purpose to where it can be a good thing, in essence, you know. And that's what we're going to cover, inshallah ta'ala. So, when looking at this particular hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, what we're going to do is we're going to cover each one that he talked about, those four items, and within each item, we're going to mention the pitfalls of having that mentality, or of that approach, and some preventative measures that we can all take as young men that look to get married, or fathers that want to speak to our young men, or mothers that want to speak to our young men, sons, nephews, students, in regards to this chapter of life.
So, firstly, the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, he said, tumkahul mar'atu li'arbaam. A woman is married for four things. Many of the scholars mention that this is the predominant reasons in which a man would marry a woman. So, the first thing he said was her money. Now, it's kind of interesting that a man would marry a woman for her money, but it's an important characteristic or angle to look at because it really, as all four of these, are touching on the issue of compatibility. When you look at her economic status, which can carry over to the next one being her family, one man may marry a woman, let's say, particularly if she has a career already and he's in pursuit of his career. Should he continue on with that? Or it may be an education. You find that many men may be intimidated. She's a PhD and I'm not. What have you seen within your therapeutic practice in regards to when a couple comes in and they may be getting a divorce? Have you seen anything in this chapter, in this portion, in this regard? I'm sure you guys have heard the statistic of finances being the biggest factor of divorce. Yes. That's true, but you have to read between the lines. It's about how money is viewed, right? So, if either partner uses, excuse me, actually, one of my colleagues reminded me not to use the word partner nowadays. So, if either spouse, right? Yeah, there's a reason for that, because that's been used to break the traditional idea of family, but anyway, that's Dr. Fahad Ghansal from Yaqeen, or from Khalil Thabarak Lafiq. Reading between the lines means like, how is money used? Is it weaponized? Is it used to insult somebody else, to put somebody else down, right? So, I've seen successful marriages where one person doesn't have a bachelor's degree and the other person has a PhD, but the man has a drive and a hustle and understands truly the meaning of qawamah and the wife respects that.
Like, in fact, I know two couples personally where the wife is, masha'Allah, about a seven-figure salary. And the guy's doing okay, right? But nowhere near what the wife is doing. However, he takes charge of everything. Masha'Allah, masha'Allah. It's more of, what is your emotional relationship with money? Do you have an ego? Do you have insecurities? Because that's all going to come out, whether you make 40K or you make 40 million. You know what I'm saying? That's very interesting, man. You know, you mentioned the emotional connection with money. You know, and I always say this on my fundraisers at the masjid. I always say it with my sheikhs when we're learning Arabic. He said the word mal, li'an al-qalbi yameenu ilayhi, because the heart leans towards it. That's why you got it too. They put the pocket right here, right next to the heart, because we put our money right there. SubhanAllah. The pocket right next to the heart. But subhanAllah, that's very, very important because especially with what's going on now, and I'm not the kind of bash the younger generations, but the challenge may not be as hard as it was in the past, may not be, okay? When it comes to earning money with the online automation, money may not be something that is valued in regards to earning it. It may be something that is, you know, in Islam, we don't hold money in high regards for the sake of money. It should be used as fuel to do that, which is good. Right. But I love how you mentioned the emotional connection because the example you gave is profound. I mean, a woman that earns more than her husband, but he understands the meaning of qawamah, the meaning of protection and provision, and he embodies that. Right. So would you say that- That's interesting. Yeah, would you say that a preventative measure is what exactly? Is understanding the qawamah or understanding the functionality of money? Understanding your relationship with it, right? Like, so if you have certain traumas around it, if you are somebody who like was raised to be miserly,
like, and now you know some, you know, you marry into a family where the woman was really free of, you know, like asking, and like, she just got everything that she wanted from her family because mashallah, that's what they were blessed with. Like, you have to check yourself. Is this compatibility? Is there something that like I need to check about? Like, maybe I have a certain unnecessary level of fear about spending on my family, you know? So a lot of introspection, you know, just in general, I would say this, that the whole premarital process, what you look for, how you look for it is one of the biggest preventers of divorce, that process. You know, I mean, I hope I'm not getting too ahead of myself, right? But I was just talking about this with my wife, actually. Like, when I work with divorced couples, excuse me, divorced individuals, right? It's rare that I see the person really regretting their decision. It's very rare. Usually they're sure about why they divorced because it was a longstanding history. It wasn't just like overnight, you know? Years of maybe like fighting, arguing, misunderstanding, sometimes infidelity, sometimes physical abuse. And by the way, there are a decent amount nowadays of cases of men being physically abused. Men being physically abused? Absolutely. Is there a financial connection with that as well? Is there a financial connection? No, it's more about temperament. More about temperament, okay. Yeah, more about temperament, yeah. The point is that like, sorry, I lost my train of thought. No, the premarital advice. Yeah, yeah, right. So when I speak to people who are divorced, the thing that they regret the most is why didn't I look for red flags? Like, why did I just listen to my parents and marry this girl because they approved of her? Why didn't I fix this about myself before jumping into it, right? So it's those things. It's not about, you know, can we fix the marriage? Sometimes you shouldn't fix the marriage. It's about why did y'all get married in the first place? Why did y'all get married in the first place? Interesting. I had something to say about the wealth
because I understand there's an emotional attachment. Everybody grows up, depending on their understanding of wealth and their competence in dealing with it and whatnot, right? But what we're kind of hinting towards or leaning towards is like, okay, is it always necessarily a negative thing when a man seeks to get married for money, right? He's like, okay, because I feel like, oh, I need her to have more money. I need her to have more education in order for me to pursue this marriage because he has a particular insecurity and he wants to fulfill it through this marriage, right? But what if it's a positive one? You know, because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam tumkah al mar'ah li arba'ah, right? So he said, a woman is sought to get married for four. So there might be, there's positives in that, right? And each one of them has a positive and a negative side, except for the deen, except for the religion one. So what if a person wants to marry a woman that knows the value of money, knows how it is to work hard for it, knows how to manage it, and doesn't want to marry someone who does not know what it's like to have money, right? So is that something that we can look into as well? That's interesting. Yeah, that's more of a compatibility, like both have financial literacy. Financial literacy, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of what you mentioned with the earlier example you mentioned, right? Kind of, sort of, because she was maybe an entrepreneur and understands that and she loves that. And let's be honest, there may be a sister that may be divorced and she's someone that is financially literate. Maybe an accountant, has an accounting firm and went through divorce and the brother marries her and understands that, she understands that, I'm not that good with money, although I make it. So that may be something that is high on his list when choosing a spouse. And that brings malleability to this portion. Right, right.
