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Healing from Divorce and Loss | Webinar
September 2, 2022 • Yaqeen Institute
For those of us who have experienced divorce firsthand, we know how difficult it can be. We are often left feeling frustrated or hurt by how matters were handled and ended. Despite its taboo nature today, Allah and His Messenger ﷺ directly addressed concerns over divorce.
Join Sh. Zaynab Ansari, Sr. Shazia Ashraf, and Sh. Mohammed Elshinawy as they reflect on the Qur’anic and prophetic precedent in navigating emotions after divorce and loss.
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Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim. Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen. Wa bihi nasta'een. Wa salatu wasalamu ala rasulihi al-kareem. Salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. My name is Zainab Ansari, and I am going to be moderating today's special webinar with our esteemed guests. So we have with us today Sheikh Muhammad Al-Shinawi and Sister Shazia Ashraf, and our topic is Healing from Divorce and Loss. Now before I bring our guests on for their very first question, let me just say a couple things about this topic. You know, one of the things that's really beautiful about this tradition of ours is that Allah Ta'ala and His Messenger, alayhi salatu wasalam, have never shied away from addressing in a very frank way these topics in both the Qur'an and the hadith of the Prophet, salallahu alayhi wasalam. And we know that per a hadith of the Prophet, alayhi salatu wasalam, that Allah is with the broken-hearted. And we also know that Allah wants the best for us and Allah Ta'ala wants us to heal. So please help me to welcome our esteemed guest, Sister Shazia Ashraf and Sheikh Muhammad Al-Shinawi, as we discuss how to navigate those difficult emotions that can ensue when we experience divorce and other forms of loss. Now, Sheikh Muhammad has counseling experience and pastoral experience as the religious director of the Jesus Son of Mary Mosque in Allentown, Pennsylvania. And he's also a researcher for Yathreen Institute. And Sister Shazia has been a teacher for 20 years and helped develop a divorce support group in her community called Life After Divorce. And if you'd like to learn more about joining a support group, you can go to lifeafterdivorce.us. So I really appreciate having both of you here with me today. And let's kind of go right into the heart of the topic here. So you are giving somebody nasiha, and that person is in the midst of dealing with a divorce.
So they come to you, and we'll start with Sister Shazia. They come to Sister Shazia and they say that they've just gotten divorced and they just feel overwhelmed by all the emotions surrounding it. They feel sad, they feel upset, they feel angry, they feel grieved even. What would you advise that person? What should they do? Assalamu alaikum. Bismillah, alhamdulillah, wassalatu wassalam wa rasool Allah. It's wonderful to be here, and I'm really grateful that Yathreen is talking about this topic head on. And what a wonderful question. So I want to first begin by saying that divorce is a difficult trial. The end of marriage is challenging, painful, even excruciating, even in the most amicable circumstances. It's the death of a relationship you thought that would last. It's the death of patterns and roles that are familiar. If you have children, it may feel like you're splitting up your family. And if you don't, your dreams of having a family become uncertain at best. So to those who have recently experienced divorce or are in the healing process, first, I say that I am one of you and I've walked with many of you. But I ask Allah to comfort you and provide ease for you, relieve you of your burdens. And may this trial be a means of closeness with Allah and a spiritual elevation for you. I'm deeply sorry that you are experiencing the pain and grief that comes with this type of trial. So in the immediate aftermath of divorce, you know, or a trial that really knocks the wind out of you, it's important to manage your energy and take care of yourself. So it's the simple things like eating nutritious food for some, getting enough rest for others, getting out of bed, get some movement and stay in touch with friends and family, even if you feel that you want to isolate yourself. You know, consider therapy or a life coach when you are ready to do some emotional heavy lifting.
And that time will come. Practice receiving if you struggle with that. Ask for help and maintain your spiritual obligations, even if you struggle. Be vulnerable with Allah. Pour your heart out to him. And inshallah, you will find release and relief in that. It's very normal to feel a wide range of emotions and really strong emotions like anger, betrayal, abandonment, fear, loneliness, even depression. And it's important to feel those feelings and learn how to process them. Trust that this will come with time, effort and some support. And throughout the entire process, just show yourself some grace and patience as you navigate the grieving process, which is unique for every person and recognize that we have a spiritual ideal, but that also where we are is where we begin. And lastly, this is something I feel really strongly about is talk to others who have gone through this in like a support group so that you're reminded to have hope and know that the help of Allah is near. Excellent. Thank you so much, Dr. Shazi. I really appreciate that. There are a couple of things that you said that I actually want to ask Sheikh Mohammed about. And you mentioned, Dr. Shazi, the idea of being vulnerable with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And I wanted to and you mentioned the idea of kind of giving oneself time to to grieve. So I wanted to ask Sheikh Mohammed, given what we know about, say, the definition of Qada and Qadr and the idea that the Qadr is basically, you know, what what hits somebody was not going to miss them. What missed them was not going to hit them. What would you say, Sheikh Mohammed, is someone who comes to you and they say, look, I really feel sad about this. I'm lamenting this. I'm experiencing this as a form of loss. Yet someone has told me my Iman is weak and I should just move on because that's the Qadr.
What would you say to that person? No, I'd say that person was either misunderstood or misinformed you. Because we were actually given tools with which to remedy sadness and grief. You know, Ibn Qayyim says, and he argues, you know, very masterfully that grief, though this is a little bit controversial in the Tazkiyah spiritual refinement discourse, is never inherently praiseworthy. Sadness, you know, some people think, you know, I need to be down. You know, that's where Allah wants me. It's his Qadr and so on and so forth. And so they never try to remedy it. That's one of the problems. The other problem is that we sort of downplay people's grief and think remedying it is an overnight thing. And that's not necessarily true. I mean, Yaqub, alayhi salam, lived with a great deal of grief. You can even call it depression if we don't intend by that, that he was paralyzed in terms of his ability to live by Allah and for Allah to remain guided atop the mountain of the rightly guided. Of course, these are the prophets we're talking about. But staying sad for a while, so long as you don't accept that, that this is my Qadr and to stay sad, or so long as you don't have this unrealistic expectation of, you know, I should be getting over it overnight. These things need to be clarified big time. I mean, the Prophet ﷺ on the one hand, he gave us spiritual remedies when he said that there is no person that is afflicted with grief or anxiety. And he says, and I don't want to sort of hijack the episode. It's a long, beautiful dua. It's called Dua al-Qarb. You can look it up. It's narrated by Ibn Mas'ud, collected by Ahmad and others. He says, you know, but I do want to capture the beginning of this, because a lot of times our grief is self-inflicted, either because we think we're supposed to be sad, or we think that I need to figure this out all on my own, which is a problem.
