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How to Raise Muslim Children | Webinar
In this day and age, raising pious Muslim children feels like a daunting task. We’re living in a world that is drowning us in un-Islamic ideas and values, from cartoons and movies, to teachers and classmates.
Join Sh. Ibrahim Hindy, Sh. Mohammad Elshinawy, and Dr. Arfeen Malick as they share some ways to best protect our children in this world and prepare them for the hereafter.
Check out our blog post: "5 Ways to Raise Practicing Muslim Children"
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Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. Raising Muslim children. In this day and age, as many of us know, raising pious Muslim children feels like a very daunting task. We're living in a world that is often seems like it's drowning in un-Islamic values or un-Islamic ideals. And it seems to permeate every aspect of our lives from the cartoons that our children are watching, or the movies that are, you know, portrayed to their teachers or their classmates. And so we're, you know, here together with some great panelists to discuss what are the best ways that we can protect our children and prepare them for the hereafter and how we can be effective as parents where we can feel like we did our job. We did what we need to do in order to ensure that in front of Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala, we've done what is our obligation. So we have two great panelists with us today and I'll introduce both of them. We have Dr. Arfeen Malik, who is an assistant professor at the University of Toronto and the mental health director at the Muslim Medical Association of Canada. She specializes in adult, child and adolescent psychiatry and completed her general psychiatry and child and adolescent psychiatry subspecialty training at the University of Toronto. She also has completed her master's of science in clinical nutrition at Columbia University. Dr. Malik works at the Hospital for Sick Children. She provides psychiatric consultation through Telelink and ICHA for Indigenous, Black and Muslim youth and families. She provides regular consultation to Khalil Centre, a Muslim mental health centre in Toronto. Her main clinical and research work focuses on supporting the mental health needs of medically ill, underserved and racialized populations, in addition to providing culturally and spiritually adapted care, including psychotherapy. She is involved in undergraduate, resident and subspecialty education, along with continuing professional development as the Sick Kids Consultation Liaison,
a psychiatry education lead and the founder and chair of the Canadian Muslim Mental Health Conference. JazakAllah khair for joining us, doctor. We also have Sheikh Mohammed Al-Shannawi, who's not a stranger to any of you. He is the associate director of systematic theology here at Yaqeen Institute. He is a graduate of English literature at Brooklyn College, New York City, and he studied at the College of Hadith at the Islamic University of Medina, and is a graduate and instructor of Islamic studies at Mishgah University, and has translated major works for the International Islamic Publishing House, the Assembly of Muslim Jurists of America and Mishgah University. JazakAllah khair both of you for joining us and lending us, inshAllah, some of your expertise and knowledge. So we have a bunch of questions and over this week on Instagram, we've been asking people questions about parenting. So there's a lot of questions and what I figure is I'll ask each of you a question and we'll kind of jump in and have the informal conversation inshAllah. So Dr. Rafiq, I'll ask you this question because this is a question that comes up so often and parents sometimes they feel like they're pulling their hair out because they have trouble with this. You know, they ask, my children don't take my advice. What can I do to get them to listen? And I think this is a very universal problem that every parent struggles with to some extent or another. And, you know, just with your experience, you know, especially your knowledge in psychiatry, how would you advise parents when they feel like their children just aren't listening to them? JazakAllah khair, I'm Imam Hindi for the introduction. JazakAllah khair for inviting me today as well. You know, it's a really good question. That's a question that comes up a lot. And it's interesting the way that question is phrased about, you know, how do I have my kids to listen to me? I think one of the most important actually pieces of advice that I give is the opposite. And it's about how parents can listen to their children.
And I find that that fostering of the relationship is often kind of a missing piece. I think as parents, a lot of what we want to do is share our life experience, share what we've been through because we really want to protect our kids. We want to make sure they don't, you know, run the same hurdles that we ran. And for us, we have so much knowledge that we want to give them. And I often find that children actually, they just want parents to listen. They want them to hear their perspective. We talk a lot about validation. And that really just means listening to your kids and making them feel heard. And in turn, they're more likely to actually listen and hear your perspective as well, if they feel respected and feel like you've heard perspective. And another piece is just around mentalizing. So I'm sure you guys have heard the word mentalizing. Really just means being able to understand and appreciate someone else's feelings in a situation. For parents, that's a really important tool. Because if you want your child to kind of hear the advice that you're giving, you kind of have to really understand the place your kid is at. And I often find that's kind of missing in that question. What does your kid actually need in that moment? What is the advice that they're seeking? Are they seeking advice right now? And how are they feeling in that conversation with you? Absolutely. That's a great answer. It actually reminds me of something. I remember doing a da'wah workshop once. And the Shaykh was talking about how the Prophet ﷺ when he was giving da'wah to non-Muslims, so many different hadith of this where he would let the person talk and he would listen to them. And then he would say, are you finished? Is there anything else you want to say?