I'm curious, by the way, how do you reconcile that with marry for money, with her wealth is hers? You know what I'm saying? It's not yours, it's hers to spend on herself and choose to do it. So how do you? Right, so I mean, that goes back to even her lifestyle. So say her lifestyle is a certain way, like the particular example, the money she makes is hers, but I still have to spend on her in this way. Now, does she understand, does she know that I solely will not be able to provide in the lifestyle that she used to have? Like she has the black card and she's used to having that black card and just, but she's willing to make that money to spend it. But she knows if she loses that, then we're gonna go to a visa. Right, right, right. And she's okay with that mentally, because like you said, she doesn't have that emotional connection, that unhealthy emotional connection to money. Yeah, she recognizes that her husband is providing. Right, maybe her husband was like her father. Yeah. And she was the one that broke the chain and made it big, quote unquote, right? So that's what we consider she could be really in regards to that. So I'd say, I think ultimately, when looking at the emotional connection with money, it's very important for young men to examine. And I think it's important to look at what we consume, because when you're talking about, you see these videos, get rich with four steps, make money. And then some, you know, let's be honest, some guys are listening to music, and then money is like, that is the ultimate goal. And it takes you away from your ultimate purpose. And then sometimes you find on the female side, the women say, if he doesn't have money, there's six figures, there's no chance. So then men will feel inadequate. Right, right. And they close the door for marriage. Right. Right, so I think it's understanding money, as you mentioned, and examining their connection with money, what it is and its functionality. Shaykh, like when we say the word qawamah, isn't it primarily referring to the financial obligation of the man? It can be, because I mean, you know, Allah SWT says, wa bima anfaqoo min awwalih. Wa bima anfaqoo min awwalih. Right after, and what they spend from their money, right?
So if, to an extent, if somebody seeks marriage for the finances that she can provide, it ultimately takes away from their qawamah to that extent. That's it, yeah. See, he opened the door, right open the door. So let me ask you this. No, good. Can we say that, because you made a very important haid, or you made a very important caveat, which is very important, and that's what I wanted to mention as far as a preventative measure. Drive, ambition. She may have the PhD, and he's still a sophomore in college. Went to college late, okay? He tried entrepreneurship after he graduated from high school, five years, didn't work out. Decided to go back to college. When he was in college, no matter if she was a senior, she came and, you know, she has more money now. But she knows he has drive, and she married him for that. He sees within her that she respects him for his drive, right? What would the situation be if it carries on, and he eventually loses that drive? Because what I think that you're alluding to is that she may end up resenting him if she sees he's just on the couch and doesn't have any drive to do anything. And that's where that qawamah kind of disappears. Because when Allah says, there's a level of respect involved in that, that the woman always respects the one that, you know, spends on them, protects them, shelters them, defends them against any harm, you know, is always there for them, right? As like the person they could lean on, libas, right? The libas, the garment. When a woman stops seeing that in the man, right? She starts to think to herself, okay, where's the qawamah? You know, like, okay, now why am I gonna respect it? I'm defending myself.
So have you seen resentment grow from the wife for the husband because of the lack of drive to continue on a career that would eventually lead to him financially? 100%, 100%. And it's not just like, you know, somebody who's a sophomore in high school. I've worked with people who have degrees, right? Some of them are like, you know, finished medical school, some of them have MBAs, but they just, you know, they don't have that hustle, right? Like when we talk about drive, right? If somebody has it, I feel like they have it. It's something tangible. You can actually see it. Like, you know, there's evidence of it, right? There's evidence for this person like, you know, okay, my parents didn't have much money, but I worked two jobs to pay through college, right? It's a mindset. I have this mindset that no matter what, I don't care if I have to drive Uber, deliver pizza while going to school at night, somehow, someway, I am going to provide for my family. That mindset is, it usually sticks, right? What I see often is the, well, I'm above this job. I'm above that job. So let me keep applying for a job that matches my MBA or something like that. And that's where the wife will get, understandably so, frustrated. And I've seen this a lot where it's like, dude, just work anywhere, work at Target, do something and build yourself up, right? Very interesting. Yeah, it's about the idea of just not stopping and like having this mentality that I don't have a choice. And getting over being seen, let's be honest, getting over being seen at Target, bro. I mean, like. Yeah, but the ego shit. Yeah. Ego. Like the ego, like his role should take precedence over the ego. Exactly. You know, a hundred percent, a hundred percent. Right? Yeah. That's humility. When I moved to Dallas, my son and ex-wife, we'll get to that, were in Pakistan at the time, waiting for, because I literally had $400 in my pocket, right? While I'm setting up my practice, Hamza from the Mercy of Allah,
like I was during QI, during the Quran intensive, like I was driving their van, driving the students back and forth. I have three degrees. It doesn't matter though. You know, I love my family more. I love my son more, you know, than my ego. You know what I'm saying? And I've seen people do that. And like, this is what I advise, like even young sisters. I'm like, you know, if you see that in a guy, you'll be okay. Yeah. You know? That's beautiful. That's a beautiful, beautiful point. You know, SubhanAllah, my talking about like marriage, what not, my father-in-law, Rahmatullah Ali. Allah Ya Hamd. You know, Khadj Ali. He was a righteous man. You know, he saw that drive in me. That's all he cared about. Like, I didn't really have money like that. You know? That's beautiful, man. But he saw I was a hustler. Yeah. He was like, okay, I was still in college. I didn't graduate yet, but I tried to open, like I had business and whatnot. I used to, I was a car dealer at that time. I'm still, to an extent, a car dealer. I'm always a car dealer. I was like, once a hustler, always a hustler. Like, you just never stop. Yeah. But so like, it depends if I find a good dealer now. Exactly. But at that time, like, wallahi, I went and I was just talking confidently and whatnot. And when I spoke about the maher, it was nerve-wracking. But, you know, and now I made a commitment. I'm like, okay, now I got this commitment. I gotta grind. And subhanAllah, you know how Allah makes it easy. So, you know the hadith, the hadith thalathatun. Hakkara lillahi, oh no. I've memorized that hadith. Yo, that hadith, Sheikh, was in front of my eyes the whole time. I was seeking marriage. Three people that Allah, you have a right on Allah to help. Like, and if you are a single person that's looking to protect yourself from haram, then you have a right on Allah to help and assist you in order to complete marriage and to pay for it.