No, you need to remove that load from your shoulders, and it's not your problem. This is Allah ﷻ who's going to carry you through this. The dua says, Allahumma inni abduk wa abnu abdik wa abnu amatikna. Oh Allah, I'm your servant and son of your servant and son of your female servant. My forelock, full control over me is in your hands. You know, your verdict over me is final, and you know, your decisions about me are always just. What is all of this? This deference to Allah is the greatest remedy to grief. So that's like a spiritual remedy, and it's the most important remedy. But even, you know, our mother Aisha, radhiAllahu anha, in Sahih Muslim, I believe, she said that the Prophet ﷺ prescribed for sad people talbina. Talbina is basically like oatmeal. It's, you know, like some sort of, you know, oats and mixed in with some sweet or whatnot. But these are carbs, these are sugars, not processed, but they're sugars. And so this is a, and he said, Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, innaha tujimmu alfu'ad wa tathhabu bi ba'd al-huzn. This sort of collects, you know, your heart and does away with some of the sadness. And so seeking every means accessible to you, and knowing that it may not happen overnight, and beginning with deferring to Allah, but every avenue, whether that's communal support, whether that's professional counseling and otherwise, should be sought out. Don't just resign to this, that it's my job to fix it, or it shouldn't be fixed to begin with. Sadness is attributed in the Quran to shaytan. He has you right where he wants you if you resign to your sadness. That is the greatest thing he weaponized against the believer. There's even one hadith, and I'll just close it quickly. It's very interesting because it shows that this is not a new concept. It's not necessarily even ignorance of the religion, though it does require awareness. These are sometimes personality types. That a man, the Prophet ﷺ came to him and saw that he was really, really down and out, like physically or emotionally, but he was in a bad state. He was very sick.
And he just had a hunch, salallahu alayhi wa sallam, that this was self-inflicted. And he said to him, did you say something? Like are you making a particular dua these days? And he said, yeah. I said to Allah, O Allah, whatever you want to punish me with in this, whatever punishment I deserve, right, that concept, right, whatever punishment I deserve that you're going to punish me with in the hereafter, just give it to me here in this world so I don't have to see it in the hereafter. So the Prophet ﷺ said, like, why would you do that? Like, why don't you just ask Allah to not punish you, right? And so he said it would have been so much better for you to say, O Allah, grant me the good life, the goodly life in this world and the goodly life in the next world and to protect me from the torment of the fire. So don't resign. Don't, you know, get deflated and don't own it entirely. Work through it. And, you know, Allah ﷻ promises that nothing in this world, including its devastating punches sometimes, will last. Jazakumullahu khairan. Thank you, Sheikh Muhammad. And I really appreciate that you shared that because one of my follow-up questions is this idea of if I experience hardship, I see that as perhaps a punishment from Allah ﷻ. So, you know, we read in the Holy Qur'an in Al-Baqarah, verse 286, laa yukallifu Allahu nafsin illa wasa'aha so that Allah does not charge a soul except with its capacity, i.e. Allah does not give to someone more than they can bear. So we know this from the Qur'an, yet at the same time, you know, we have these examples, as you mentioned, Sheikh Muhammad, in past precedent of people that are kind of feeling this heaviness and overwhelm. In some cases, in that case, perhaps self-inflicted. But my question here is what can we do, maybe, Sureshazi, then Sheikh Muhammad, if you want to speak to this, what can we do so that we are not framing this in terms of God must be punishing me
because I had this difficult experience that I really did not want to have. How do we get out of that mindset because it's easy to fall into that mindset? That's such a great question and, you know, I can, you know, when I think about some of the people that I have been in the company of the support group with or my own journey, it's a natural sort of stop that we all make and we have to kind of wrestle with ourselves. So I'll start with a story that I remind myself of when I sometimes feel this way or we share it in the support group. And it's about a woman who was, you know, she had kind of, she was in labor and she had reached a point in her labor where she, and for women who have experienced labor or if you have supported someone through labor, you know, it's a beautiful and very difficult sort of experience. And she had reached a point in her labor that was just so difficult. She just knew she could no longer go on. And, you know, it was too late for pain medication, things like this. And so she turned to her midwife and she just said, I can't, I can't do this anymore. And she was ready to give up. And she just kept repeating that to herself and her midwife, who by the way, had, you know, administered over 2,500 births, turned to her with this like loving, sweet smile and just simply said, wonderful. It means you're almost there. So she knew that she was, this woman was capable of it. And she knew that reaching the end or feeling like that, you know, point where maybe you feel like you can't go any further, that's when relief is right there. So I remind myself of that when I feel like, Hey, is this pain going to end or will you feel like yourself again? Sheikh Muhammad Al-Shinawi mentioned something earlier and in that, or you did sister, Sheikha Zainab, that Allah promises us trials. And there's a verse in Surah Baqarah that I really love. It roughly translates to something like, do you expect you will enter the garden without first having suffered like
