40 Hadiths on Social Justice
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Hadith #27 – Framing How Rights Work in a Marriage
Sh. Omar Suleiman discusses the general marital rights of women and men in Islam.
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu Sunnah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem. Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen. wa laa udwana illa a'la al-dhalimeen. wa laa aqeebatu lilmuttaqeen. Allahumma salli wa sallamu ala abdika wa rasulika Muhammadin salallahu alaihi wa sallam wa ala anhi wa sahbihi wa sallim tasliman kathira. So, just from the very beginning, if I could ask if anyone sees the children get in the room behind me, if someone could just be a good Samaritan and run back there and not hurt them, but just bring them out inshallah. I know last week we talked about kindness to children, but we also need to make sure that we keep the halaqa moving smoothly. Tonight we are going into, we're continuing in the discussion of rights and we're continuing in the discussion of rights within the family realm in particular. And tonight's probably the trickiest one of them all. It's the rights of... Assalamu alaikum. It's the right of... no one heard him though, he's cute, my friend. It's the rights within the marital relationship, so the rights between spouses. Now, as you all know, there are many classes on the fiqh of love and marriage and things of that sort. Sheikh Yasser Rajas obviously teaches his class as well. And you always have to offer like 200 disqualifiers before you make any statement in regards to the rights of the husband over the wife or the rights of the wife over the husband. So I'm not even going to attempt to give you all a complete handbook and manual as to how the rights function between a husband and a wife. However, we can look at the frames that were given to us by the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, and the basic rights, and then from those frames we can build upon the spirit of the Sunnah in regards to these rights. I also want to make something very clear, that every one of these once again speaks to the general situation.
There are nuances, there are exceptions, and a lot of times those are not taken into consideration in a hadith that's one sentence. But they are supposed to be general rules that we govern our lives by, that we govern our families by, that we govern our societies by. So last week when we talked about children, there were a few questions that came after that. What if one child does this and one child does that? There are always going to be those what ifs, but at the same time again, we're looking at the frames that are given to us by the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam. So how did Islam conceptualize the rights within a marriage? It starts off with a hadith that's narrated by Muawiyah al-Qushayri, radiyaAllahu ta'ala anhu. And we're going to talk about the rights of the wife and the rights of the husband, and then how that all comes together in the discussion of the prophetic tradition. Muawiyah al-Qushayri, radiyaAllahu ta'ala anhu, he said, I went to the Messenger, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, and I asked the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, ma taqoolu fee nisa'ina? What do you say about our women? What do you say about our wives? How are we supposed to understand the relationship between... Sorry. I need to have someone playing bodyguard now. Sorry. Alright. It's funny, I never make an announcement about the back room, but today everyone's messing with me in the back room. Okay. He went to Hajj with me, so he gets a pass. So where was I? Does anyone remember what I was saying? What do we say about our women? What do we say about our wives? Okay. So when he asked the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, that question, he was asking the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, that question in regards to particularly how we conceptualize, you know, rights? Or what rights do they have upon me? Now the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, uses strong language here, and that's from the wisdom of the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, when he's speaking to a person he understands the intent of the question, so it's a very simple question. So the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, could have said simply, Show them Ihsan. Show them excellence.