And wallahi, I found that, Sheikh. Wallahi, wallahi, I had deals within one week. SubhanAllah. That I never, I never had in my life. Like, I would make, like that month I made, I made enough to cover my wedding and extra and everything in between. In a single month. And I'm like, yo, how am I getting these deals? Where is this coming from? And it just came. All I had to do was get up and move. And I asked so many shabab that are seeking marriage. And as long as you have that drive, it's always that. Because Allah knows your capability. You know, you can't just, like that ego has to be, you gotta grind. Which leads to the next part of the hadith. Because all of these are really connected. So the second part of the Prophet, someone said, wa li hasabiha, her family. Marry her, or men marry a woman because of her family. Right? You mentioned your father-in-law, right? You know, subhanAllah. And what he saw, the drive that he saw, that quality that he saw, that you'll get money regardless. That's a, what do you call it? A result of that, a by-product of that drive. What are some pitfalls that we've seen in regards to a man marrying a woman because of her family? Or what I've seen, you know, the belittlement of the family of the man towards the woman. Or the belittlement of the woman's family towards the man. Have you seen that in your practice? It's tough because some of those can be red flags, right? Some of those can be like, oh, you know, should she be punished for the crime of her parents? Right? You know? So it's like, you know, when you're marrying, you're marrying into a family, right? Thank you. And so there are certain things that, you know, in general, we don't advise like marrying for potential. Well, let me explain what that means, right? So if somebody,
if you want somebody who's muhajaba, right? And she's working towards it, you have to be fine with the fact that she may never wear hijab. She might continue to work for it. The exception to that, by the way, is finances. That's where I say it's okay to marry for potential, right? Because, you know. So there's a difference. There's a difference, yeah. Specifically with finances, that's probably the only exception that I would see because like that you could, because it's natural. The natural trajectory is like with life, you get wealthier. But that would mean like, you're not only just evaluating and accepting of like how her family is, but how has that affected her, right? How does it affect her psyche? Is that going to bleed into the marriage? So it's not just about how they treat you. It's about what that's done to her and vice versa, right? So, you know, I've seen this with both with guys and girls, right? If they have a dysfunctional family, they're bringing that in to the marriage, whether they like it or not. Whether they like it or not. Yeah. And so what have you done to break out of that? And unfortunately, I've seen people fall into this where they get very emotionally attached and then, especially the brothers, right? And they're like, oh, you know, I want to rescue this girl. She's coming from like this family. And I'm like, okay, Alhamdulillah, that's great. Have you assessed compatibility at this point? Or are you already infatuated? Because if you're already infatuated, you're going to have your blinders on and you're going to miss so much upon Allah. Can I make a small suggestion? And I want y'all to capitalize on this. And we could just, with Shoshan, this is why we're doing this in parts. I knew it. I knew this cannot be covered in one show. Especially when I talk with this man. You said, what's the word you used? You said you gain feelings. What was the word you used? Infatuation. Infatuation. Yeah. Right? Aishq, emotion, right? There's a little of, SubhanAllah, Ibn Qayyim mentions like eight levels of this emotional connection. And I think Iqathatul Affan is beautiful. I just want to touch on the gender interaction and how touchy that can be
because the emotional vulnerability that can happen if there's no intention for marriage. Yes. Right? I was talking to someone earlier today and it's very important that we understand when the opposite genders interact, the potentiality for vulnerability, it's present. And the man, most of the time, has to take the lead in knowing when to shut that down. Right? Because if she ends up, you work with her 40 hours a week or whatever the case may be, she mentions something personal, that door for emotional vulnerability opens up. And needing to be, the man needs to understand that, okay, if this happens, emotions will come into play. And then when he sees her vulnerability, he may have some shuffle of her, you know. Right. Wow, her father died when she was so and so. Wow, I feel that I can save her. Right. Right? And that's where, is it marrying her for the wrong reasons at this time? Right. What would you say? You haven't actually taken the time to, as objectively as humanly possible, your emotions are always gonna get in the way. We can't 100% be objective throughout this process, but objectively, as humanly possible, like you haven't done your due diligence, right? Because, you know, are you really going to look at compatibility when she's crying about like her father kicking her out of the house? You know? Can you say that again, please? Just say it again. I can look at compatibility when you're, you know, you're thinking about her father kicking her out of the house, right? That's when, and you have full good intention, right? You're like, oh my God, I, you know, you know, you know, miskina, like I want to save her. This is, right? So. Right, right, yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's interesting. Like this, this, this idea of like the gender interactions, you know, a lot of young people feel that it's easier to start off as friends. I would just, let's put aside the halal, haram for a second. It's easier to like, you know, start off as friends and then like, I want to marry my friend, right? Okay. There's no research that shows that that actually leads to a healthier marriage. In fact, it's, it's quite the opposite, which is this is, this is even the most liberal left-leaning professors of sociology and psychology are like baffled by this statistic,