those who passed away before you? And that they were, these people were so shaken by their hardship and misfortune that they would say, when will the help of Allah arrive? And you know, my teachers have told me that this is intended to motivate us to be strong and try to have the patience of the believers beforehand. But in terms of a reframe, you know, I always, when I sit with these wonderful individuals who have gone through this difficult trial, one thought that always crosses my mind is, you know, how has Allah favored this person that's been tried and what can I learn from them? How can I sit with them? Because, you know, so if we think of a trial or difficulty, instead of looking at ourselves as maybe victims or looking at ourselves as having misfortune, maybe welcome the possibility of a spiritual awakening or detachment from dunya and a sort of freedom from holding us hostage to the opinions of others. You know, perhaps Allah has come to our doorstep to elevate us. What a wonderful invitation to elevate us through like a trial he knows we can bear and pain that he will help us get through. So I know maybe it sounds like cliche, but you know, for everyone, hang in there. And all we have is like the moment, the moment that we're living right now. And to slow down, to get in touch with yourself, sense what's around you and appreciate each moment as it comes. And healing really does take active work and time. So struggle is not failure, struggle and effort is progress. And Allah sees those efforts. A teacher of mine used to say that, you know, be afraid when Allah has given you dunya and you become too busy with those blessings. So those who are tried are beloved by Allah, most of all the prophets. And as I mentioned, this is why, you know, those facilitators of the divorce support group, we really sit with these people and we think,
who are these people that Allah loves and is trying and what can we learn from them? So perhaps it's not so much what's happening to me or why is this happening to me, but how is this happening for me? And, you know, every trial brings the opportunity to develop our trust in Allah and grow in our God consciousness. And it's an opportunity to reevaluate our priorities and just live an authentic life in alignment with our Islamic values. I'm trying to think if there's anything else I would like to say about that. Mashallah, I found the ayah, by the way. It is ayah 214, I believe, of Al-Baqarah, a beautiful ayah. Mashallah, this is really, really, really profound. Jazakallah khair. I don't think enough people talk about this issue that, you know, we like in the relationships world to always quote whatever is trending, like buzzwords and whatnot, like the concept of a toxic relationship. And divorce sometimes, you know, helps us widen our conceptualization of what toxic could mean, you know? The toxic relationship does not just mean a hostile relationship. It could be a relationship, any favor in your life, really, that is perceived as a blessing. But then it being taken away from you is actually bringing you closer to Allah. Then its loss is actually the blessing here, right? Every favor or comfort or pleasure of this world that brings us farther from Allah is actually a calamity, right? And every, you know, hardship that brings us closer to Allah is actually the true blessing. It doesn't mean we should go seeking hardships, but they can uncover for us such treasures. People, you know, sometimes after divorce or loss or whatever it is, they think like, oh my God, like, then what do I do in life now? Like, what is my purpose? Well, that is the greatest treasure right there for you to realize. Like, they feel so broken, and maybe they should for a second.
Maybe Allah wants to reformat you in a way, wants to, you know, shatter for you the glass house that you're living in, the materialism, and I mean that in the wider sense, not just shopaholics, right? In like having the trophy family, you know, the picture perfect family and the house and the lawn and all. Maybe you were duped for a very long time into a lie about what success and failure actually are in the grand scheme of things. And, you know, it's like Muhammad Ali, Muhammad Ali the boxer. I know it's a little bit of a distant analogy, but he was successful in his own eyes and in most people's eyes. And he lost everything in a sense, at least at the moment, you know, when he went to prison because he didn't want to get drafted to an unjust war. In the end, though, had Allah not sent him Parkinson's, and as he famously says, you know, in his illness, that I used to say I'm the greatest, and, you know, God gave me Parkinson's to remind me that he's the greatest, Subhanahu wa ta'ala, right? Had Allah not given him that, perhaps he would never have qualified for Jannah, inshallah, right? So have you really succeeded? What have you really done at that point? So likewise, Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala taking certain things from us could be our greatest gateways, you know, redefining what true success and true failure are. Maybe Allah knows that with health, I'll drift from him. And so I can only, you know, stay close with cyclic or chronic certain ailments sometimes. Other people, Allah knows that with sickness, that they will not be patient and they'll lose faith in him. Allah knows that some people with riches will become, you know, pompous monsters. Other people, he knows that with poverty, they will lose faith in him and start doubting him. So trust Allah's choice for you over your choice for yourself. That is a profound thing. My job here in this world is not happiness. How's that?
This is probably the number one, you know, the greatest fraud of modern times actually. And Allah liberates some people through loss from that lie. The lie that the purpose of life is happiness. Not just that. That happiness is defined by your sort of materialistic, tangible assets. No. Your purpose in life is to serve Allah, right? And so long, wherever position, whatever lane he puts you in, as Omar radiallahu anhu said, like poverty and riches are two camels. I don't care which of the two I ride to Allah, right? Whatever lane he puts you in, you're still on his path. Subhanahu wa ta'ala. Doesn't mean it's not going to hurt when bad things happen. It's not going to be pleasurable when good things happen. But those are both just assets. Gratitude here, patience there. It's all part of the same purpose. Your purpose is to serve Allah and find at the end of your journey, his pleasure and his forgiveness. Subhanahu wa ta'ala. That's a huge gift. It's a priceless gift. Thank you, Sheikh Mohammed. There's so much that I want to comment on. MashaAllah, very profound. Sister Shazi, I want to go to Sheikh Mohammed for one moment, if I may. So there's something I wanted to ask you about, Sheikh, given the fact that marriage is such a rite of passage in our community, for observant Muslims that is the only avenue for a committed, fulfilling, romantic relationship, and all those sort of issues of identity, in other words, for married people, that identity is very kind of integral to who they are. So my question for you, Sheikh Mohammed, is what do you say to that person who comes to you and they say, I've been told that marriage is half my faith, I invested so much in this, I planned for this, I made dua, I made my istikhara, did everything the right way, got married, now that's over. Am I somehow deficient as a believer because that marriage is over? Was Zainab, radhiAllahu anha, deficient when she got divorced? Like, talk about doing the right thing.
