Khutbahs
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Vocabulary of a Narcissist | Khutbah
What words does Allah attribute to narcissists in the Quran? What traits do those words uncover, and what do those narcissists have in common?
In this khutbah, Dr. Omar Suleiman shares a powerful reflection from Ibn Al Qayyim (RA) on avoiding these terms and the tyranny they represent.
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Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. We begin by praising Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and bearing witness that none has the right to be worshipped or unconditionally obeyed except for him. And we bear witness that Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is his final messenger. We ask Allah to send his peace and blessings upon him, the prophets and messengers that came before him, his family and companions that served alongside him, and those that follow in his blessed path until the day of judgment. And we ask Allah to make us amongst them. Allahuma ameen. Dear brothers and sisters, typically when you speak about negative traits that are found in the Qur'an about the tyrants of the past and in general when you speak about negative traits today, you're often talking about how to deal with someone else who has those traits. And so many times if you were to go into Google, for example, and search a negative trait, it's going to be how to deal with someone who has this trait. Rather than how to deal with yourself potentially developing this trait. And of course the Qur'an in its very nature calls upon us to be very, very introspective. When you read even the story of Fir'aun, instead of thinking about the pharaohs of the world as they exist today, you actually ask yourself, do I have some of the traits of Fir'aun? It's very hard for a person to actually have that conversation with themselves, but that's actually what tadabur is. That's what reflection on the Qur'an is, that you find everything. Whether Allah is talking about Bani Israel or Fir'aun, or if Allah is talking about the devil himself, are there traits that are developing within me? Are there signs of that trait? Why do I need to be that introspective? Because the Qur'an recognizes that sometimes you can have a proportion of something without it being the whole thing. And it's better for you to undercut it early on so that it does not become to your detriment, not in this life and more importantly not in the hereafter. If I have an arrogance problem, even if it's a small problem, but I'm starting to become more arrogant, more entitled,
my tongue is starting to get a little bit looser. I might not be a liar or a backbiter or a tyrant, but there is enough there that let me try to undercut that early on before anybody else even notices it. Before someone else comes up to me and says, you know, I think you're starting to have this problem, as a Muslim who wants to have the most favorable position with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, you want to identify those traits in proportion and be deeply interrogating of yourself. Not to a point that you shut yourself off, but to a point that you take necessary corrective measures. That's taskiyatun nafs. Why this whole introduction? The topic of narcissism is a very interesting one. Because as an imam, most of the time when someone asks me about the topic of narcissism, I can't recall a single time, and this is very anecdotal, but I can't recall someone coming up to me and saying, I think I might be a narcissist. Or I think I'm starting to develop narcissism. I can recall multiple times over the years, in fact, rarely a week goes by when someone says, I think my spouse is a narcissist. I think my parents are narcissists. I think my children are narcissists. And sometimes, they're at least surface level, they're right. But very few people will actually say, you know what, I think I might have a problem here that I need to actually work on. And subhanAllah, Imam al-Ghazali says very beautifully, if you learn to diagnose the spiritual ills within yourself, if you become hyper vigilant with diagnosing spiritual flaws and diseases within yourself, then you'll also necessarily become better at identifying them in others. But you would have been so humbled by the process of constantly holding yourself to those spiritual ills, that you won't write people off when you start to identify them in others. Narcissism. Go to Google right now.
Well, not now in the khutbah. If you go, how to deal with narcissism, it's going to be about someone else. As believers, we want to make sure we don't have qualities that will ultimately ruin us in the hereafter. And so I want you for this khutbah to be introspective for a bit. Now, narcissism in the technical definition is a condition in which a people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. That's the textbook definition. What does this have to do with the khutbah? Because this is not a psychiatry session. This is a tazkiyah reminder. Ibn al-Qayyim, rahimahullah, has this powerful reflection about the words that a narcissist is likely to start to utter, in which they have to interrogate themselves. Qala rahimahullah ta'ala, wal yahzhar kullal hadhru min tughyani ana walee wa'indi. He said a person should be extremely careful if they find themselves starting to utter, ana walee wa'indi, three words, he said if you start to utter them. And the problem is that sometimes they don't have an exact equivalent language-wise. It's actually not a, you know, these are not words that necessarily translate well into English. But basically if you start saying me, myself, I, I, me, you know, to me, belongs to me, this is for me, I did, I did this, I did that. If you start using I and me and my too frequently, then you need to be very, very careful. Ana is very clearly I. Lee and indi, both of them would mean to me, to me. So basically I, myself, me. He said be careful if you start to find yourself using these letters and these words too frequently.