but cohabitating before marriage, it actually is, leads to a higher chance of divorce. Which doesn't make sense, right? How does that make sense? Because you've already lived with the person, you know, like, I don't know if, well, like you've had that passing wind, all of this, like you've experienced all of that, right? So wouldn't it make more sense that you already know all their bad, so you're more informed, you have more data before going in. Why is that, right? Maybe it's the baraka, right? But there's, there's something there that, you know, I haven't seen any research that thoroughly explains why that statistic is there, but it's there. So the notion that, you know, you really have to have this chemistry, right? I hear a lot of young people say this word, right? There has to be chemistry. No, there doesn't. She can come after marriage. She can come after marriage. You know, I think it's all, it all goes down to, or boils down to expectation. You know, when they, when you come into marriage, you have expectation, and there are things that exceed your expectations, and things that don't. But when you go in after a relationship, you know, you're expecting more from this marriage. You're expecting this game to be upped, and again, it's not upped as much as you think that it should be. Maybe, yeah, maybe. Hence, maybe leading to like, yeah, I'll just go back to what it was before. Right, right, right, right. There's a world of difference between boyfriend and girlfriend versus husband and wife, right? Expectation versus husband. So when we're talking about the family, okay, so back to this family mechanism. So one thing that, for an example, you will find a lot with converts, right? Particularly the male convert that wants to marry into the female, born Muslim. She wants to marry, he wants to marry her. And the family's like, no, because he doesn't have a Muslim family, okay? I've seen pitfalls in that regard, but I've also seen that which, you know, pitfalls on both levels. Pitfalls to where the man will automatically assume
that because he's not a particular nationality, that they don't consider him at all. And he's probably very, very religious. Like he's probably amongst the most religious men that she's met and that they've ran into. But because of where he's from, it's totally out. He's totally out. Interesting, interesting. And I'll find the opposite, which has a consideration to where the family, when they meet his non-Muslim family, it kind of coincides with what you said. Like, okay, there's drama with the non-Muslim family. The father may be an alcoholic. The father may not be in his life. He probably doesn't know who his father is. Therefore, those experiences pushed him towards Islam. Right. But do I put my daughter in that particular situation? Right, right. So what's a preventative measure that you would advise in this regard? Like you said, red flags, right? What are some things that a man should look at? So I wouldn't necessarily consider that a red flag. Again, these are circumstances that the person didn't choose, right? And it works, you know, it's case by case, because that person who came from that family could also be so much more appreciative of the girl's family, of the girl, of, you know, the Islam that they bring, right? And then forgive me if I'm like generalizing, but typically with non-Muslim families, right, the mother-in-law is not as invasive, you know? So more hands off, right? If you marry a convert, typically, the mom is not going to be, you know, I'm speaking specifically like South Asian families. If you marry a guy from a South Asian family, right, from Pakistan, the mother-in-law is gonna come with certain expectations, this, that, right? I haven't seen it as much when I work with couples where one is a convert. It's there here and there, but it's more about like, okay, setting boundaries about like Christmas and like parties and this and that. And if the guy has the hikmah to be able to set boundaries while still being respectful to his family, but this is, you know, Shaykh, you know this better than us, right? This is a struggle of converts in general. Like, you know, having that balance of like, you know, silat ur-rahm while keeping their deen and so on. And this is something you could speak to a lot more than.
Yeah, the balance of silat ur-rahm, you know, keeping the family ties. I mean, I literally, that's what I went through, right? My mother lives with me now and what she was gonna, I was gonna ask you, like, when does a man have to stand up? Okay, okay. Right? Christmas, I had to just make things very clear, you know? And one thing, you know, Milad, my mother, I mean, she, I mean, I mean, when I got married, she's like, I'm not, I'm just gonna make this very clear. I'm not getting involved in your marriage. I said, say the shahadah next. That's all you're gonna do. I mean, listen. I mean, listen, son. You know? So among desi moms, that's a minority. It's very rare for a mom to say, I'm not getting involved in your. Okay, talk to them. Okay, okay. First talk to the mothers, please. And then talk to the sons in this situation. The situation to where the mother gets involved with the boy that wants to marry the non-Muslim, the new convert sister. Right, right, right. No, no, absolutely. So first for the moms, right? And I mean, you know, I'm a parent myself. I have two of my own. Yes sir, yes sir. Stop babying your kids, especially your sons. Stop babying them. Let them make their decisions, you know? You're there as a guide, but like you're raising a generation of man-childs. I don't know, like, you know? So that's to the moms, right? To the sons. And this is something I've seen a lot within the Desi community in particular. I believe it's an Arab community. Please correct me if I'm wrong. And that's the idea of not, for men struggling with this idea of bid al-walidayn while balancing my wife's rights. And you know, I love my family, but I also love my wife. And I don't know how to create that balance. So I'll end up hurting one or the other, you know? And it's always a push and pull. Is that a reality that you have to accept the fact that you will hurt one? The reality that you're not always gonna please everybody. There you go. Yeah, yeah. I think that's a safe approach. That is a safe approach, yeah. Right, right. I think that's a part of masculinity. I think it's a rites of passage, you know?