Until like the person he's talking with said everything they want to say, then the Prophet would respond. And it's like if we're trying to talk to our kids, or you're talking to anybody, even if you're giving da'wah to someone, talking to them about Islam, talking to anyone, but you're not listening to them, then whatever you say, they're not listening to you. They're thinking about that thing in their mind that they haven't gotten off their chest, right? What do you think, Sheikh Muhammad? How would you answer that question about taking advice and feeling like our kids aren't listening? Does this sound working? Yeah. Jazakallah khair. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. I mean, there are so many angles to take this, and I'm not the trained professional Dr. Artheen is. But yeah, our Prophet ﷺ taught us everything we need to know. And some of us are better at analyzing his life and leveraging it for the child rearing, child development project. But I guess like kids aren't very different from adults in many respects. And people in general, they don't come by snatching, as they say, right? They're like seatbelts. You snag, they resist. And sometimes being told too many things comes off as a snag, you know, like a usurpation of usurping their autonomy, their sense of individualism, their sense of self-worth. And so sometimes one of the best ways to get them to hear your advice is rather to show it to them, not to say it to them. Like we're excellent observers, especially as kids, right? That sponge that's soaking up their kids for sure. I mean, there's a difference. They're more malleable. And so to keep in mind that they're excellent observers. I don't want to say horrible listeners, but relatively speaking, they're way better observers than they are listeners. Right. And so us walking the talk is a huge part of that.
Opening up and sharing with them ourself, our vulnerabilities and otherwise, telling them how our day is going to find out what how their day is going. That that's a part of it. But also, you know, them seeing from us. And this, SubhanAllah, has so many consequences in terms of the faith as well, that, you know, we want to tell them to take Islam seriously, for instance. But, you know, our words are saying, take Islam seriously. It's such a treasure, so valuable. But our actions are saying, don't listen, don't listen. If it was really valuable, I would have lived up to it myself. And that's one part of it. You know, let them see your advice more than they hear it. And then the second aspect, I would say very quickly, just reminded me when you made that reference to the incident with Uthman Rabia, when he kept sort of saying very difficult things, very like accusatory things with the Prophet ﷺ. He just let him speak, speak, speak. He wasn't even speaking in his mind. He was like even attacking. There was some tension in the air and he just let him finish, right? And then the Prophet ﷺ did not react. He actually addressed a completely different subject. Like he said, are you done with Abu al-Walid? Using like an honorific, Abu al-Walid, father of al-Walid. You know, it's even respectful at the guy who just accused him of having ulterior motives. And then he said, yes. He said, okay, now hear me out. And he completely pivoted away from the subject. He was not confrontational. And I think low stress atmospheres make it, you know, more likely for our children to listen. You know, there's that hadith that is not exactly traceable to the Prophet ﷺ, where he tells them, you know, the more you chase that camel, the more the camel is going to accelerate in the wrong direction, right? Give the, you know, give the camel a reason to not feel worried to be around you, right? Give them incentive. And so part of that is removing the stress, not being reactionary, not blowing up, but also just not being critical, even if you're going to do it in a low voice, but just a lot of it, you know,
teaches them to close their ears. And that's why, you know, a golden principle I always try to share with everyone is that our kids are far more in need, and humans in general, of building in their lives what's absent, not constantly, you know, reacting and trying to deconstruct what's already present. Like, this is not your role model. No, just show them who their role model is, right? This is not the way you play. No, just tell them, go play over there, right? Yes, it knows for the socio-emotional element, and for the sake of easing a path for the advice to sort of make its way into their personalities and childhood long term. Just, yeah, two quick things that I think were important, you know, not to speak as much as you exhibit what you want to see imparted into your children. And the other one is the, you know, the warmth and the stress, stress-freeness of the atmosphere by and large, I think are huge factors that remove the defense mechanism and the resistance to advice. And Allah knows best. Absolutely. As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh. And I think, you know, of the, there's a few, you know, points of evidence there, but there's a, you know, the dua mentioned in the Quran, an-aamala sarihan tarrada wa aslihri fi dhurriyati. Right? And the sequence there is quite important. Like, allow me, O Allah, to do good deeds that you will be pleased with and make my children righteous, right? And like you said, they're going to observe what we do. So allow me to do good deeds, you know, before he asks to make my children righteous because when I do good deeds, my children are going to observe it. They're more likely to become righteous. And so that ordering of that dua is, you know, there's a lot of wisdom in that. And just like you said, they're going to be listening to us, observing us more than they're going to be listening to us, or listening to us with their eyes, I guess, more than with their ears. Another question that I think is quite important, a question of my kids lack confidence and they are easily influenced by their friends. So how can I keep them on the faith?
And this is a big question. Maybe Sheikh Muhammad, you can start us off. Yeah, so I think it's really helpful to say that you can't keep them on the faith. It's not your job, nor within your power or capacity. And that makes any sort of sensible Muslim parent panic. And a healthy, productive channeling of that panic is actually very good for you. Because, you know, accessing the treasure of reliance on Allah only comes at the back end of realizing your inability, right? And your lack of resource. And so deferring to Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala upon that panic, you know, the incidence of panic or concern. I mean, like people think like, do I trust Allah if I'm always concerned? Because there's extremes, right? You know, I just need to trust Allah. Well, that doesn't mean you're not worried, right? The worry is actually what's going to get you to really trust Allah. And so there's people that try too hard and they think it's all up to them to make their kids Muslim. And it could have adverse reactions. And there are others who just supposedly just trust Allah. And that also can have adverse reactions. And so you parents, part of their job is to worry. It's fine, parents. It's OK. Ibn al-Qayyim actually, he has this interesting statement that he said some of the early Muslims said, there are certain sins that will never be forgiven except by way of anxieties and worries and concerns about our kids. And sort of the evidence for that may be too roundabout or long-winded for me to explain. But if I can try to summarize it quickly, you know, whatever you sincerely repent for, you're forgiven. And there's things that you don't want to repent for, forgot to repent for. You just need forgiveness for. So one of the ways to get that sort of flushed out and polished away and stuff is through calamities.