But the Prophet, Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, understands the spirit of that question, that question, where that question is coming from, and so he addresses it with very strong language. He says, salallahu alayhi wasalam, at'imuhunna minma ta'kuloon, give them food from what you have for yourself, meaning the same thing that you provide for yourself you should provide for them. Waksoohunna minma taqtasoon, and you clothe them, not with the same thing that you clothe yourself, but with the same quality of clothing that you clothe yourself, meaning that provisions should be in the same way that you would want to be provided for. And then he said, salallahu alayhi wasalam, wala tadriboohunna wala tuqabbihoon. So, wala tadriboohunna means don't hit them. Wala tuqabbihoon means don't revile them, don't belittle them. So it's not just the physical abuse piece, but it's also emotional abuse. So again, what were the four things that he mentioned? Food, clothing, hitting and reviling. So food, clothing, and then he mentioned, salallahu alayhi wasalam, physical abuse or emotional abuse, tuqabbihoon. So he used really strong language, this is the hadith in Abu Dawood, speaking to this man, understanding what the nature of that question was, and he could have given, it was a very simple question, he didn't say, oh messenger of Allah, what rights does my wife have upon me in regards to food, clothing, and in regards to our arguments, how do we deal with arguments, but the Prophet, salallahu alayhi wasalam, always understood when giving advice who he was speaking to. And that's one of the most beautiful things about the way that the sunnah functions in this regard, and a lot of times that's lost in the text, right? It's lost in reading the simple hadith, but it speaks to how we also deal with rights and we also deal with these discussions. If I'm speaking to someone who I sense that there is an anger issue or there is taqseer,
there is deficiency in the way that they treat somebody, then I'm going to go above and beyond to make sure that that person understands that the deficiency is unacceptable, okay? Now, so how do we deal with this? Why do we start with a hadith about the rights of the wife over the husband? Because Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, wa la hunna mithlu allathee alayhinna bil ma'ruf. And to them, wa la hunna, to them, who's he speaking to, who is hunna? Men or women, basic Arabic lesson. To the women, wa la hunna, or for the women, mithlu allathee alayhinna. For women is like that which is upon them, bil ma'ruf, in regards to that which is reasonable and in kindness. For them is like that which is upon them. So the ulama of tafseer mentioned that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, mentioned the rights of her and then the rights of him. And he put those rights in the same category, not in regards to the technicalities. There are going to be some differences as we're going to see in the technicalities of what those rights are. But in general, that a person should treat their spouse as they would hope to be treated by their spouse, and that's how we define those rights and obligations, unless there is something that is exceptional in regards to those rights and obligations as it relates to either spouse. Ibn Kathir, rahimahullah ta'ala, he commented on that ayah. He says, wa la hunna ala alrijali min al haqqi mithlu ma li alrijali alayhinna, upon them or what belongs to them of rights from their husbands is like that which is due from them to their husbands. Fal yu'addi kullu wahid minhuma ila al aakhiri ma yajibu alayhi bil ma'ruf. So let everyone treat the other person or give to the other person what they would hope to receive in return, bil ma'ruf. Bil ma'ruf means, it has two connotations
by the way. It means according to that which is customary and it means in kindness. According to that which is customary, meaning there is a standard and that standard might change through time and place. So you look to that standard and you fulfill that standard in kindness. And the word bil ma'ruf is used a lot when it comes to these ayat and these ahadith in regards to the marriage because so many of these things change over time and place. And you should always look to al ma'ruf, you should always look to that which is customary and that which is standard when you're determining these things and recognize that so that you treat these rights and these obligations within that standard. And there's a narration about Ibn Abbas radiya Allah ta'ala anhu narrated by Ikramah that Ibn Abbas radiya Allah ta'ala anhu used to as he was about to enter into his home, he used to beautify himself. What that means is he used to fix himself up before he would enter into the house. And so people would see him as he was about to enter into the house getting himself all cleaned up and ready. Whereas usually you go into the home and that's where you kind of let yourself down. Ibn Abbas radiya Allah ta'ala anhu was getting ready to enter into the house whereas most people get ready to exit the house. And so people would see him and he's not just this young insignificant companion, this is the scholar of the ummah, this is the teacher of the nation, the teacher of the nation of Muhammad salallahu alayhi wa sallam. This is a significant person. And he's a scholar and he's looked at with a lot of respect so when they see him going into his house getting himself ready to get into his house, putting some cologne on himself, combing his hair, combing his beard, making sure he's all set up to enter into his home, they would laugh at that. And so he mentioned to them, he says, inni uhibbu an atazayyan.