You know, knowing when to choose mom and knowing when to, because there's other fish in the sea, son. Yeah. Right? Like that, yeah. Right? As opposed to, well, this, you know, I'm gonna say this fish, but she's definitely the one that's compatible. And just because she's not, let's just be honest, just because she's not, you know, Pakistani, but she may be Indian or maybe Bengali, or because she's from Nigeria and you're from Ghana, that is almost irrelevant. Exactly, exactly. And can you do that respectfully? Like you can set boundaries, right? Sometimes, like when I talk to young people about the idea of boundaries, they think it means like, you know, being abusive towards their parents and saying, I'm setting this boundary. No, that's not what setting boundaries means. What is it, please? Setting boundaries means like knowing your principles, but being respectful to your parents as you set those principles. Right? The first generation of Islam had their boundaries. I'm not gonna worship an idol. I'm not gonna do this. But they didn't curse their parents out while doing that. Right? So that's our example. And, you know, we're going to differ with our parents. Each generation is different, right? It's fun. I don't know when my daughter is seven months. I don't know, like, you know, by the time she's of marriage age, like what the, you know, what the environment is gonna be, what the climate's gonna look like. My thesis in grad school was actually on mate selection within a Pakistani-American population. It was a cross-generational comparison. So I was looking at what our parents looked at versus what we look at and the difference in methodology. And so this is one of those things, like our parents' criteria is very different from our criteria. Very different. Yeah, right. At least within the Pakistani-American population, right? So they looked more for cultural compatibility where, you know, I'm, you know, first generation, like, you know, I love Pakistan. I love the food, but I identify very much with, you know, American culture as well, right? I can quote Fresh Prince of Bel-Air more than I can, you know, quote Junaid Jamshid or something, right? So I think it's, what we've seen, at least among the religious crowd within that is that they look more for religiosity over culture.
And so that's a shift that's taken place. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. And then the convert falls right into that. Cause I was gonna say, as American, you know, even within Americans, I guess I would say third generation Americans, the cultural compatibility will kick in as well. Yeah, yeah. Right? You'll find the Americans say, man, why are you married a Pakistani girl, man? Well, you trying to be Arab? You trying to be, I've seen and heard that. I think many of the parents, especially the like the immigrant parents. Yes. That came here never thought as far as to when their kids are gonna get married in America. They just thought of coming here, settling in and building a life, making some money. Did they think of who their child is gonna marry and what they're going to be looking for in marriage and whether they're going to be religious or not. Let's say there were no masajid and Islam wasn't as strong or prevalent and there weren't established Muslim organizations and whatnot. And they would have just got watered down and they would have probably ended up marrying someone that's not from the culture at all. Probably not part of the religion either. Yeah. Yeah. But now, alhamdulillah, with Islam being the common ground that's a blessing from Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. I think a lot of parents kind of miss out on. Right, right. On seeing that they just want a little bit more. No, I mean, you can't grab it all. You can't have everything. You moved thousands of miles away. And alhamdulillah, I mean, this is a beautiful thing that's taking place. Right? Someone that said that accepting Islam and coming into the faith. And subhanAllah, my sister-in-law, she married a convert brother. And mashAllah, they're doing well and they have kids. MashAllah. Allah Mubarak. And things move on. And there's a lot more intersectionality there. Is it okay? Is it okay? Because we're our parents and our children are gonna get married soon.
MashAllah. MashAllah. Is it okay for us to say, or that our parents said, Oh, that's what my parents said. Why don't you just marry someone from our own? Yes. Right, right. Yes. They feel like, oh, we lost Murad, you know. We lost him. I mean, I'm married to an Egyptian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, yeah. So, and that's far for a Palestinian, you know. Wallah. Yeah, yeah. Like, although Egyptian, like, I see them as the same as us, you know. Like, I grew up with Egyptian, brothers and sisters. Like, we grew up with the same type of, like, families. But, you know, with a little, like, some cultural differences and whatnot. For my family, like, I think that was far, you know. I was like, wow, you know. You know, the rest of my siblings all married Palestinians, you know. I like the outcasts. Alhamdulillah, I'm happy that I did, because I never saw that. I never had that filter that she had to be Palestinian. Although, and I respect people that do, because maybe there's, they, what they value. Like, I met a brother who was looking for, he's like, look, I love my food. I can't stand somebody cooking anything that doesn't taste like my mom's food. I would just not talk about it. And that's okay. That's fine. That's just the, like, right of passage. Or preservation of language. I've seen that as well. Preservation of language. When we get together, it's more comfortable. It's more, yeah. That's a big thing. I seen somebody, like, a father come to me, because I did some counseling for, like, these younger kids. Like, I gave him advice and whatnot. And when the mom or the dad would come, they're like, hey, I just always imagined the children of my, the spouses of my children to all sit together and understand my language. I don't know how to talk English. That's not my first language. And, you know, I'll just, he just imagines how the gathering would be without someone understanding. I'm like, yeah, but, you know, and then you kind of got to convince him
that, yeah, it's not that much of a dream. Come on. So your family's from Palestine? I'm Palestinian. I'm Palestinian. I'm Barhuthi as well. You know, so the Barhuthi family is a big family in Palestine as well. So when, often when my people from my family get married, they're like, oh, you got to marry Barhuthi. That's it. You go outside of Barhuthi, like, if you marry some other Palestinian, like, oh, it would have been a big deal. Like, oh, why are you going to that village? Oh, man, you know, like. That's a type of background. So I got, I went out, you know. So, so, so my wife and I went to Amra a few years back. My wife is Egyptian-Syrian. Okay. And like, when she would, I speak a little bit of Arab, right? So like when we would be talking to the cab drivers or like, when they would find out I'm from Pakistan, there'd almost be this like, but why, why didn't you marry an Arab? Yeah. I know. Is that a thing? Like, I know, I, you know. Yeah. Is that a thing within Arab culture? Is it like, you know, where it's. Mojude. Okay. Mojude. It'll be like, well, look, I'm going to tell you, it is Mojude. It is Mojude. You are Mojude. I'm not trying to pick on. I'm just curious. I remember the first time I went to Palestine with my wife and my grandma was like, you could have married your cousin. Look how beautiful she is. And I'm like, yo, chill out, grandma. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to, I'm trying to live a happy life. So, so kind of look, you find, you find people like, like, like that that just can't, can't get, get over the culture part of it yet. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. I'm going to therapize you real quick. Why did you, why did you succumb to that pressure? I'm sure you got family pressure of like, you know, marrying within your family or marrying within your specific, what, what prevented you from succumbing to that? I think for me, I was always, I felt like I was independent. I was very