And the greater the calamity, the greater the forgiveness potency it has. And so he's saying because parents, you know, it's such a difficulty on them, the worry they go to sleep with for their kids that has the potential to get rid of some of our greatest sins. So just think of it in a positive way. It's a chance for forgiveness. It's a chance for us to put our reliance on Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala. And that's why all the du'as of the Quran, you know, all these prophets and messengers, they're making du'a to Allah to protect their kids. And so no one can anchor their faith, make them proud, confident, strong, stable in their Islam, Muslims, without Allah Azza wa Jal because they don't even own their own hearts. Forget you can't, they can't either. Only Allah makes Muslims Muslim. So, you know, I'll hand off to Dr. Arfeen on maybe some tangibles for this as well. But let's start there. Do not overlook that. Maybe one of the reasons you can't influence your kids the way you wish you could is because you think you can do more than you actually can, right? There's a slippage of the tawakkul. It's like, you know, I need to do it. It's mine to own. No, no, no. This is Allah's to own. No might or power except with Him ultimately, Subhanahu wa ta'ala. JazakAllah khair. I mean, I think there's so much wisdom in what you just shared. I think just to, you know, to kind of feed off of some of that, it was really around, for me, what really struck me was around intention-setting as parents. I find that the intention-setting as parents is sometimes, you know, something that we don't talk a lot about. And I love that example that you kind of gave about setting realistic boundaries and realistic kind of limits to your power and to how much control you actually have. But, you know, each of our actions are judged by our intentions. Our intention that we have to raise our children in a righteous manner,
that is what inshallah, subhanahu wa ta'ala is going to reward us on, not the actual outcome, right? So, you know, at the end of the day, you know, each of us have probably seen children who, you know, may have ended up in a different manner, right? And the parents' intentions with everything that they're doing was pure. It was really for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala's pleasure. And I think it really comes back to that, you know, even when I, you know, talk to parents who want their children to be hafidh al-Quran and they want their children to memorize and the intention may be actually lacking there as well. Was the intention for the pleasure of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala or was the intention for recognition or for some kind of internal desire? You know, purifying our intention when we're making these kind of decisions with our children, I think is really important. And just reflecting on our intentions as parents, inshallah, will increase the barakah of any effort that we make. You know, I think along with that question about confidence and peers basically influencing kids, I mean, peers influence us as adults as well. Our company influences us. The Prophet ﷺ's company influenced him. Having sahaba around was a really important part of the Prophet ﷺ's life. Having positive friends and, you know, positive environments is really important. And I think realistically in North America, we do need to recognize the strong impact social media, peers, school, lots of these things have on our children. And I find a lot of the time that there's a little bit of a disconnect for parents in just appreciating how intense that is, how intense that can be for a child who's Muslim to be going to a non-Muslim school
and all of the difficulties they navigate through on a daily basis. And that's why it really comes back to me to just understanding your child's experience and that requires a good relationship, trust, openness and communication to just understand what is your day-to-day, what are your peers saying, what are some of the things you're exposed to. And I find those kind of conversations can be really enlightening for parents to kind of get better appreciation for what kids are seeing at Islamic schools and non-Islamic schools. I see the exposures being in lots of different areas, but it's just really good to know what the environment really looks like. The last thing I'll say is just confidence is an interesting thing. Confidence for most of us stems from actually very good, strong attachment, right, with our parents, good relational attachment, but also the knowledge that Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala is there with you and really actually cultivating that love and that relationship for Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala. And so I think if that's kind of not cultivated, if it's more about rules and know, and you know, there's lots of limits, but as Sheikh was mentioning, there's not a lot of positive redirection. So what can I do rather than what can I not do? That emphasis can sometimes really be lacking. And so just thinking about ways in which we can start to, you know, really tell our children about positive things that they can be doing, praising them and validating them when they do things that are positive. And then, you know, again, just coming back to that relationship building. Yeah, Sheikh Ibrahim, if I, Dr. Arfeen reminded me, you know, like one of my favorite framings basically on how to build out faith in people
is that whole three-pronged sort of classification. Social scientists or sociologists, they often mention, why do people ascribe to any faith, even if that faith is I love Chinese food or something? Like, why do you believe in something, right? And it is like the most common, the base is faith by association, right? Then there's faith by persuasion, faith by, you know, experience, your experiential faith where you own it. But faith by association may not necessarily be the most powerful, but it is the most pervasive. Thank you. And so we have to figure out, you know, very honest and, you know, serious ways to make sure our kids want to associate with us, right? That's number one. They want to associate most importantly with Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala, right? He does not be, you know, in the concept of the God image studies that psychologists or religious psychologists talk about these days. And Yaqeen, inshallah, has some papers in the pipeline about how do you perceive God? Do you want to associate with him? How do you see him? Do you see him as indifferent, but non-caring, punisher, not one of his names, by the way, right? The police officer, enforcer image, that's how you perceive him, experience Allah. You don't want to associate with that as opposed to someone you flee to, someone who you love above all, Subhanahu wa ta'ala, someone whose mercy exceeds his wrath. So faith by association has so many applications. You need to want to associate with family because that's your line to Islam. You want to associate first and foremost with Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala because that is what Islam is all about, right? You want to also associate with Muslims. I mean, if we don't have a space to sort of take a break from the challenge of navigating, as Dr. Arfeen mentioned, the burden of being a misfit in society, you got to mitigate that a little bit. I think it's a little bit naive of us to think that we're going to associate with people that don't share our belief systems or our value systems or our moral systems. And that's not going to rub off on us. That's like throwing our kids in the ocean and saying, your job is not to get wet.