Zainab, radhiAllahu anha, ultimately she became the wife of the Prophet ﷺ, but initially, go back to Surah Al-Ahzab, he told her, marry Zaid, Zaid ibn Haritha. And you know, Zainab's from Quraysh, she's from the elite, and Zaid is like a freed slave. And so she's like, me? Marry Zaid? Never. I'll never do it. And then the ayah comes down, wa ma kana li mu'minin wa la mu'minin itha qad Allahu wa rasooluhu wa amruha ya kuna lahum alkhayratu min amrihim. That it is unbefitting of a believing man or a believing woman when Allah and His Messenger have determined the matter for them to have any say in it. Of course this is an exceptional case, but at the end of the day, Allah Azza wa Jal was disclosing that this one is revelation. There are times when the Prophet ﷺ, you know, saw a man walking through the streets crying after a woman, he wants to marry or stay married to her. She kind of like threw him to the wind, a freed slave. And he just said to her, take him back. She said, I have no need for him. He said, innama anna shafi'a, I'm just trying to like be a middleman here. Okay. But Zainab, the ayah comes down, this is from Allah. Allah wants you to marry Zaid. So she accepts it. She marries Zaid. And it was very turbulent. And she just couldn't get herself to see him as inferior. It was, she couldn't shake it off. That like, I'm from the upper class, he's from the, she couldn't shake it off. And this is, by the way, nothing to be held against Zainab. It's very important to clarify. Sometimes when you have two completely different upbringings, two completely different backgrounds, that's why compatibility is a big thing. Like, oh, are we picked based on religion? Well, that's not necessarily you doing everything right. Because there is, there are compatibility factors. Allah told the father of the girls, don't get in the way if he has religion in character. That doesn't mean the girl shouldn't consider other things. And even the father, in a certain sense, you know, cannot consider for her certain factors. Anyway, Zainab marries Zaid. It doesn't work out. And then they get a divorce. Right?
She was, she would be the greatest person to say like, I did everything right. Why do bad things happen to good people? Right? But when she didn't, when she didn't, Allah Azza wa Jal granted her something that he didn't grant anybody, which is that he married her, not to the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, because other women got that. He married her personally, right, to the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. And that's why she used to like flex a little bit sometimes among the women and say, all of you have been married off to the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam by your fathers and the males of your families. I was married to him from above seven skies. The Quran came down with my sort of my, my marital announcement. And so, yeah, it's, it's, it's so profound that she used to like basically boast of it a little bit. And what I want to say here, because I don't want to take this too long, and I'd rather listen to Shazia, she has more hands on experience and all of this, that an ayah from the Quran will not come down for you. It is true. But if you insist on locking your heart upon, I did everything right, Allah is the best of planners, he is the most wise, I cannot possibly know the wisdom of everything or else I'd be the most wise, but only he's the most wise, right? Then he will either disclose to you some of the wisdom or show you some of the compensation in this world, or both, right? Whether that means contentment at heart, whether that means a superior spouse you never imagined was possible, like Umm Salama radiallahu anha, she said, I said the dua, oh Allah replace me with something better, because the Prophet said so, but I couldn't imagine that would actually happen. If you just lock yourself, that great act of Ibadah, of accepting Allah's decree, he will give you that inner peace, and he may give you compensation from where you least expected it. And that would all just be a first installment to what awaits you in the hereafter. Excellent, Jazakumullah khaira. Thank you, Sheikh Mohammed.
So Sister Shazia, I've got a question for you, and that question is, so as I'm thinking about kind of like young girls coming up, dreaming of marriage, and you know, the Muslim version of Prince Charming, and they're going to have the fairy tale wedding, and as Sheikh Mohammed said, you know, the picture-perfect house and the picket fence and all those things, right? And then it doesn't work out. And you know, for a lot of women, very much their identity revolves around being married and it kind of revolves around life with their husband. They no longer have that status. So, you know, Sister Shazia, how do we deal with that stigma that can sometimes kind of, that we perceive is attached to that person that's gone through that divorce? So yes, having been one of those girls who tied so much of my self-worth, and when we deal with the, you know, many women in the support group also feel the same way, that being a wife is, and being a spouse is such an important part of your identity. So yes, there is loss there, and there is some grief there. And a lot of women do talk about stigma. And so is there stigma toward divorced people in our community? Sure, there is. And do we want our community, our society to be more compassionate and be more understanding and change? Yes. But are we going to wait for that to happen? No. I think that it's really important for us to take that radical responsibility for our lives. And it takes time. Healing does take time. It takes time to be ready to accept this, and it takes time. And again, we are compassionate with ourselves, and we're compassionate with others who are going through this. But we get to a point where we say, this is the life that Allah gave me. These are the tools that he gave me, and what arc can I build with this? And through history, we know many women, and I know my work is mostly with sisters, so I don't want to leave out the brothers here. Brothers do experience pain when they're going through the divorce,
and they feel isolation and loneliness, and they feel a sense of purpose being a husband and a spouse and a leader in their families. And so there is an adjustment period, and we have many examples from our tradition of people who have lived very fulfilling lives, having not chosen marriage, or having not had the opportunity to marry. And I think that it's just really important to take radical responsibility for our lives, and ask yourself, what type of life am I going to live, and how can I make it the best life, even if there are trials or there are things that I may or may not have? So it doesn't mean that you don't aspire to that. I think one of the most challenging things we talk about in the support group is having that balance, because you have to remain open. If Allah gave you the desire to be married, then make du'a for it, and take the means to get there. So you have to remain open. You can't shut yourself off from that, right? And just kind of carry that resentment or carry that burden. At the same time, we also live. We do what we can with the tools that we have. So that's really what I would say. A lot of times we do experience some expectation hangover. No one I've talked to gets married knowing they're going to get divorced or with the intention that their marriage is going to end. No one plans for that. So when it does happen, it's always a surprise. It's always an adjustment. And we do get there with time and with support, and we do create a life, inshallah, that is beautiful and meaningful. Thank you, Mr. Shazi. And one of the things I wanted to comment on, and I really appreciate your sharing that, and the experience of the women in your group, and kind of putting that together with what Sheikh Mohammed said about