opinionated when I was a kid, I wanted to like, hold my own and, and, and do my own thing. Like from the beginning, if I believed something, I had like a conviction. If it's right, it checks the boxes. Okay. The culture thing never made sense to me. You know, like I appreciated the Palestinian culture. I like the culture. I take pride in the culture as a culture of, of a people like that I'm, I ethnically belong to, but it doesn't go past that. Yeah. Yeah. And it doesn't try to like, it doesn't go to the point where it dictates my own happiness. Like, this is my life. I'm going to live for whatever, 50, 60, 70 years. I'm not going to let this culture that I happen to be born in dictate how I'm going to live this life. You know what I'm saying? You were, you were decisive. You were sure of yourself. I'm looking for this type of wife. And that's what I, that's what I feel I need in my life. I just made that decision. By the way, that mentality is what we need brothers to have. That idea of like, decisiveness, because that also translates over into being able to defend your spouse, being able to again, like have that grind and hustle that all goes together. Okay. So when we look at that, being decisive and choosing a beautiful woman. So men choose women based off of their beauty. Is that wrong or is it right? What I've seen, yeah, I guess we'll start with the pitfalls is that, you know, the men nowadays, they'll, you know, was it swiping right is good. If it's the Muslim apps, right? If you swipe, if she's beautiful, no, I didn't read what she does and what she values, but she's beautiful. Okay. Then we'll take it. Right. I'm not going to read her values and what she, what she, her, even her religiosity. And even what you mentioned about the issue of hijab, if he values
it, but she's beautiful and doesn't have it. Okay. I like what you mentioned, then he should expect that that may never happen. Right. Right. Those pitfalls that I've seen with just looking at beauty, that doesn't transcend over into the character. Sometimes, you know, the beauty is there. It's something that is tangible, but the intangibles of character, there may be some conflict. And I've seen that a number of times. What have you all seen in that regard? Yeah. I've seen both extremes, by the way, I've seen, I've seen the other extreme where like somebody will marry a student of knowledge or somebody will marry just for Dean, but there's no, there's no, there's no physical attraction and then intimacy affected. And I've seen some, I've seen that end horribly, unfortunately, where like, I mean, this gold, the guy, I'm like, dude, like, yeah, say that for the next one. That's the next one. Yeah. But for the other one, there's some for the beauty, for the beauty. And I had mentioned this to you, like we spoke earlier, like, you know, there have been times where, unfortunately guys will have this entitlement that like, okay, I'm a doctor, I'm a surgeon, I'm this, and I just want that, you know, excuse my bluntness, but I want that hot wife. And they overlook everything else, compatibility, temperament, all of that. And then after a while that, that beauty fades, not because like physically, but you know, honestly, a sister who looks very attractive, but has horrible character becomes ugly very quickly. That's important. Yeah. You know, and a lot of guys don't know that. Okay. If she was extremely attractive to you, right, how's that going to make you feel when you're with your wife in front of your friends, in front of your family, when you're out and whatnot, don't you feel a little bit like, like, oh man, you know, I've seen guys like that, you know, oh man, he's looking at my wife the wrong way. Oh, why are you like, you know, and it broke relationships with close friends, with family, it made them not go out as much. It affected, it was crazy. Is that more, is that more the beauty of the girl or the insecurity of the guy? It was the insecurity of the guy. Cause that was the only thing he was looking for. And he
thinks that's the only thing people look at too. I see. I see. Interesting. Okay. You get that? Okay. Okay. He thinks every, like he made this life commitment based on beauty. And in order to console himself, he thinks that like, everyone only cares about this too. You get what I'm saying? So they, like, he's always like this, like overprotective and whatnot. And then he's suffering at home because he overlooked so many other things. Right. At the expense of that. Like, oh, I didn't, I didn't think of this. I didn't think of family. I didn't think of a background or values or like nothing. I overlooked everything just for this one matter. The one that checks all the boxes is the best. It's like hands down. I don't think you have to choose one or the other. It's more like, like, like rating. And there's no objectivity in this for the sister. Like, yes. Sister's got to know. It's not like the prophet said, I'm saying, okay, it's like the men are going shopping and this is how we value. No, no. It's like the prophet said, I'm saying, oh, women look out. This is what men are looking at. Find out what type of man is asking for your hand. And that's, that's really important, man. Because you know, we have to think about a lot of times when, you know, guys are on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, TikTok, whatever else is out there. How are we portraying ourselves? You know, how are we portraying ourselves? Because when we, you know, look at a woman just for her beauty and then we marry her and then we found out that the character's not as it was, sometimes you may just say, yo, but she is beautiful. You know what I'm saying? Then kids come into play. Kids are beautiful, but then you never really liked her. You never really liked her. And like what you said, beauty is something beyond the tangible. And that's why I particularly, you know, I love the whole, when I became a Muslim, the whole concept of hijab was far beyond the veil. It was far beyond the veil for me. It was like, the veil is an entryway, but it was more of her
character, how she carried herself. And you know, it wasn't about her adorning herself to feel valid in front of some guy because when she's not married, you're some guy, you're not even going to come close. My heart and my emotional vulnerability, you have to prove that you're worth it. And I'm not going to give you an entryway by the way that I look. And if that girl has that taqwa, don't you as a man feel so secure and safe and Alhamdulillah? It's a beautiful feeling. That's the best feeling. Yeah. So definitely. So what are some preventative measures in regards to this, to where a man, he doesn't get mesmerized by the beauty. One thing that I was thinking is that he really has to take a step back and have introspection. What am I consuming that paints the picture of beauty for me? Right. Right. So if I'm on social media and I follow a lot of women, I think you mentioned this to me, I follow a lot of women, I'm subconsciously going to think beauty is this. So when I see a Muslim sister that doesn't dawn on a lot of makeup, right, and doesn't dress a certain way, right, that, oh, okay, she must not be beautiful. She's a quote unquote, I think you mentioned, a good girl. Right. That some may say, and not to say that when it dawns on makeup, it was a bad girl. We're not saying that, but he may think that beauty is only that. Right. And that she may be someone that doesn't have any adventures. He's boring, whatever the case may be. Beauty goes far beyond the face is far beyond the tangible. So I think once they look at that and take a step back and what am I really consuming? Who do I want to be the mother of my children? It goes far beyond what you see. Absolutely. Defining what beauty is. Yeah. Defining what beauty is. So tell the men out there, set your definitions. Set your definitions. Let the Sharia set those definitions. Right, right, right. At the baseline, what I tell young men is, is it something that's going to prevent you from Zina? Will you be, you know, beauty, and this is actually part of my thesis, like beauty is a social construct to a certain degree. Like we all have general ideas of beauty,