That's unfair and that's gullible of us to think it's going to work. And so the number one reason for you to ascribe to a faith is association, sociologically speaking. And so figure out everything that will associate them with the faith and incentivize that for them, make it a positive experience for them. That's extremely important. Yeah, Subhanallah. You know, the question, I think, kind of brings up like a bunch of really important points, which is one is confidence and the other is the impact of friends and then the other is, you know, keeping them on faith. You know, and Subhanallah, just like you mentioned, Sheikh Shinawi, I thought immediately of that paper that's going to come out soon by Dr. Omarji and Dr. Hassan Alwan, where they talk about the God image. And just like Dr. Arfeen kind of mentioned, is that like the knowledge that Allah is with you is really powerful and building confidence. And they actually, you know, when they did this study, you know, they talked about how people think about Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala as a police officer, right, as someone who's going to punish. And, you know, there are people who also see that Allah is merciful, but they said what's missing often is ma'iyya, is like that God is with them, that God is the guardian, right, that he arranges our affairs. So it's not necessarily that they don't know that God's merciful, but it's that part that's missing, right? Yeah, that part of just knowing that Allah is with you, he's worthy of our trust, that we should trust him, that he takes care of all the affairs. And that tends to be missing from a lot of people and causes their understanding of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to be skewed. Yeah, complimenting them is so important. I think we don't do that enough. Sometimes we've been raised in a way that like, you got to be tough, you're not gonna get any compliments and things like that, but it can hurt their confidence in the long run. One thing that I've seen as well is, you know, be with your child, like see what they're good at, and encourage them to do it. Because when they're proficient at something, it increases their confidence. So if they're good at writing, you know, encourage them to write.
And the more proficient they get at it, the better they get at it. They get involved in contests, writing contests, you know, that makes them feel more confident. If they're good at sports, encourage them to be good at sports and put them in different sports leagues. And as they accomplish things, they feel good about themselves, they feel more confident. And that confidence is really important when they're around different peers and different classmates who think differently. If we want them to stand their ground, if we want them to be able to hold their beliefs and say, you know, just because you guys believe something different doesn't mean I'm going to, you know, abandon my beliefs and take on yours. That confidence is something we have to work on with them from a very, very young age. You know, SubhanAllah, Shaykh Ibrahim, like, without ranting, I am a sort of, I have my reservations, of course, and the absolutes are always bad, right? To only praise, for example, a girl for her beauty, right? But if a girl was never praised as a little girl for being beautiful, you know, it makes it that much harder for her not to seek validation regarding her beauty. And now that hits a crossroad with hijab at a certain age, right? Likewise, if their strengths are not amplified, like you said, through whatever they're good at, right, they feel competent, they're going to be that much more thirsty later on to be validated by their peers somehow, some way, right? And I never thought like martial arts, like art, like this, that and the third could actually build that sense of self-esteem. I even noticed in the spiritual realm, even between a person and Allah, not even peers, that people think that they're unworthy of even Allah's forgiveness. Allah's not going to forgive me. I'm like, where'd you get that from? You didn't get it from the Quran. They got it from their self-image that I believe I'm unworthy of Allah, SubhanAllah, to forgive me, right? And my mistakes have to define me. And so that last point, this is the last point I'll make, because I sort of took the steering wheel from you.