this might be an opportunity that Allah is kind of reformatting your existence. One of the things I remember, and I wasn't divorced, I was widowed, is in the very beginning, I deeply resented this idea of my identity has to change. And I think it's just really helpful to hear whether it's the accounts of women and men today who are experiencing this, or whether it's the accounts of the Salaf Salih, our righteous predecessors. I mean, our mother, Sayyidah Zayna bin Jahsh, I mean, that's a great example. She's one of the Ummahat al-Mu'minin, and one of the things that you'll note when you look at the Sirah is that you don't have cookie cutter Muslims. I mean, their spectrum of experience is so rich and vast and varied. So it's really kind of refreshing to kind of hear that that is actually part of the faith journey, that that identity that was so integral to you, now you have to figure out how to kind of move forward in the world without that identity kind of anchoring you. And I remember that being a struggle for me when I was first widowed. Just to kind of share a quick anecdote, someone gave me a book, and I love books, you can probably tell. Someone gave me a book about being newly widowed, and for the first time in my life, I actually threw, like, I don't throw books. I threw the book across the room because I was just so aghast at the idea, because I think the first thing the book said when I opened it was, you have to be willing to kind of let go of that identity, step into a new one. I'm like, no way. So I really appreciate the insights that you're sharing. Thank you so much. So my next question kind of related to this idea of people come and they feel there's some stigma. How can we make sure that as a community, as masajid, as organizations, how can we make sure that we come together and support Muslims who are going through divorce, they don't feel like they're wearing some kind of
scarlet letter on their chest or something? And whoever wants to answer that, bismillah. I mean, I don't want to come off like self-promoting here at all. That's why I'm hesitating. But the few ideas that I've heard of or came to mind that I try to employ in my life or in my community is, of course, building awareness. You got to be measured and tactful in how you do these things. But the likes of, and they are many, but the likes of the account of Zainab, indirectly sort of puts a dent in these sorts of stigmas. The mention of how many divorcees the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam married puts a dent in these stigmas. I think also approaching bachelors and telling them about the perks, not just in terms of the reward and the ajjad and reviving the sunnah and otherwise, but even in terms of perhaps life experience and reasonable expectations and thoughtfulness and gratitude for a husband is much more likely to be found than a divorcee or a widow because they've suffered loss, considering other factors are in place, of course. So that's of the things that we do. I think also something that we should all be doing is that when divorces happen in our communities, we have to revive the sunnah of checking up on people because people could be having a crisis of faith. They could be having an emotional, psychological meltdown, or they could simply be like drifting in their commitment to the deen because they've drifted from the lighthouses of Allah, right? The masajid, the community centers. And when you go and tell them, they're just wondering, they're self-conscious. How is the community going to see me as a divorcee, even if they're not even looking for marriage or remarriage or otherwise?
Like, you know, what has my ex said in the community or how will people look at me? Will they blame me for it, for the divorce and otherwise? And so in a very retail way to go and tell them you need to be here and to ease them into resurfacing in the masjid is paramount. The masajid are the ark of Nuh, alayhis salam, let alone in our times, let alone in us being the scattered 1% of the American Muslim population. You drift from the masjid, you drown in every way. And so going to make sure that they don't drift away from the communities, sending, you know, our bachelors on their pursuit of marriage in directions or seeking out people that include divorcees. Is the word divorcees for men and women? Excuse me for failing my English literature degree and exposing myself. I think we'll need a professor here in writing, professor. OK, cool. You guys know what I mean. Thank you for not being a judgment space. And the third one, of course, is just building the awareness and educating the masses and so on and so forth. Just a shot. I'm sure you can exponentially grow that list. Well, I want to tell us more about that education, education piece and what you're doing. OK, so are we talking to Sheikh Mohammed Al-Shanawi? No, Shazia. So I kind of wanted to draw on what Sheikh Mohammed said about education. So educate the community. So I'm kind of thinking about the idea that if you don't find what you need there in place, maybe you actually say, OK, I can actually help to put this into place. Tell us more about about your work. Right. I want to talk a little bit about stigma and then I'll come back to this. So in terms of stigma, if you're someone that is feeling, you know, ridiculed or not accepted by your family,
friends, community, just know that you're not alone. And also, I think it's important to talk about, you know, our tradition and that Muslims are no strangers to being ridiculed and ostracized. And one thing, a few stories bring me that brought me a lot of comfort were one, the story of Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam in the year of sorrow. And when he went to you know, he lost his protection from his uncle, Abu Talib, and he walked to 70 kilometers to try to spread the message of Islam. And he was ridiculed and sort of chased to the outskirts of town. And his just beautiful Dua, which I'm sure that both of you could speak more aptly to, just his humility before Allah, asking Allah not to be angry with him, asking Allah for his protection. And but what comes in the aftermath, which is through that test and through that humility, just having Isra and Miraj and ascension to heaven and leading the prophets in prayer and meeting Allah. And for all of us to kind of in our own way, think about that, that if I think Abdul Qadir Al-Jilani, Rahmatullahi Alaihi, said that how do you know if something is a test or a blessing? Is is whether you maintain your spirituality or your virtue during it? And to see this as an opportunity that even if you are being ridiculed or you feel like your family and friends are not understanding, know that the Prophet, Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, our prophet, went through this. And Allah gives us a prescription in the Quran. In Surah Hijr, he says, this was also another thing that was very comforting for me and we share in our support group. And I'll come to the support group in a minute, which is that Allah says, we are enough for you against those who mock and ridicule you. We know that your heart is distressed. How beautiful is that? That Allah is saying that he knows that the pain that we feel in our heart during this time.
And he says, glorify your Lord and be steadfast in your prayers, that that is the prescription that you will get through this time. So those two things were really, really comforting for me. It's it's belonging is a human need. I think that, you know, through some of these trials and tests, we begin to sift who we want to belong to and who we peg ourselves to in that way. And Maya Angelou has a really beautiful quote that I just absolutely love, which it says, she says, you are only free when you realize you belong no place, you belong every place, no place at all. The price is high and the reward is great. And I think it's all of these things sort of tied together. For me personally, I'll be really vulnerable here. When I experienced the end of my marriage, it was unexpected and really painful. Like many of you that are listening, my so much of my identity was tied into how good of a wife I was and being a mother and having a household, you know, that was healthy. And so I do believe that Allah chose this trial for me. And I've gotten to the place now where I can be grateful for this trial and see the growth that happened. But in the immediate aftermath, I did not feel like I could go to the masjid. I had three boys. I have three boys, Alhamdulillah. And to take them, they were too old to be in the prayer section with me, too young to be on their own. So it was a really difficult time for me. And so I have a church that's close by to my house and they had on their billboard, you know, divorce care, child care provided, you know, certain days and certain times. And and I thought, OK, I'm going to go. And it was a really wonderful experience. I was able to talk about Islam with the group because they did talk about theology a little. But really, they talked about what grief is and what's happening to me, because it does feel like a tornado has struck you emotionally speaking.