I, myself, me, and he says, fa inna hadhi al-alfad al-thalatha, obtulia biha iblees wa fir'oon wa qaaroon. He said these three words were used by three. The devil, iblees, fir'oon, the greatest tyrant of all time, and qaaroon, who was a very proud king, also a tyrant. Both of them, of course, in the time of Musa alayhi salam. He said these three words, ana, wa lee, wa indi, I, myself, me, were the words, were the vocabulary of these three individuals. He says, as for iblees, qaala ana khayroon minhoo. Iblees said, I am better than him. I am better than him. And he said, as for fir'oon, he said, wa lee mulku misr. I possess the entire kingdom of Egypt. Wa lee, to me, belongs the entire kingdom of Egypt. And as for qaaroon, he said, innama ootituhu ala ilmin indi. He said, I earned all of this because of knowledge that I have. I got this. It was me. It was my intelligence that got me to this place that you see me. So, of course, I'm going to boast because I'm the one that made this happen. So he said, these three words are very dangerous. And he said, if a person starts to find themselves saying these words frequently in their life, then they need to go back and they need to examine if behind the vocabulary are some of the traits of these individuals. Now, let's break this down a bit, insha'Allah ta'ala, and the differences and the nuances and the subtleties in brief. Iblees, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, qaala ya iblees, maa manaka an tasjud limaa khalaqtuhu biyaday. O Iblees, what stopped you from prostrating to what I created with my own two hands? What stopped you, O Iblees?
And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, astakbarta am kunta minal aleem. This is very powerful. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is helping him to actually think a bit. What made you have this reaction that you just had? You have a moment here where you could repent, where you could think for a moment, take a step back and say, you know, this was really bad. Why didn't I obey the command of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala? Astakbarta am kunta minal aleem. There's rich tafsir here, but I'll just give a brief summary here to what some of the scholars have said. Astakbarta, was it like a moment of pride? Did you just become prideful? Did you just have like a, you know, visceral reaction, something? Sometimes we make a mistake in the beginning, right? There's an initial reaction, and it's not necessarily indicative of something that's been there for a long time. Am kunta minal aleem. Some of the scholars say, have you always been this way? Has there always been an arrogance inside of you, a pride inside of you, you know, a sense of entitlement inside of you, and now it's just finally coming to light. Now you got put to the test and it came to light. Subhanallah. Iblis could have said, astaghfirullah wa atubu ilayh. I seek your forgiveness, oh Allah. It was a moment. Maybe there's something I need to work on. I will go back. I will accept whatever the consequences are, and I'll work on this within myself. Instead, he completely deflects. Subhanallah, when you read about narcissism, and I went down that rabbit hole, deflection is the first reaction of every narcissist. They always deflect. Why? Because deflection is the opposite of responsibility. A narcissist never takes ownership. They never actually own up. They never take responsibility. They immediately deflect. Deflection is the defense mechanism. So that's when he says, ana khayru min, I'm actually better than him. khalaqtani min naar wa khalaqtahu min teen. I'm better than him. You made me from fire and you made him from dirt.