I'm sorry, is giving them room to make mistakes, not just amplifying their strengths, but downplaying their mistakes. You know, one of the most beautiful stories from the Prophet's life is that Usama ibn Zayd, when he was, you know, in that battle and this man had slain so many Muslims, then they chase him down and he falls, falls and says, la ilaha illallah. And so Usama's like, what do you think, I'm a fool? And he killed him, right? And the Prophet, alayhis salatu was salam, you know, hears about this, they get back to Medina. Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wasallam showed him, you know, that he was extremely upset at him. Like this is like Usama ibn Zayd, the beloved son of the beloved, and this is already the ocean of mercy, the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wasallam. But he wanted him to own his mistake, right? He didn't see it in his best interest to downplay it immediately. So we're saying, yes, part of their confidence is actually for them to feel a sense of responsibility that you're going to, you know, it's your accomplishment, but it's also your failure. That's a big part of it. And we need to flesh that out maybe at a later time. But the thing is, even though he kept telling him, you know, seek forgiveness from me, Rasulullah, and he just kept telling him, how do you kill him after he said la ilaha illallah? What are you gonna say on the Day of Judgment? You know, with la ilaha illallah on the opposite side of you, what are you going to do with his statement? He kept pressing him so that he fully owned it. But he didn't allow him or society to see him as his mistake. He allowed him to grow past the mistake. And the proof of that is that we know that at 17 years old, the very last army authorized by the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam before his death was called the Army of Usama, right? And so amplifying their strengths and also, yes, they're going to own their mistake, because that's how you have confidence in your accomplishment that you actually made the decision, sink or swim. But never allow them, be there by their side, even when they make the mistake, allow them some, you know, calculated sabotages and allow them to outgrow them, to not be defined by them. That's part of the confidence sort of pursuit as well.
So another question that I think is quite common as well, and I think the basis of this question is really the idea of how do we protect our kids versus how do we overprotect them or shelter them? And what's that line? So this comes up when parents are thinking about, well, do I give my children access to social media or do I give them access to a cell phone or things like that? Where on the one hand, we want to protect them from a lot of evil things that are on these devices or on these social media platforms. And we know with certainty that young girls, for instance, who go on Instagram are more likely to have suicide ideation and severe mental health issues than girls who don't go on Instagram. So there's a lot of data there that shows us that we're valid to have that fear of them going on these platforms. But then you worry that when they reach the age of 17, 18 and they're going to get access to these things that they're going to fall off the deep end because they weren't trained or had any access to these things whatsoever. So when they enter, they're just going to engorge themselves, I guess, is kind of the idea. So how do we give balance as parents? How do we make sure that they're able to interact with this changing world that's around them, but at the same time, we're protecting them from a lot of the evil things that happen to exist on some of these platforms? And it's not just about social media or cell phones, but just in general, how do we strike a balance between protecting and oversheltering? Maybe Dr. Afin, you can start us off on this one. All you.
That's so fair. You know, I think for me, the really important concept there is, you know, it's not about the access you mentioned, Imam, it's kind of a much bigger question. It's going to be lots of different things they encounter. Social media today, it's alcohol, the next it's marijuana, the next it's pornography. It's going to be many things that they encounter and a lot of it is developing and allowing your child to really develop the critical thinking skills that they need to navigate those situations. So, oftentimes, you know, it's a fear driven response that we have as parents. We're not as humble as I mentioned, we, you know, comes out of this intuition, we want to protect, we want to protect. And in doing that, though, we don't allow our child to actually learn the skills to navigate. And so, you know, in terms of parenting styles, the research would show that authoritative parenting styles. So, authoritative parenting style being the ones where you have a high level of, you know, warmth and compassion and responsiveness, paired with a high level of control and demanding. So, meaning you have high expectations of your child, it's paired with warmth and a nurturing approach. That is usually the best kind of parenting style. And one of the reasons for that is because it does strike that balance between understanding that, okay, there's some data that's come out around TikTok and girls. Does that necessarily mean my child, though? Does that necessarily all of a sudden mean my child's on TikTok and they are self harming? No. We have lots of kids who actually use TikTok and social media in really positive ways.
We've seen, you know, really great things come about from positive influencers, you know, hijab wearing girls who really positively influence other hijab wearing girls and non hijab wearing girls. We see lots of good messages. The Akeen Institute kind of pops up on different platforms on social media. You actually can use social media in ways that are adaptive and ways that are positive and ways that really strengthen the faith. And yet we need to allow our kids to learn the tools to navigate that as well. And that means that they have to come to you and be able to discuss like, you know what, I saw this video about someone on TikTok that was actually really distressing to me. Just, you know, a few days ago, I talked with the family. I do consults with, you know, Muslim children and the child let me know that actually, you know, she was exposed to some content on the Internet. And it was only because she had this warm, nurturing relationship with mom that she could go to mom and say, actually, that's what I saw. And it was really distressing to me. And mom got her the help that she needed in that moment to be able to navigate through that. If you have a child who's so scared that they've seen this content on the Internet because, you know, they're worried that, oh, my God, now mom's gonna mom and dad are just gonna say that you can't have the cell phone anymore. Or you can't have social media, haven't really taught them much of anything. It's much better to kind of walk that path with them and give them some of the tools to think through how they can navigate those situations. The other thing I just wanted to kind of say is that sometimes we react in the moment to our own distress about, you know, about some of these things.
But it's not about actually our child, it's more about something you've heard and you've seen. And we need to process that too as parents. But sometimes we're not reacting to what our child is doing, but we're reacting to, oh, I remember when I was in high school, I was exposed to this thing and it could have gone really wrong or it did go really wrong. And it could have gone really wrong for someone else. And our mind goes in lots of different directions. And we need to think about that. We need to really think about whether we're reacting right now to this moment or to, you know, 10 moments in the past. There's lots more that I can kind of say about that. I will say that screen time is not just a child thing. Parents also, as Shaykh mentioned, are modeling, right? So you're modeling your use of Facebook and your use of Instagram and your use of devices. Your modeling really influences the way your children are going to be navigating and using these devices, how long they spend on them, and the attention that they give to them. Shaykh Mohamed, do you have two cents you can throw in on this one? I only have angry rants. Ranting is what I mean, actually. I mean, social media just has like a placeholder, right? It varies, like Dr. Rafina is mentioning so much, right? It varies based on, you know, the age of the child. It varies based on how self-regulated that child is. And I think a smart parent will constantly shake off the fixed mindset, always be ready to grow for the next moment, the next phase. You know, how much of this is their nature, how much of this still needs my nurture? Because like I gave the steering wheel analogy, you need to realize your responsibility as a parent to create that environment for them, right?