You know, we talk about different emotions like anger and betrayal. We talk about loneliness. We talk about caring for children and finances. We talked about, you know, new relationships and moving forward and how this can strengthen your relationship with with Allah. And I am still friends. You know, it's been six, seven years. And Don and John, a husband and wife, they had both experienced divorce prior. Just having them as mentors and guides has been really, really wonderful and beneficial. And so they helped us create a divorce support group within our Muslim community. And then we had different Shuyukh local and regional who did some video recordings for us as well. And it's still a process. It's still being developed. And so if your community is interested in, you know, become if you're interested in becoming a facilitator or if you feel like you really need this in your community, please, you know, reach out to me. And Sister Zainab will mention the website at the end again, inshallah. But it was a really beautiful journey. And I'm grateful for the trial because of this beautiful thing that came out of it. And isn't that how life works sometimes is that, you know, the trial that we absolutely didn't want ends up bringing this growth in us. And something beautiful is created out of it. Well, that's amazing. Thank you, Sister Shazia. I really appreciate it. So, Sheikh Mohammed, I also wanted to ask you a question. This is going to be a little bit, unless you wanted to comment, what Sister Shazia said. I love the idea of you don't find this in your community, go and put this into place to benefit people who are going through this. And I'm glad you're able to find that welcoming community, Sister Shazia. But I had a question for Sheikh Mohammed that I wanted to ask. And that's, you know, so far we've kind of talked about how to support people, how we should feel about this, how to kind of reframe our feelings. But there's also the very, and Shazia, you alluded to this, there's a very practical side of this.
I mean, you're not running, you know, you're kind of, you're not part of that traditional kind of household anymore, you know, with the mom and dad and the kids and sort of that stability that all of us really kind of love and enjoy. And then that's also governed by Islamic sacred law. So my question, Sheikh Mohammed, is what advice would you give to someone? I would imagine, especially women who might come along and say that they felt that their divorce process was maybe not quite fair to them, that they were maybe navigating a civil divorce, also navigating Islamic divorce law. And they kind of felt that things didn't really go the way they wanted. What would you say to that, to that sister? I know that that's a tough question. I know. It's sticky and I don't want really anyone to, because that is the nature of Ahkam versus Fatawa, right? Sort of Islamic rulings and laws in principle, and then sort of customized or personalized edicts that have variables that may not be clear to the questioner or the person asking. And they assume that this is analogous to my case when it may not be. But in general, the Islamic process for divorce is rather straightforward. And even reflecting on it, of course, it is fair because it's from Allah, right? But even reflecting on it, the wisdom and justification rationale in the dynamic seems rather clearly justifiable, clearly just. I'll establish that in a second or explain what I mean by that in a second. But of course, how that plays out on the ground gets extra complicated with two factors. The first of them is that in the past 20 years, I'm not a marital counselor nor like a marriage or divorce arbiter.
But if there's one pattern that eclipses them all, it's seeking out the Islamic guidance, the Islamic ethical framework, the Islamic protocol in terms of rights and responsibilities after the fact. And Islam being an afterthought is endemic in the diaspora. I just need to be a little bit frank here. We got here. Wait a minute. Where are we going to pray? Juma'a? We need a masjid. The nearest masjid is nine hours away. They will build a masjid. They get a little house in the prairie and then they expand it to serve a little bit better. And then wait a minute. That took a whole generation. Our kids aren't Muslim anymore. We need Islamic schools. And then they scramble to do that. And that's on a little bit of a macro within the community. But on the individual level as well, same thing sort of happens. There isn't enough premarital education. And this is part of the contributing factor for why marriages are turbulent. There isn't much understanding of how divorce is supposed to happen. And so after the fact, you check with the shaykh just in case the shaykh can add to your case or your side some leverage. Both sides, right? When people come to me after things are ablaze and they sit down, they want me to sort of judge between them. I tell them, first of all, I'm not going to. Second of all, I got to warn you, you both of you are about to hate me right now. Because I've never seen a case that it wasn't really like 60-40, 70-30 maybe, very rarely 80-20. But both sides are coming in with preconceived notions, just coming to me for leverage, want me to side with them 110% of the time. And it is problematic to even assume, by the way, that you being one of the two disputing parties qualifies to be the judge on how it should be. It's a conflict of interest, they call it, right? So the application on this, number one, because it's an afterthought. Number two, because our religious opinions don't have an executive arm, right? Part of living as minorities.
I don't have a police force. If I were to even ask him, how much do you make? Show me the bank statements so that I can determine what's fair and unfair to both parties in terms of alimony or whatnot. He'll just call the police on me for harassment because I don't have a police force. I'm not the judicial system. And so it is the application and also the lack of literacy in general that really complicates these things. And that's an infrastructure demand for the Muslim community. We need to build these out so that people do not lose hope altogether or continue to feel like the Muslim community cannot offer me Allah's justice. As for what Allah's justice is in a moment, look, marriage is in the man's hands. ABC's Islam. Why? It makes perfect sense. Because if the marriage goes south, I'm sorry, forgive me, divorce is in the man's hands. Because if the divorce happens, ordinarily speaking, the default, he carries all the financial liability. So how could it be fair and just that I have to make the whole financial investment, right? And then the next morning someone says, no, I changed my mind. I walk out. Theoretically speaking, I'm not saying that all women are devils or all men are evil or anything like that. But just theoretically speaking, he the divorce has lots of financial responsibilities. Right. And so if the man is the one investing financially, then naturally he would have to determine whether he wants to jeopardize all of that or not. And likewise, that is why in Islam, when the woman is the one initiating divorce. Yes, that is possible. How it happens. There's a little bit of detail between the juristic schools. But, you know, in principle, a wife initiated divorce is a divorce wherein the woman now wants to initiate because she is the one willing to return the financial investment, return the Mahara, for example, the bridal dowry, the bridal gift.
