For Those Left Behind
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Ep. 12: Condolences (the 'azza) | For Those Left Behind
How do you give condolences in Islam? What are the best words to say when giving Islamic condolences? And what practices and gatherings are acceptable in receiving condolences?
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction
00:40 What to say when offering condolences
When offering condolences, the Prophet ﷺ taught us to say, "To Allah belongs that which He has taken and that which He has given. And everything is with Allah in accordance with its prescribed time. So be patient and seek the reward of Allah."
The Prophet ﷺ also used to say, "May Allah magnify your reward, perfect your grieving, and forgive your dead."
03:20 Cultural practices vs Sunnah of the 'azza
Formal and large gatherings in the home of the grieving family which requires them to host visitors and serve them elaborate food is a cultural practice. This is not from the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ.
The sunnah of the 'azza (giving condolences) is to:
1. Give the grieving family space
2. Relieve them of their responsibility so that they can grieve
3. Make food for them
4. Offer condolences in ways that do not infringe upon the space of the family
For the grieving family, it is ok to set boundaries and let others know if they need space. They have the choice to say who they'd like to be around them while they're grieving without being burdened by any extra expectations.
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. If you think back to your hardest moments, and you think about the words that you remember being said in those moments by those that were around, you typically remember things that were really, really out of place, things that were said that were very insensitive. But as far as the good words, you don't necessarily remember the good words as much as you remember the good presence of people. People who you felt like were really grieving alongside you, people who had a comforting presence, but their words aren't etched in your memory as much. Azalat al-anwati arhawtullah When someone said something that really was out of place, you probably remember that. There are exceptions to that. Ibn Abbas radiAllahu ta'ala Anhumah, he mentions when his father passed away, al-Abbas radiAllahu ta'ala Anhumah, that there was a Bedouin man that said something so simple to him in offering him condolences, but it was so profound. He said, khayru min al-Abbasi ajruka ba'da He said that what's better for you than al-Abbas, than having your father, is the reward that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la gives you for being patient with the loss of your father. wallahu khayru minka li-al-Abbas And Allah is better than you for your father. Meaning that as much as you loved having your father around, the reward that you have for grieving him properly and being patient with his loss is greater than actually having him here. And as much as your father loved you, the way that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la will love him and take care of him in the next realm amongst the righteous, is far greater than any love and comfort that you could have offered him in this world. It's a very profound statement. And it matches what the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam taught us to say when we're offering condolences to people. He said SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam, inna lillahi ma akhada wa lahu ma a'ta So he says to the grieving family,
that to Allah belongs that which he has taken and that which he has given. He starts with that which he has taken, right? To Allah belongs that which he has taken and that which he has given. Your loved one was never really yours, okay? It was always for Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. You and them were always for Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. So inna lillahi ma akhada wa lahu ma a'ta wa'indahu kulla shay'in bi ajli musamma And everything is with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la in accordance with its prescribed time. Meaning everything has its expiration date. Everyone has their prescribed term on this earth. And once that term finishes, Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la will take that person back no matter what. fal tasbir wal tahtasib So be patient and seek the reward from Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la A very powerful way. We also see that the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam used to say, adhamallahu ajrak Which is of course very common for us to say, may Allah magnify your reward. And it's also been narrated, wa ahsana aza'ak wa ghafara li mayyitik That may he magnify your reward. May he perfect your grieving and may he have mercy on your loved one. Now those are the words that are to be exchanged when a person is offering condolences and receiving condolences. The problem really becomes the practices that surround al-aza' that surrounds the idea of condolences. And most of them are not only not found in the sunnah, they're actually opposite of the sunnah. The Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam when Ja'far ibn Abi Talib radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu, his cousin passed away, there's a very long and beautiful narration of the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam going to the family of Ja'far radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu. And he has to inform them of the death of Ja'far radiAllahu Anhu. And Asma, the wife of Ja'far, gives us this powerful narration of the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam coming in and she had prepared the kids, she prepared herself waiting for Ja'far to come back,
but instead it's the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam and the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam calls for the kids and they all jump on him, alayhi salatu wasalam, loving him as he was their uncle, not just the messenger of Allah. And the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam starts to smell their hair, he starts to kiss them and embrace them. And Asma knows that something is wrong, something is wrong with the demeanor of the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam, but she was afraid to ask. And finally, the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam mentions that Ja'far radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu was martyred. And when the pain overtakes Asma bint Umayyad radiAllahu Anha and the family of Ja'far, that's where the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam says, Isna'u li aali ja'faru ta'ama, that make food for the family of Ja'far, faqad ataahum ma yashghaluhum, because there is something that has come to them, which is keeping them busy. What keeps them busy has come to them, meaning they are preoccupied with the death of Ja'far radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu, so make food for them so that they don't have to worry about making food for themselves. Now, the problem is, is that we've completely flipped the sunnah. The sunnah is to give the family space. And I say this to the immediate family, more than anything else, don't be afraid to tell people you need space, because sometimes people undertake these practices, like three days opening the house between Maghrib and Isha, and it's always past Isha, and then we have to serve food to all of these guests, and then, you know, they come and they talk about other things, and we're left with not just grieving, but having to host, and not only do we have to host, we have to clean up after people. People say insensitive things to us, people crowd us, some people are there not even talking about anything that has to do with death, they're talking about matters of the dunya, we have to clean up after they leave. This is not from the sunnah of the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam. So in reality, we are supposed to do the things
that relieve the family of the deceased of as much as possible so that they can possibly grieve. And so instead of, you know, going to their homes and forming these gatherings or forcing these gatherings upon them, make food for them, start a meal train, make food for them. That's the sunnah of the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam. Offer condolences in ways that do not infringe upon the space of the family. And if you are the family of the deceased, don't be afraid to set those boundaries. And you know, when it comes to the Aza, there are, you know, some narrations from one of the companions of the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam, for example, that we used to consider gathering and having food and feasting as a form of niyaha, as a form of wailing and mourning, which hurts the dead. But look, the overall rule here is give space, give space, take care of the needs of the family, offer condolences without becoming a burden upon them in the process. And for the family to be comfortable in conveying that and not burdened by a tradition that somehow is dressed as a sunnah, where you have to have this formal gathering for three days and three nights. And subhanAllah, you even find that people start to compete with the type of food that they have to prepare. So there's a financial expense as well. You know, one family is gonna serve this type of food and then you have to have, you know, fresh sacrifices because that's how you honor the dead. None of that is from the sunnah of the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam. In fact, most of the scholars mentioned that giving the condolences should be done, you know, in the masjid or where you see the people without infringing upon them. And should the family have people come and visit them? Should the family accompany, you know, others or have others accompany them? If they want that, if they want that, then they can have those that they need be around them. So it's also not to the extent where like, it's haram to have people come and visit you for those three days. No, but you should have the choice to say who you would like to be around you for those three days
and not be burdened by any extra expectations. And so with the aza, once again, the sunnah is ease and the innovations are hardship and provide all sorts of difficulties for the family. And it's important for us to separate the two, to grieve for three days, to take time off, to reflect, to remember Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la to have everything prepared for you and not to add on more that will burden you or burden, especially the closer relatives. And sometimes by the way, the extended family puts pressure on the immediate family to do certain things. And that's also not fair. So as a family grieve together, read the Quran. Remember Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la mentioned good aspects of the dead. It's okay to get together and to remind one another of death, to speak about death, but don't take on an extra level of feast or gathering that is not going to honor the dead, nor is it going to honor the sunnah of the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam.
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