You have to hold the steering wheel, but then you also have to hand off the steering wheel eventually. And so you can't just take your hands off. You got to like realize when to loosen, loosen, get their hands on it, right? Let go. And so if I were to summarize this, I think parents, us parents, may Allah not test me with my words, right? Us parents, we need to realize our responsibility towards driving this sort of this parenting mission in two respects. One respect is realize your responsibility to set them on a certain trajectory, right? And that's basically through what you emphasize. We already said more positivity than negativity, but also in terms of what you're teaching them. Teach your children, accustom them to certain things, right? Like if all of society is going to say that there's nothing wrong with these lyrics, for example, or there's nothing wrong with these images, for example, you need to sort of be in a crafty way, but a reason for them to remain conflicted about it. Like if you take teenage boys to a beach in the summertime, a crowded beach, right? You are reinforcing what all society is saying, which is that shamelessness is totally fine. And we're pushing its normalization, right? So these sorts of things, you have to have a responsibility because what we emphasize actually works. We know this. We emphasized careers and Muslim minorities in North America are disproportionately successful, immigrant populations in general, because they have like, you know, a chip on their shoulder. And so we emphasize careers. And so where we are, 8% of the population, we're 14% of the doctors, right? Depending on what we're talking about. So when we emphasize that, because we felt responsible to set them on that trajectory, career success, they were successful in their career paths by and large, right? Likewise, if we feel responsible to set them in a certain, you know, direction that saves their profile in front of Allah Azza wa Jal and gives them the best world in the next, it'll work.
Like that's the whole problem with the just make dua issue. Like what are you talking about? Allah gave you dua. It's your greatest asset, but he also gave you tools, right? And how to rear the child in the best way. And then the second part is your part of your responsibility is handing off responsibility. You know, when the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said, Oh, Fatima, save yourself from the fire for even me, right? I cannot avail you anything in front of Allah Azza wa Jal. You know, they will not step up if they constantly feel like you're there to grab them. They're there to, you know, pick up the slack. And that is one of the dangers of over parenting. It's not just the parent will burn out for their own sake, but it actually doesn't have the most desirable outcome for the child either. And so building in them this sense of responsibility for their decisions requires some planning. So you're responsible to create the right environment and teach them and educate them and accustom them and make easy for them. You know, this commitment that is Islam. And at the same time, you're responsible to teach them a sense of responsibility, which is by not helicoptering and sort of blurring the lines between healthy, authoritative parenting versus like authoritarian. You know, I hold the strings of it all. Then that case, they sort of rebel the first chance they can. I actually don't really entertain much the question of like, should we get them a custom technology and all that stuff? Because that's what your prompt was. Just so you don't think I'm ignoring your question, because I don't think we can. Like people talk about like, should we ride the tiger of modernity or should we try to hide from it? That's actually not a question. Because can you really hide from it? Like tigers are professional hunters. You know, like my kids don't have social media, but they know what's happening on social media. They know everything that's happening right through secondhand smoke or secondhand consumption.
Right. They threw everyone around them. They know. And so my job is to sort of keep as much control as I can for as long as I have control of the valves and pray and hope that by the time they're sort of stepping out of my shadow, they feel conflicted enough to pick the right decision. That's the idea, because they will continue to be challenged on it, continue to sort of have to make that negotiation in society, whether I'm alive or I'm dead, whether they're here or abroad. Right. I just need to prepare for that day. May Allah protect our kids and yours. I mean, Dr. Rafiq, you have something to add? Yeah, I was just going to say, I mean, it's just, you know, thinking through the developmental stages, too, when you think of your child is really important, as you mentioned, you know, the children who are younger and sometimes I see there being no limits. We really have to recognize that there's a difference in maturity that happens in a child's brain as they're advancing to adolescence and then adulthood. And some of that is really important to recognize in terms of their level of impulse control and some of the things that they might be seeking. And so, you know, I think that's important to know a difference. And I think that in all stages, there is different levels of parental control and limit setting that is really needed. And also just that, you know, limit setting. I always say this, you know, it's important to set limits for technology, curfews, things that are realistic, but the child should know about it ahead of time. And so, you know, when we're talking about trust with a child and enhancing this parent relationship, we shouldn't be like snooping without them knowing and they should know very well that their parents have monitoring software and that they are going to be monitoring what they're looking at on their computer.