He says, I like to embellish myself or beautify myself for my wife just as I like her to beautify herself for me. And then he says, li'anna allaha yaqul walahunna mithlu allathee alayhina bi'l-ma'ruf. And then he quoted the verse because Allah says, and for them is like that which is upon them. And he mentions in some of these narrations as it goes along that Ibn Abbas said that on the day of judgment Allah would ask each person about their rights and obligations towards one another. And you want to make sure that you have these categories, you have that which is due upon you and that which is due to you. You want to always make sure that you're crossing, you're going above and beyond that which is due upon you and you are not too demanding of that which is due to you. That doesn't mean you accept harm. La darara wa la dirar. Once again, the multiple qualifications, there's no harm or reciprocating harm. But you are more forgiving with that which is due to you and you excel in that which is due upon you. And he said that if you do that, meaning if you cross in that gap, there is that which is due upon you and that which is due for you. And if Allah made them, wa la hunna mithu allathee alayhina, and to them is like that which is upon them, then you want to make sure that you're crossing in this direction and not that direction. Meaning you're excelling with that which is due upon you and you are forgiving with that which is due to you. Because who fills the gap on the day of judgment? Who compensates on the day of judgment that gap? Allah compensates the gap. That doesn't mean he has to punish the other person. That just means that Allah is the one who compensates generosity with generosity, forgiveness with forgiveness. Right? And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is the one who shows mercy to those that are most merciful. So basically what he's saying is that I want to go above and beyond for her so that if there's a discrepancy, then that
discrepancy would be in my favor and not against me. Not that I want her to get punished, but I want Allah to reward that generosity. Does that make sense? Concept? All clear? We're good? Okay. Alhamdulillah. I think we're done now. Alright. Now let's get into the technicalities inshallah. So we start off with the rights of the wife, the technical or the material rights of the wife. The first one that is always mentioned in our classical books is spending. The Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam mentioned food and clothing to provide for the wife. Now this means acceptable food, clothing, and expenses according to urf, according to that which is customary. The Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam did not say, if he would have said that a husband is supposed to provide for his wife X amount every single month, then that would cause major problems because of the way that time and place differs. So instead the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam mentioned bil ma'ruf. And what's the practical example of that? Or that provision? Obviously it's the obligation of the husband to spend upon the wife, and it is ihsan, it's excellence from the wife to spend upon her husband or to spend upon the household as well. And that's why in the questions of zakah for example, a husband cannot give zakah to his wife, but guess what? Zaynab, the wife of Abdullah bin Mas'ud, asked permission to give her zakah to her husband. So because the obligation is upon the husband in this regard, and the ihsan, the excellence, is upon the wife to spend as well on the household. Now what happens when a husband is not providing and being stingy with it? Not that he's going through difficult times, but he's being stingy with his wealth. This is where the hadith of Hind coming to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam and complaining about Abu Sufyan comes into play. Now keep in mind here, and this is significant
to me because this is also lost in text, Hind is a woman that ordered the murder of one of the most beloved people in the world to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam and mutilated him. Who was that? Hamza radiallahu anhum. Hind, when she was the enemy of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, ordered the murder of Hamza, okay? And cut Hamza's body up and chewed his liver. It was a disgusting way to disgrace the body of one of the most beloved people to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam. The Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam cried over Hamza like he cried over no one else. His beloved uncle, who was also the same age as him, so was like a brother to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam as well. But the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam forgave her. After the conquest of Mecca she came to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, she sought forgiveness. And here is Hind, who is coming to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam and telling the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam that my husband is stingy with me. Now this shows you that the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam's kindness, justice were not interfered with with the past. The Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam tells her that if he is stingy with you, then take from him what suffices you and your children bil ma'ruh, in accordance with that which is reasonable. Take from him, meaning without his permission, that which is sufficient for you and for your children. So he didn't say, you know, don't talk to me and just deal with it and you've got enough of a past, you need to go through poverty to do kaffarah, to expiate for everything you've done in the past. The Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam saw the injustice that was being done to her in that regard and told her, then you can take matters into your own hands. Now what does that mean for practical purposes? Because bil ma'ruh, that which is reasonable, is again very subjective. And it's intentionally subjective. Because it requires someone who's objective to determine who's being subjective with it. I think I