That's the deflection. It has nothing to do with the way Allah created him. Allah could have made him from gold. Allah could have made him from bronze or silver. Allah could have made him from grapes and leaves. Your problem is that he's taking a position you feel like belongs to you. Right? It's a new flavor of pride. But at the end of the day, Iblis, think about what's wrong with you for a moment and why you reacted that way. You didn't sit there and think Allah preferred me, inna Allaha istafaani ala alam al-jinn. That Allah preferred me to all of the jinn. I have a position that no jinn has ever had. I'm with the angels. What business do I have here? Instead you went to, why is he in my spot? Why is he getting all this respect? I'm better than him. He deflected. He didn't even try to answer the question from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala if it was kibir or if it was aloo, if it was a sense of pride and arrogance that he wasn't rectifying an entitlement. Because that's a spiritual disease. So Ibn al-Qayyim rahimahullah ta'ala says, when you start to say I, I, and you start to see someone as inherently less than you, for whatever the reason is, take a step back. Because the bad behavior towards them is often an indication of the way that you see them. And you wouldn't see them as lower if you didn't see yourself as higher. That's why when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says mockery, la yaskhar qawmun min qawm, asaa an yakoonu khayran minhum. Don't mock people because they might be better than you. You mock someone because you think that they've inherently fallen in value or that you have a greater value than them. So you start to mock them. They might actually be better than you. So take a step back and don't say ana frequently, I. You know, ditch the I statement. A'oozu billah min kalimat ana. I don't want to say ana, ana, ana, ana. And Ibn al-Qayyim rahimahullah ta'ala said,
instead replace it with ana al-abdul muznib, ana al-abdul muqtid, ana al-abdul mustaghfir. I am the one who sins. I am the one who seeks forgiveness. I am the one in need of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. But take away I if it's coming in the capacity of reflecting some sort of, you know, superiority in your mind. Then he looks at Fir'aun. Fir'aun is an interesting tyrant because almost every tyrant in history, you know, at least at that scale, follows somewhat of the mold of Fir'aun. Fir'aun would gather his people randomly to declare his superiority. Let me stop the workday to just tell people how awesome I am. Okay, one of the things, when Fir'aun called out to his people, qal ya qawm, he said, oh my people, alaysa li mulku masr? Don't I have the kingdom of Egypt? wa hadhihi al-anhar tajri min tahdi? You see these rivers flowing beneath my feet? afala tubusirun? Can't you see? Don't you all see what I have? How great I am? How amazing this all is? am ana khayrun min hadha allathi huwa muheen? wala yakadu yubeen? SubhanAllah, he says, don't you think I'm better than this nobody? He's talking about Musa alayhi salam. wala yakadu yubeen means, look, he can't even talk properly. The guy can't even express himself. You know, are you really going to listen to him and compare me to him? When I have all of these things, look at what I possess and look at what he possesses. He's a nobody and I am somebody. Why? Because I have mulku masr. Look at all that I own and look at the rivers flowing beneath me. That guy can't even talk. He can't even explain himself. He stutters. He looks like this. He looks like that. He's mocking Musa alayhi salam. And subhanAllah, you know, as Ibn al-Jawzi rahim Allah says in one of his tangents,
he says, Firaun was looking with pride at the anhar, the rivers beneath his feet, not realizing that one day Allah would drown him under an immediately initiated, right, sea on top of him. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala would drown him. And he was looking and said, look at these rivers beneath my feet. And so Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala put the water on top of him and drowned him in it. He said, look at me. I have, therefore I am better. So he took his sense of pride in what? In what he possessed. And then he says about Qarun, Innama oteetuhu ala ilmin indi. I have been granted all of this because of the knowledge that I have, because of my intelligence. What's the difference between the two? If you look at the words of Qarun and you look at the words of Firaun, Qarun took more pride in the process than the possession. Firaun took more pride in the possession than the process. I'm going to explain this again. Qarun took more pride in the process than the possession. Firaun took more pride in the possession than the process. What do I mean by that? Qarun is like, I've worked to get here. I did this. I earned this. Sometimes that sense of entitlement comes from the process, right? Especially someone who comes from a tough upbringing and then Allah blesses them. Allah bestows his fadl upon them and they get out of a tough, a tough setting. Your parents come from a country. You come from a country. You know, your parents come from a neighborhood. You come from a neighborhood. There are certain means and now you have those means. And you can start to fool yourself into thinking that you did something right and they did something wrong. It happens all the time. So Qarun's arrogance, his self-importance here comes from what? I earned this. Dear brother or sister, when you see people under floods in Pakistan or Afghanistan or Bangladesh or bombs in Yemen and Palestine
or people that are struggling to make ends meet a few miles away from you, don't you dare think for a moment you're here because you deserve it and they're there because they deserve it. Don't you dare think for a moment. It could have easily been that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala switched you out. But a person could start to think what? Come on, I went to school. I earned. I worked this much. I did this much. All of that was just a test of Allah upon you. All of it. Allah is testing them differently than he's testing you. But it's at the end of the day, it's a test. It's a test. You didn't get there because of your own courage, your own intelligence. And even if Allah gave you some quality of intelligence and some quality of courage and a work ethic, that's Allah's gift upon you. You didn't earn that yourself. So Ibn al-Qayyim rahimullah is saying take a step back. And if you start to find yourself inflating your self-importance either because of the way that you're made or because of what you have or because of how you think you got there, take your step back. Humble yourself to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Say alhamdulillah. I am nothing without Allah. Literally don't exist without Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And every other person who's sharing in this human test and enterprise with me, whether they're close family or they're someone else, is another abdu of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala that has rights upon me for which Allah will ask me. Take a step back and deflate the self-importance and ask yourself, why do I use these words? Why is it always I, me? When you get into an argument, you immediately go to your rights, what the other person owes you and how you got there and this and this and this and that. Take a step back. What am I not seeing about the other person? And when it comes to the narcissist, every other person becomes a tool or a threat in their constant battle. And so every person and relationship is disposable. What do I mean by that?