If you snoop, you really decrease that trust in the relationship and they will most likely start hiding more and more, you know, from you. And so, you know, the other piece is just the question you asked a month ago is really about kind of this balance between adolescents who are seeking more and more control and autonomy and parents who are really seeking their adolescents to seem more responsible. And so, you know, there's a balance between really a child demonstrating responsibility, and then you giving them more control accordingly. So once they demonstrate that they can actually be responsible, that means putting them in scenarios where they do have to make judgment calls, and then you give them a little bit more control. So it's really a teeter-totter kind of process of balancing. When you put too much responsibility on a child, they can feel overwhelmed. And if you have too much control over things as well, they'll kind of feel that way. So really, if you want your child to act more responsible and more adult-like, you do need to start treating them like an adult and increase their control slowly to see how they navigate things as well. That's a great point. Even Islamically, we have, you know, we talk about like bulugh, which is arriving at puberty, but then there's also rushd, which is like mental maturity. So there's a difference between the two of them. And for instance, Allah tells us in the Quran that when the orphan arrives at rushd, you give them, you know, their inheritance. The scholars talk about this issue and they say, you know, how do we know that the child is mentally mature, that they've arrived at this point? And the scholars will say you give them tasks. You tell them, you know, go purchase something from the market. Did they purchase the right thing? Did they pay the right price? Did they get, you know, scammed?
So we give them basically responsibility. And if they pass that responsibility, you give them more responsibility. And that's how we kind of know that they're therefore maturing. But we can't do that if we're just sheltering them the whole time. We don't, they're not going to arrive at that mental maturity. So I think that's an interesting dynamic when we think about this topic. And it's something that I'm thinking about. My daughter doesn't have access to any of these things. But she's getting older. And like Sheikh Hamad mentioned, like you can't shelter them from this stuff forever. You know, there's other kids who are going to be in her class. They're going to start getting cell phones. They're going to start going on these things. If I, you know, don't let her do so at home, she's going to be exposed to social media and to videos and things like that from her friends. Right? So, yeah, that's what I'm thinking about is how do I put her in situations where she can make these judgment calls in a way that's not, you know, super life or death situations. And we can, you know, work together where she gets more control over time, gets to make these decisions, hopefully, you know, makes correct decisions. And then we give her more and more control, more and more autonomy as she goes. So she doesn't go from being completely sheltered one day to all of a sudden, you know, she's older, she's an adult, she gets a cell phone and she's completely, you know, has no tool to deal with these things. And all of a sudden she has complete access without the tools to navigate. So it's great advice. And honestly, it's a question I keep thinking about myself. And I think a lot of parents are probably struggling with it as well. As we, you know, coming to a close here, I want to leave it to both of you. Is there, you know, generally something that you would like parents to know or some advice that you think is really critical for parents to be aware of? Just as we conclude, maybe just something that you feel or you've seen that parents maybe, you know, really need to hear. So we'll kind of conclude on that.
I'll give you a shot, inshallah. So Sheikh Mohammed, you want to go first? No. As the video progresses, people have a larger chance of signing off, so they need to hear her first. That's true. JazakAllah, sir. I mean, there's so much that I could share, but I think maybe I'll summarize it in three kind of points. One is, mistakes happen. Like, we're parents, we're not perfect. We make mistakes, I make mistakes, I've made mistakes. And they're normal and they can be really expected, I think. What's really important is that modeling piece, that we are able to actually acknowledge the mistakes that we've made and be kind of transparent about it with our kids, because they're actually going to learn a lot more from that. They're going to learn a lot more about how we prepare for a mistake and how we handle a mistake or a conflict. So it's not about sheltering. If we see that, you know, there's a decision that we've made that hasn't been a good one, being really open and honest with them about it. You know, you can have chosen for them to have gone to a certain school and it didn't work out the way you wanted it to, and you can be honest with them about that and you can share your concerns with them. And, you know, I think that's a really important part. The other, I mean, I know this is how to raise Muslim children, but I think inherent in that is how to be good parents. And so I think, I think I often give the advice of just knowing yourself, knowing that you also need to learn tools about how to regulate your own emotions and how to cope yourself when things come up for you.
And again, it comes back to modeling. Kids will look at how you handle stress, how you handle these scenarios, how you navigate talking to non-Muslims, how you balance these things in your life. And that's actually going to be a lot more what they remember is what they see, as Jeff mentioned. That's going to be the kind of long lasting image they have in their mind about you. And I think the third thing is, sometimes we think that faith is, we think, OK, you have strong faith, you know, that should be something that really helps you in terms of managing stress and being able to kind of navigate some of these issues. And really, it's the piece about religion that's, you know, that's really important is knowing that it's not just religious involvement or spiritual involvement that leads to improvement in mental health or stress. Actually, there can be lots of people who, you know, have very intense levels of religiosity and spirituality, but it has a really negative impact on them mentally. And the reasons for that is, as Jeff mentioned, it's about the locus of control. So that piece about thinking that Allah has complete power or dominion over every aspect of your life and you have no control over it. That's not a kind of healthy way of thinking because it leaves you powerless with no autonomy. So the alternate of thinking that you have all control over everything and there is no one, you know, there's nothing else that also, you know, can be quite challenging.
