Trauma: Your Lord Has Not Forsaken You
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I Should've Gotten Over It by Now | Trauma Ep. 2
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful. The idea that I should have gotten over it by now. Or the idea that my Iman must not be strong enough if I'm not over it yet. A lot of times people describe grief as feeling like you're in the middle of an ocean. And in the middle of a storm. And finding the waves just crashing over you constantly. And then whenever you try and bring your head up for a little bit of air to get a little bit of relief, a little bit of respite from the storm. Another wave just crashes right over you and you feel like you're drowning again. And then even when you experience the calm that comes when you think that the storm has passed. Suddenly one thing will come up and the waves start all over again. It can be any small trigger that will trigger a memory of a loved one that you might have lost. Of somebody who's hurt you. Of a situation that you just don't really want to remember. And then the waves just start crashing over you again. And a lot of times what we as human beings struggle with and often times we as Muslims struggle with. Is the idea that I've grieved long enough. I should have gotten over it by now. And also the idea that grief is not in line with accepting the decree of Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. And you might be making yourself feel guilty about this. Or other people in your life might be making you feel guilty about this. And you feel like it takes you even further away from Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. So one thing that I want to mention with regards to this is the example of the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. Where when he lost his young son Ibrahim.
There's a hadith that narrates that he was weeping. Right. And one of the companions came and he asked him about this. That you know I see that you're crying. And the Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam responded that this is mercy. And he says that the eyes shed tears and the heart grieves. But the tongue does not utter other than what's pleasing to Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. And so we see that the greatest human being to ever walk the earth. The person who was so beloved to Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. The one that we try to emulate in our daily lives. Was in fact grieving. And that grief is not synonymous with weak Iman. This is an idea that we kind of have to try and separate ourselves from to try and get closer to Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. One of the thought processes that often happens when we're struggling with grief. And that when we have these feelings of guilt surrounding the fact that we're experiencing sadness or hurt or disappointment. Is the idea that I must not have strong enough Iman. Or I should be stronger. Or I should have gotten over it by now. And what these are called are should statements. And should statements fall under the category of cognitive distortions. And cognitive distortions are basically unhealthy thinking patterns that we sometimes fall into. And this can definitely happen with any type of traumatic experience or any type of loss that happens in our lives. And so one thing that's really important is for us to be aware of what we're saying to ourselves. These should statements. Because what they are are standards that are unrealistic that we hold ourselves to. They're very rigid rules that we naturally struggle with. Because what happens is that when we hold ourselves to impossible standards. We start to believe that Allah Subhanu Wa Ta'ala holds us to impossible standards. And if we can't fulfill the impossible, then why should we even try to fulfill the possible? And that brings us then again further away from Allah Subhanu Wa Ta'ala. So one thing to be aware of is that there's a difference between healthy guilt.
When we have kind of passed a line with regards to what our personal values are. And shame. So when we have healthy guilt, it'll be something like I'm really struggling right now because I'm feeling so down. So I'm struggling with my prayers. And I'm feeling badly about that. But I know that I'll feel better even if I just try to do one today. And I know that's going to bring me closer to Allah Subhanu Wa Ta'ala. What you're doing there is you're identifying the behavior that you're struggling with. And you're working to hold yourself accountable and fix it. That's healthy. But when we experience shame, that's where you say I'm really struggling right now. And so I'm struggling with my prayers. I'm just a horrible person. And Allah Subhanu Wa Ta'ala must hate me because of the fact that I'm struggling with something so simple. And that then brings you further away from Allah Subhanu Wa Ta'ala. Because you're not identifying the behavior. You're viewing the problem as you. Right? And if the behavior is not the issue and you are the issue, then how is that going to change? And so that can also really eat away at you. So one tip that I want to leave you with that you can practically work on with regards to trying to overcome these should statements is to, number one, be aware of what they are. What are you saying to yourself? So whenever you hear the words should, must, if only, right, that's where you know that that's a thought that you can tweak a little bit. So you might say something like, I should have gotten over it by now, like what we're talking about. And then the question you ask yourself is, okay, well then what does it mean if you don't get over it by now? And then you might tell yourself, well it means that my iman is weak and that I'm far away from Allah Subhanu Wa Ta'ala. And then if that were true, then what would it mean about you? And the thought that might go through your mind would be something like, well then that means that Allah Subhanu Wa Ta'ala hates me. When you go through that thought pattern, ask yourself, is this a thought pattern that brings you closer to Allah Subhanu Wa Ta'ala or further away?
Because if it's bringing you further away, then you know that this is something to address and to work on. Because the point of us having standards for ourselves in our lives is for us to become our best selves. And if those very standards are what's holding us back from becoming our best selves and are holding us back from getting closer to Allah Subhanu Wa Ta'ala, then it's time to change those standards. You can read a lot more about this in the article that's being released in the Yaqeen series, Your Lord Has Not Forsaken You, where you can get a lot more tips and a lot more information on changing the should statements that might be plaguing you right now. Jazakumullahu khairan. As-salamu alaykum.
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