Then there's a third kind of divorce where it's called tatliq, which is in a perfect world or like an Islamic polity or governance. This would be a court enforced divorce against the man's will, where he still has the financial liability. And so the options are all there. And it's very fair. If harm is provable, then the man, you know, gets the short end of the stick financially and he gets divorced, whether he likes it or not, and still has to pay the bill. If the divorce, if the harm, considerable harm is not provable, but she still cannot bear to put up with him, she can initiate a divorce. But in that case, she would return the financial gift or the financial investment that was made at the onset of the marriage. And then in the third case, which is the most common, the man, because he's the one that will carry the load of this, then the divorce would be in his hands. That's just the basic breakdown of how there are so many options, but each of them has the wisdom of equity permeating it. And I know I'm over simplifying, but time is tight. I appreciate that. Thank you, Sheikh Mohammed. I think what's key here is just maintaining a good opinion. Hasna l-dhan billahi ta'ala, always a good opinion of Allah ta'ala. You know, I was thinking as you spoke, Sheikh Mohammed, that it's not, of course, just the man and woman involved, but often there are children involved. So for Sureshazia, I was wondering, how can we best support children that are witnessing their parents' marriage dissolve and make sure they come out of that with, again, a strong sense of self and also love and affection for their parents? I think that's a really important question. And I know that we do discuss this in the support group with varying sort of experiences because you're dealing with a co-parent who you cannot control and you have to also be really careful in front of your children to speak freely in front of them. I think that maintaining that respect for the other parent is really important. So this is a tough, tough question.
I think that there's a really great book on this. It's called Legacy of Life and Divorce. And I think it follows several children from divorce at different ages and follows them for like 20 years. So it's a good book. I don't necessarily agree with all the conclusions that she came up with, but it's certainly eye opening and things to consider. I think that this would be a really good question. I can give you a more anecdotal kind of experience in talking to others and my own experience. I know that adjustment is challenging for children. And so, you know, think outside of the box when it comes to providing the children with an ease in adjusting to this. One thing that my children's father and I did was we said the house belongs to them. So we rolled our suitcases in and out during every other weekend or, you know, however your custody agreement looks like, because we wanted the kids to have some stability. We knew that they were adjusting to this emotional change, life change, and we didn't also want them to now have to adjust to like a new home as well. Now, we were fortunate we had family here. We had support so we could, you know, sleep on someone's couch. I know that's not always possible. There are so many considerations here. I think it's a difficult question to answer in a webinar. But I really just think the intention and also for parents who are worried, because I was very worried, know that inshallah your children will be OK. Make sure that you provide them as they're growing with healthy examples of, you know, what a healthy family looks like. And as a single parent, that is possible. You can have them have children. I have three boys, and they can have a healthy relationship with the masjid. They can have, you can teach them about masculinity, and there are role models that will come up for them.
And vice versa, I think that, you know, there are healthy role models, female role models that you can have, that you can show your kids. It might take some additional work, but it is possible. Thank you, Sister Shazia. I found a book. Is this the one? It's, let's see, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. And then there's also Love They Lost, The Legacy of Our Parents. Yes, I have a reading list on the website, but that is, the first one you mentioned is the one. I didn't say it entirely correctly. OK. And again, that website is lifeafterdivorce.us. Now, I will have to tell you, Sister Shazia and Sheikh Mohammed, that self-help book that I ended up tossing, I did go back and pick it up, and I read it, alhamdulillah. And then I realized that probably the mistake I made was just trying to look at a book like that. And the first few days of that loss, the grief is very raw. I was not able to process anything. And the book that I needed was the Quran, and that's the book that got me through this. So alhamdulillah. And I do have my own reading list, by the way, that I can recommend, inshallah. So I want to bring this amazing conversation to a close. And what I would like to do here, given that our respected guests here, Sheikh Mohammed and Sister Shazia, you've both experienced different forms of loss, and I wanted to, I'll go to Sheikh Mohammed. If you could go back and advise yourself during that time you were dealing with a loss, what advice would you give to yourself during that time, given what you know now? Jazakallah khair. If I can just, 30 seconds, about the previous answer that I gave. I just wanted to commend Sister Shazia for giving that example. The default in divorce, by the way, is graciousness, right?
Wa la tansawul fadla baynakum. Or that's the ideal. Wasarihuna bi ihsan. There should be ihsan, there should be fadla and graciousness whenever divorce happens, just because the question came about the nitty-gritty, right? You have to get down to the intersections of rights and where they get cut off and stuff, is why we had to discuss it that way. But that should not be, you know, the ideal. And of course, if we spoke about some of the wisdoms of why it's equitable, doesn't mean these are all the wisdoms. Allah knows best the full wisdoms of why the framework is like that. As you said, husnul thanna billah. Now back to your question, Sister Zainab. If I could go back, I think I would have to double up on what you said and say more Quran. You know, as our scholars say, and life teaches you after a while, right, that how much Quran should you be reading to the extent of the happiness that you want, right? And the more sadness you find in your life, the more you are in need of that rope that Allah extends for all of us through His book. That's certainly the first advice I would say. And the second advice is that emotions are very hard to understand, especially your own emotion, like the step out of yourself and analyze. So just give yourself time till either the Quran helps you identify, you know, what your emotions mean or, you know, a good mentor. And I'll give you the example of why I say that. When I lost my father, rahimahullah, to Parkinson's actually, this is his final illness, and then he was deteriorating after his third stroke for about three or four years. And four years, and it was a very slow process, and it was a very trying process. And after he passed, I was deeply troubled that I was not sad enough. Not that, you know, like self-flagellation, I'm trying to like, you know, harm myself or anything,