So it's the balance. It's really people who have that religious outlook that have this balance between this internal locus of control and external, knowing that Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala is there, but you also have the autonomy and decisions that you make do impact your life. So that's number one. And the second is having this optimistic kind of outlook. Having an optimistic outlook is really important. So, you know, when you are going to social events with the masjid, having social supports that are positive. If you have the experience where you go to the masjid and it's a negative experience for you, then no religion and spirituality is not protective for you. If you're excluded, if you're kind of ostracized, if you're not part of a community that's positive and that breeds that optimism, it's not a positive experience. Similarly for our youth, just to think about when we take them to the masjid, are they having that experience where they have this optimistic outlook, where they are feeling supported in the masjid, where they're feeling like there's a community that they really belong to? I think that are really key things that I hope parents kind of take away and think about. JazakAllah khair. Sheikh Mohammed, your turn. Bismillah. I mean, I'll keep it brief. I think one of the biggest frauds of modern times, the biggest lies, is that of like happiness in the way that we imagine it being attainable on earth, being the purpose of life. Let me put it that way. Happiness is the purpose of life. Contentment with Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala and a sense of purpose in life is far more important and far more valuable, far more fulfilling than the wild goose chase of happiness.
Because happiness, what we chase, may not give us happiness. And if it actually does give us happiness, it'll be temporary. And there's just so many things wrong with chasing happiness. Because everyone thinks happiness, and then happiness is not even decided by you, what will give me happiness. It's what society is telling you, which is through materialism. And through materialism, you just keep consuming. When you keep consuming, you just start becoming so shallow and unfulfilled, because you can't keep up. And also, like you're defined by the brand of shoe that you wear. Like, has life become that? You are defined by what you step on. Right? And so, and that is why some of the most sort of materialistically comfortable and, you know, lavish nations in the world have some of the highest suicide rates. And I just cite that to say that, you know, a lack of comfort is far less detrimental to your child than a lack of meaning. Why am I alive? Right? When we say teach your children, put them in the right atmosphere, we don't just mean the behavioral stuff, right? We don't just mean the ritual, the spirit behind it, the concept behind it. You know, what is it that gives a person that sense of resilience? You know, it's okay that I'm different. It's okay that people don't like me. It's okay this, that, and the third. You know, that making these sacrifices, even though in Islam, they're not really sacrifices. That's why Allah calls them trade. It's a trade-off that gives you the best here and then an upgrade there, right, in the hereafter. But that idea of, you know, building frustration tolerance by not lying to yourself, saying, hey, life's not a walk in the park, preparing our child for that, as opposed to setting them up for a life of comfort through materialism that will supposedly give them happiness. That's one of the greatest disservices we can have, we can, you know, do to our children. Give them a sense of purpose, give them a sense of meaning.
Even before the interpersonal ethics and stuff, that is like the keystone of good character, of, you know, upright character, of, you know, a fulfilling life, a meaningful life. Sense of purpose is huge. And so instilling in them where they came from, why they're here, where they're going, this is the greatest asset you can inculcate in your child, bar none. And that's why Allah told us, right, I didn't create you except for this so that you don't get caught up and your life expires, you know, chasing after a thousand and one sort of ruses. I'll just throw in a couple of advices as well, inshallah, before we end, and I'll make it really quick as well. The first thing that I would tell parents is make sure you're spending time with your children. And by time, I don't mean just being around them, but being present with them, being in the moment with them, talking to them, dealing with them, engaging with them, playing with them. Spending more and more time with your child is really important. If you have multiple children, you know, spend alone time with each child. Sometimes siblings are constantly fighting each other for your attention, even when you don't realize it. And it's important for you to do that and spend that time with them, you know, take one of them for while you're running errands or play catch with them or something like that. And it's really important because, you know, everything to do with parenting has to do with attachment, has to do with that relationship that you're building with your child. Like sometimes people will ask, you know, if I discipline my child, did I go too hard? Did I discipline them the right way, the wrong way? And the truth is that if you have a good relationship with your child, even if you're a bit harsh when you discipline them, it won't matter too much. Like they're going to be over it pretty quick. Whereas if you have a bad relationship with your child, even if you discipline them very softly and you know, you did everything right in the act of discipline, you know, it might really hurt the relationship because the relationship to begin with is on rocky ground.
So a lot of the things that we're trying to navigate as parents is made easier if we can build a good relationship with our child. And of course we do our best effort. We spend as much time as we can with them. We prioritize them in our lives. But like Sheikh Shinawi mentioned earlier and Dr. Afin mentioned as well, it's not all in our hands. Ultimately, Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala is in control of all things and our hearts are between his fingers and he can alternate them as he wills. So we do our best. We try our best. We try our hardest and then we leave it in the hands of Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala and we make dua. We ask Allah Azawajal to guide both us and to guide all of our children and to keep all of us and our hearts on the straight path. May Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala bless us and our communities and our families and may he bless our panelists for joining us and giving us their time and their incredible wisdom and knowledge. Alhamdulillah. There's a lot of resources inshaAllah for you to check out. We do have a video series called The Keys to Prophetic Parenting. I encourage you inshaAllah to see that. And we have a number of papers inshaAllah that have already been published inshaAllah will be published soon. So follow Yaqeen Institute inshaAllah for more parenting resources. Jazakumullahu khair. As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakato. Wa alaikum salam.
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