but different cultures have different, you know, definitions of beauty, right? Whether it's skin tone or whether it's like, you know, very true, right? Like, I think some, some, some tribes, like value, like long necks, right? And so they, you know, or ears, right? So one of the research studies that they did on beauty is they would have somebody look at, look through like a one-way mirror at somebody else and kind of rate their attractiveness. And so they would look and say like, wow, you know, that person's like an eight out of 10 or six out of 10, maybe, right? Let's say, okay, this person's six out of 10. And then you would have another group of people join in that room and also look and just kind of like whisper among each other. It's like, man, that person's so good looking. They're like a nine out of 10. And then the first person would change their response, right? Based on like, well, if everybody else thinks that, you know, that's beautiful, maybe there's something wrong with my eyes. So yeah, it's interesting. It does, it changes, but if, if, if she's beautiful to you, she's beautiful to you, if it's going to prevent you from zina, if it's going to, you know, protect you in that sense, alhamdulillah. Long gone are the days where, you know, the first woman you ever, like, you know, saw like her leg is your wife, right? And that would excite you. That's gone now, right? Unfortunately, you go to the gym and they're half naked, you know, Allah protect us, you know? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Which leads us to the last point, which you're talking about. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, and be more successful with religion. And he makes a dua, which was to, it was like to encourage, you know, looking for the one that has the religion. Not saying that the other three are wrong, as you mentioned, we hope that you find out there one that has all four of them, inshallah, but if you were to choose, or to, you know, she had all the other three, but there was like a scale, but her religion, mashallah, the religion of the family or her and herself, and we say religion that she holds predominantly, her purpose as well is to worship Allah and to show gratitude to Allah
through marriage and understanding what Islam says about marriage and willing to comply with the Islamic message before anything else, right? Marry her for her religion. Now, you mentioned something earlier, and I've seen this as well, where a brother will marry a sister he's not attracted to, okay, but he was told and he sees that she has religion. Is that a pitfall? It's a huge pitfall. Why? Because it goes against the first, one of the purposes, objectives of marriage is to protect against sin. Okay. So it goes against that. If there's not physical attraction whatsoever, and I'm talking about, not that, you know, she has to be a 10 out of 10, but there's no physical attraction whatsoever. And unfortunately, I've seen like to the point where, you know, brothers have told me like, no, I have difficulty being intimate with my spouse because there's that little, that's a problem, you know, but again, that's an extreme, right? Right, right. But that doesn't mean anything's wrong with her. Right. Exactly. Exactly. It's just that, okay, first let's back up. Is it possible that two religious people cannot, they can have no physical attraction towards one another? Of course. Yeah. Very possible. Just want to get that out there. Yeah. Even with the Sahabas, that was the case. Exactly. Exactly. Just want to get that out there that it's okay for you to say, she's religious, but she's just not beautiful to me. And then your friend says, what are you talking about, bro? Okay. Move over. Right. So it's, it's very, very, very much possible. So that's why, you know, just starting with that, that, you know, you mentioning that if someone marries for their religion, because I met brothers, they felt guilty. Mm. Yes. Exactly. And that's what, that's what drove it. Yes. Yes. Right. You know, everyone's saying, grandmother saying, I've noticed she was too, you know, what do you mean? Right. And he doesn't want to mess up everything, nor, nor does he want to hurt her feelings. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. But what's going to hurt more? There you go. So unpack that. Because we're talking about masculinity here.
Right. Like you mentioned, decisive and knowing what you want. Exactly. Being decisive and knowing what you want, being honest, right? And doing a respectful manner is going to save the girl's feelings and yours and potential children, you know, children, you know, way more than you feeling bad, feeling guilty, going through with something, even though your gut, your heart tells you this is wrong. You know, I've seen this a lot. Okay. Right. You're going back to the whole idea of like the importance of like, you know, the process of looking at what you look for. Right. When people divorce, they go back to those moments and say, man, I knew I should have trusted my gut. Wow. Right. Even people who've got divorced after 20, 30 years, they remember those moments, the whole process. Oh yeah. Are you serious? A hundred percent. Yeah. So they'll, they'll talk about like during their divorce, 20 or 30 years later, they'll talk about that gut feeling they had in the beginning. Yeah. Like I knew this red flag. I knew that red flag and it, you know, most of the time it turns out to be true. Right. You were spot on about that red flag, right? Like you, you know, thought maybe it'll go away. Maybe if I just focus on this one good quality, I'll, you know, and it doesn't. She has a religion, right? By the way, I liked your definition of religion. Can we define Dean? Because, you know, we're, we're in, we're in Dallas. It's a very broad. Yeah. Like there's a lot of students of knowledge, right? Does Dean mean somebody who's memorized like Al-Firdumalik and Shantabiyya and that's it, but has horrible Akhlaq. Like what is Dean? Yeah. Cause Dean doesn't mean she's like in an Islamic seminary only or Hafidha in the Quran. That's not Dean only. Right. Dean is more than that. Yeah. Dean is, it's much more comprehensive. It's much more comprehensive. It's someone that is trying their best to please Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la through the framework that he has given them in their actions and in the way that they, in their actions with themselves and with people and with Allah. It's a beautiful Hadith of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, when he said, Umad Ibn Jabal, you know, he said, Ittaqillah haithumakunt, himra budhar. He said, fear Allah wherever you are. Then follow up a bad deed with a good deed or erase it and treat mankind in goodness. In goodness.