or I deserve this, but I was just like, am I happy that the burden is over type thing? You know, like, why aren't I grieving more? And this drove me up the wall until I coincidentally, you know, sat with, you know, a teacher of mine, also a dear friend who's a psychiatrist. And he said to me, that's actually extremely common, because your father's passing was not a sudden death. You already lived through the grief as he was bedridden and non-responsive. And those final stages, you've, and I recall, oh yeah, I did sit and stand at the hospital bed, crying over and over and over. I was imagining the janazah over and over and over again, right? So when it actually happened, I had already attended it so many times, right? And so just that point of, I was like tormenting myself for no reason, until Allah sent my way about two weeks later, someone that helped me understand my own emotions. So don't rush it, take your time, stay close to the Quran, and just await. It's a great ibadah to await Allah's relief. I'll share with you the hadith of Abu Razin, when he said that the Prophet ﷺ said to us, Allah smiles from the despair of his servant, or laughs from the despair of his servant, and the nearness of his relief. And so Abu Razin said, or he said that a man said, does our Lord laugh? He said, yes. Of course, in a manner befitting his majesty, but he said, yes. And then he said, لن نعدم من رب يضحك خيرا We'll never lose hope in a God that laughs. So waiting for the relief, and it is so close, is an act of worship. So don't rush yourself, don't beat yourself up about it, and just enjoy the sweetness of, you know, what this pain will inshaAllah cause to blossom, bi-idhnillah ta'ala. MashAllah, profound. Jazakumullah khaira. And Sister Shazia, you've also learned so much. And again, thank you both for sharing these very difficult personal experiences with our audience. Sister Shazia, if you could go back and give advice,
as you were dealing with that challenge, what would you advise yourself, based on what you've learned today? I would be remiss not to mention one other thing, because I know all these support group people in the support group would say, Shazia, you didn't talk about this. And that is, I've been interviewing lots of people, had the opportunity to work with hundreds of women who have experienced divorce. And I also want to take a moment to acknowledge the brothers who are going through this pain and difficulty. But if you know someone who is going through divorce, or is trying to support someone who's going through divorce, in many interviews, that qualitative research that we've done, there are four main sort of patterns that come over and over again. And the number one thing that people who have experienced divorce asked for was community. They felt very isolated and alone in the aftermath. They no longer were invited to dinners or community events. The single parents in particular mentioned that. And they asked, you know, and the people that I was interviewing, they said, don't give up on us. You might invite us, and we might not come three times. Invite us a fourth time. They also asked that you, sorry, they also asked that you read the room a little. They might want to talk, they might not want to. Some people need that, some people don't want that. But they do want company, they do want community. And to build a sincere relationship with them, maybe not make it something that's, you know, something to check off a list, but rather a long-term commitment to have this person as part of your community. That was one thing. The next thing was judgment, no judgment or shame. That once the decision's been made and you know that the person is either going through this or has gone through this, to not investigate or do damage control, trying to pry into details to determine if they made the right decision. Along with that, just no spiritual bypassing or shaming,
as Sheikh Mohammed said that some people might have lots of feelings. Some people might not share those feelings. So just allowing them to be where they are and recognize that everyone heals differently. To know that their spirituality is not under attack. I know for a lot of people, they talk about the hadith, that it's not something that Allah is, you know, it's something that Allah allows, it's permissible, but he dislikes it. And so to recognize that there's a context to that hadith, which discusses the reasons behind this, right, to not do this for a frivolous reason. And validate their decision. And if you can't validate it, accept their decision. That was another thing. Trust and confidentiality, making sure that if they come and talk to you, that there's a safe place, it's a safe space. And we have confidentiality, which means it stays between us, but then we have double confidentiality, which is it stays between us. And when I see you out in the community, I am not going to be like, hey, it was nice. That therapy session was really nice with you where we talked about your divorce, things like that. So whether you're helping a person in a professional capacity or a personal capacity, remember that that person has entrusted you with something private. And then finally, just hope for the future, reminding us that we have hope in Allah's mercy, reminding us to have hope in Allah's mercy and reminding us about our future. And so that brings me to this question, which is, you know, if I could go back, I would tell myself, you know, inshallah, one day you will thrive and you will enjoy life again, that it's hard work and it's intentional work, but that you will wake up looking forward to the day and that recognize that God is expanding you in ways that you never thought you could. You never would have without this trial and that you will grow. And you will also in this pain, taste the sweetness of faith.
There's a beautiful story that I'll end with of Imam Busiri, rahmatullahi alayh. And I believe his teacher, and I took some notes here on this, I just think it's such a beautiful story, is Abu Abbas al-Mursi. He was a teacher, Imam Busiri's teacher, Ibn Atta Allah's teacher and Yaqub al-Arsh's teacher. And prior to being his student, he used to write poetry for kings. And so he was kind of in PR where he would write these beautiful poems and people would, you know, remember them and praise that particular king. He found his way to religion and dedicated himself to that. And he made this dua and he asked his teachers to make this dua too. And he said, I want to praise Rasulullah, the likes of which now no one has ever seen. And eventually in his life, he became paralyzed. And I don't know if it was like waist down or his entire body, but he became paralyzed. And that is in that moment, in that paralysis, his physical paralysis is when he wrote the poem, praising the Prophet. And one night in his dream, he was reciting this poem to himself. And the Prophet, salallahu alayhi wasalam, came to him. And he was wearing a cloak. And of course, he covered him with that cloak. And many of you know, when he woke up, he wasn't paralyzed anymore. And he, many of us know this poem as the Burda Sharif. It's among the most well-known nasheeds and poems recited to this day. So it's just a beautiful story that inspires me that sometimes pain is so necessary to have closeness with Allah. And it's so worth it. Thank you so much, dear Shazia. MashaAllah, I really appreciate how you shared the origin story of the Burda. And to make those connections and really many thanks to you both for helping myself and our audience to understand that sometimes that kind of brokenness,
that pain is necessary so that we can actually realize that it is all about la ilaha illallah. I really appreciate you both. And Jazakumul khairah. And may Allah grant you both the best. So thank you for being here today. I benefited so much. Thank you to our audience for tuning in. And I hope to continue the conversation inshallah ta'ala. And Alhamdulillah, I think that's a wrap for today. So subhanakumul muhammadik wa ashabakumul hashadu an la ilaha illallah wa ashabakumul tawfeeq wa rasool Allah wa sallim wa rahmatullah wa barakatu. Thank you so much everybody. Jazakumul khairah.
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