The narcissist and their inflated sense of importance really loses a sense of empathy and care for anyone else because at the end of the day, your story is the only story that exists in your mind. And anyone who's in your story is either a tool or a threat. You know, I said this before. I'm not Firaun's therapist. I don't know if Firaun really enjoyed killing kids or if he really enjoyed killing his wife, the way that he killed his wife. Some people get sick and they do that type of stuff. Or Firaun just saw people as tools or threats. This is my story. I am here. I belong on this throne. Therefore, everybody, everybody is either a tool or a threat. And so you're all disposable at the end of the day. That's why a person of nafs, of ego, we talk about Abdullah ibn Ubaid bin Sarul, the chief hypocrite in Medina, is willing to burn down the entire city of Medina. Why? Because I'm supposed to be the king. This is my city. Right? Now, obviously, it's hard for us to think about, you know, ourselves as Firaun and Abdullah ibn Ubaid bin Sarul. But to at least think, you know, when things, when I see people, am I only thinking about my story or do other people have stories too around me? Perhaps I can be a beneficial part to their story. Perhaps it's not just me that's owed something, but maybe I owe other people too for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Deflate your sense of importance. Bring it down and think through the other person's lens as well. Not just your own. Every single time. Even if you're not a pharaoh. Don't go home and say that I learned that I'm Firaun today. Don't, you know, or I'm Iblis. No, no, no. These qualities are replaced by the qualities of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam. And in the story of Firaun, the quality of Musa alayhi wasalam, the quality of these prophets that were facing these types of things. The last thing, dear brothers and sisters, what's the difference between us as Muslims when we look at this through the lens of Islam versus, you know, you could have just googled how to not be a narcissist.
The difference is that every single relationship that we have in this world, we see it through our relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Every single existence that exists in parallel with us, we see it through our ultimate existence as a slave of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And so what that means is three things. Allah created me, therefore my value is only three. To the extent that He sees me. Allah created me. It doesn't matter what I look like, what I physically possess. Allah created me, therefore my value is only to the extent that He sees me. How Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala sees me. That's number one. Number two, Allah gave me what I possess. Therefore, those possessions are only blessings to the extent of how I attribute them to Him or use them in ways that are pleasing to Him. Otherwise, my possessions are a curse. Allah gave them to me. Allah is the source of all those possessions. Number three, I am only a steward of what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala commissioned me to. I don't own anything, even myself. Again, I steward what Allah commissioned me to. I don't own anything, even my own self. I don't own my body. I don't own my house. I don't own anybody or anything. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given me responsibilities. And that's how I see myself to that world around me. And that will make you both grateful and graceful. Grateful to Allah and graceful with the people when you're able to deflate that and humble yourself constantly attributing it back to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and being Allah-centered instead of self-centered. We ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to protect us from thinking too highly of ourselves and forgetting where we are with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. We ask Allah to humble us, not that we start to hate ourselves, but that we start to use ourselves and beautify ourselves to be most pleasing to Him.
We ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to make us the best of His ibad, the best of His servants, and to make us the best of His khulafa, the best of those who He has entrusted with whatever it is He has entrusted them with. اللهم اغفر المؤمنين والمؤمنات والمسلمين والمسلمات الأحياء منهم والأمات أقول قولي هذا واستغفر الله لذاكم ورسالة المسلمين فاستغفروه إنه الغفور الرحيم الحمد لله الصلاة والسلام على رسول الله وعلى آله وصحبه ومن ولا ربنا لا تؤخذنا إن نسينا أو أخطأنا ربنا ولا تحمل علينا إسرا كما حملته على الذين من قبلنا ربنا ولا تحملنا ما لا طاقة لنا به واعفوا عنا واغفر لنا وارحمنا أنت مولانا فانصرنا على القوم الكافرين وأقيم الصلاة
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