So when you talk about Akhlaq is very, very important. Because, you know, on the flip side, you'll see the brother at the masjid, Masha'Allah, he's smiling with a bad hold. Yeah. Allahumma sanjibun. Right. Right. Right. So it's about being mindful of, being mindful of Allah wherever you are, which is actualized by following up a good deal with a bad deal, erase it and treating mankind with good manners. So it's very important that you mentioned that point. The student of knowledge, you know, is someone that is trying to get a hold of the authentic sources that will assist him if he embodies it to make him or her a scholar or to make him or her a better person. But it's a huge responsibility because now, you know, I tell a lot of guys, like you said, so that'll keep you away from Zina. I see someone that when you wake up in the morning, you see her face. She's attractive. You're attracted to her. Like just the way, you know, that's it. Right. That's it. And then when she starts to speak and the way she talks to you, it's magnetic. By the way, I'm sorry to get, like, this is for, for the young men in particular, right? Like the whole idea of like beauty, it works both ways. And it's also about upkeep. So Barakallafiq for like, you know, promoting fitness and all of this, honestly, honestly, right. If you, if you want a girl who's a 10, you know, are you hitting the gym? Are you, you know, wearing clean clothes? Are you taking care of your hygiene? Are you well-groomed? All of that, right? So beauty, it's, it's, it's something that, you know, you have to keep up with and it's good to get into that habit, especially for both young men and young women beforehand so that they're able to keep up with it. Like after marriage, right. You know, the person you're supposed to look the best for is your spouse. So build those habits beforehand of like, you know, I know it sounds simple, but like, honestly, some, some brothers, like, you know, they, they, they, they come to Juma and like sweat pants and like, you know, mustard stains on their shirt, probably after eating your hamburgers and stuff, you know? And so it's like. My hamburger is okay. It's halal. I'm just upset you didn't bring any, man. I'm doing halal mustard. You know, when it comes to deen, there's one thing that comes up whenever we're talking about deen for guys out there. And I think we need to really need to address this.
I know we're running short on time too, but the hijab is a main thing for guys. They automatically assume that when we say, that means if she's wearing hijab, she's religious, hands on everything. I love that point so much. Yes, sir. And the reality is hijab is one aspect of deen. It isn't all of deen. Guys have to know this, right? I seen, and I work with, I work with a lot of young men and women. I seen young sisters that are like religious in their khnaq, religious in their salah. They maintain their prayers, like their mannerisms, even like their gaze. Well, it's, it's, it's actually weird. Like they lower their gaze when they talk, they're very shy and whatnot, but they don't wear hijab. I've seen, I've seen that numerous cases. They don't wear hijab. Yeah, exactly. And then you have a sister who wears hijab, but she's all out there talking to every guy, sitting in every gathering, sitting like all up. And in reality, you know, you don't want to fall in as a, as a man, you don't want to conflate the two. 100%. I automatically assume if she's wearing hijab, she's more religion and more religious than the one who doesn't. Yes, yes. Or by the way, or if she wears hijab, that she doesn't have a past. There you go. She wears a hijab that she doesn't have a past because the fault is in your assumption that because she wore hijab, because I even asked the right questions. I'm just assuming because you have hijab, you've been perfect your whole life. That's not you, dude. Yeah, yeah. And vice versa. Yeah, yeah. And vice versa. Just because she doesn't wear hijab doesn't mean she was going out and she had boyfriends and whatnot. It doesn't, it doesn't mean that. Yeah, yeah. You know, man. Yeah. We want to make it, make sure that these young men, you know, I like how you mentioned Juma. I think that's a good, you know, point for it. It's a good market. Yeah. Because it's like, okay, if you're going to be serious about something, old guy that's got out of college, hasn't found a job yet, doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Okay. Start out with Juma. That's when you wake up Friday morning, make the intention, man, I'm going to be clean tonight. I'm going to stunt today or today, I'm going to wear my best garment. I'm going to iron my shirt.
If I don't know how I'm going to learn how to do it, I'm not going to have mommy do it. Right. I'm going to learn how to do it. And I'm going to go to Juma on time. I'm going to try to get to the first row. I'm going to be responsible to where when this becomes a habit with intention, the majority of the time that when I looked at a father-in-law, you know, I found out it's the guy that's been my master for so long and he's seen me at Juma, you know, early, you never know. So it's beautiful at this Hadith that it's so comprehensive. And I feel blessed that I was able to share it with both of y'all, masha'Allah, because it's, there's much more that can be talked about, insha'Allah, and we're going to talk on the next, the next time, the next episode, bithnillah, about during marriage, what are some things that, you know, that could lead to divorce for those of you that are currently married, because some of us are divorced and we're still married, divorced psychologically, but still married. But today, alhamdulillah, with this beautiful Hadith, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam speaking about this beautiful Hadith that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that a woman is married for four things, for her, her deen or for, excuse me, for her money, for her lineage, for her beauty and for her religion and be successful in the religion. And that's what we hope all of you will be successful in your religion. And that is the ultimate way that one can embody their masculinity. Jazakumullah khair for tuning in and stay tuned with us, insha'Allah, ta'ala. Leave comments if there's anything that impacted you and anything that you want to share with us that we can further take into consideration for our next coming episodes. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
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