lost you guys. Bil ma'ruh, al ma'ruh is subjective on purpose. Everyone is going to define reasonable differently. So what happened in the case of Hind, did she not go to someone who would help her with her situation, who would give her fatwa or judge in her situation, that it was unreasonable, the way that her husband was withholding from her, therefore you can take from him? She did. So some of the scholars said that in this situation, a woman should still ask someone, ask a scholar, ask a judge or whatever it may be, who's in that capacity, whether or not she's justified in that taking. And the Hanbali position, the position of Imam Ahmed rahimahullah is the most lenient in that regard. Because he said basically whoever is in an identical situation can apply it without that judicial process if you will. But even then a person should fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and not go to extravagance, not exceed the bounds. And some of the scholars, I've seen this within fatwa obviously, that some of the scholars mentioned this, or take the Hanbali position in this regard, especially when there's a fear of harm or there's something that could come out of that. So a woman can in that situation take, it's not stealing in that case if she's in that identical situation, but then of course a person should exercise as much prudence, as much taqwa as possible in that case. It's better at the end of the day if someone else could be asked what is reasonable and what's not, if someone who's objective in that regard is consulted. So that's how the scholars dealt with the issue of provision. Housing, bil ma'ruf, the right to a sakan, the right to a house. The famous hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, Ya ma'shar al shabab, O young man, man astata'a minkumul ba'a, fal yatazawwaj, whoever amongst you can afford to do so, let him get married. The technical definition
of what the means are, whoever has the means to get married, is according to Ibn al-Qayyim al-Jawziya rahimahullah, the ability to provide an individual or a private home or living arrangement, as well as provide reasonably in food and in clothing. That's how they defined it from a technical perspective. So what does that mean in regards to other people living within the home? It is the right of a woman to ask for her own private living arrangement. That's a right. So anything that would go beyond that, I know that there are sometimes difficult situations that come up, that should be done in consultation with her and it should not be forced upon her, she should have the right to ask for that private living arrangement or not be in that private living arrangement. Obviously there are times where you have elderly parents or there are times where someone has to live there for some sort of extraneous situations, but in that case it's still her haq, so she's showing ihsan, she's showing excellence if she does tanazur, if she withdraws from that particular right. The right to intimacy, as the scholars mentioned. I know that that's something that typically, and I'll get to the men, typically when we think about intimacy we think about it as the right of men, not the right of women, but the scholars from the Salaf even from the pious predecessors spoke openly from the Khulafa about the right of the woman to intimacy as well, that she should not be held in a situation where she is not being provided that intimacy from her husband. And this shows you how fiqh is organic because from a jurisprudence perspective, because it's not defined within the shari'a, within the hadith, different scholars had different lines of reasoning when they determined how long or when a husband must make himself available to his wife. So some said once every
four nights, some mentioned at least once a month, so there are different scholars that spoke about it and they used different forms of qiyas, different forms of analogy to determine what does availability mean in that situation. Each of the scholars tried to do their best to exercise that reasoning, but generally speaking a woman also cannot be denied by her husband as we know is one of the rightful husbands. So the husband upon the wife from a technical perspective. Now what about the emotional rights? It goes back to tuqabihu hunna, or wala tahqirha, the Prophet ﷺ mentioned don't belittle, don't mock, don't harm in the emotional sense as well. There are too many examples to mention here from the life of the Prophet ﷺ. Seriously, and I'm not just saying that in some extravagant form of praise of the Prophet ﷺ he is always worthy of that praise ﷺ because his character truly shines in all of these different instances. But if you just think about the sensitivity of the Prophet ﷺ to his spouses in regards to their emotional well-being as well. So when he tells Aisha radiyallahu anha, I can tell when you're upset with me, and she says how do you know when I'm upset with you? And he says because when you're upset with me you swear bi-rabbi Ibrahim, by the Lord of Abraham, and when you're pleased with me you swear bi-rabbi Muhammad in the name of the Lord of Muhammad. So he's saying I can tell when you're upset with me, he's paying attention to that. And he's showing that kindness to her, that going above and beyond with her to show her that love. And there are so many different examples of that when we look at the Prophet ﷺ, paying close attention to detail and making sure to always show that love and that consideration. So that goes beyond the realm of rights. When Aisha radiyallahu anha wanted to see the Abyssinian war dances in the masjid, and the Prophet ﷺ took her and she put her head on the shoulder of the Prophet ﷺ and she watched.
And it took a long time, the Prophet ﷺ said are you satisfied? She said no, not yet. And he said are you satisfied? She said no, not yet. And time went on and she said okay, now I'm good. That's not a matter of haqq. It's not a judicial right. The Prophet ﷺ did not say well, according to the divine revelation you have five minutes to watch this. And then after five minutes, that's it, I've done my right by you. It's not about rights here, it's about ihsan, it's about showing that love and that care to the spouse. Also when the Prophet ﷺ stopped the entire army to find a necklace that belonged to Aisha radiyallahu anha. It's not the right of Aisha to demand that the Prophet ﷺ stops the entire army because she can't find a necklace. But he did, they ran out of water and it put them in a very difficult situation. But he did that out of showing that extra love and that extra care. So it goes beyond rights and obligations here. And that's why again Allah ﷻ keeps speaking about it. وَعَاشِرُوا هُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ And dwell with them in kindness. So in the things that you say, in the things that you overlook, go beyond just justice and try to show that ma'ruf, try to show that love. The Prophet ﷺ also said in the hadith of Abu Huraira radiyallahu ta'ala anhu, in Sahih Muslim, that a believing man should not hate a believing woman. إِن كَرِهَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَرًا He said if he dislikes one of her characteristics, let him be pleased with another. So don't nitpick and pick on one thing and ignore the good qualities and focus on the bad. The Prophet ﷺ said, if you don't like one thing, focus on that which you like. And if you focus on that, then it will overlook the flaws. Because we all have those flaws and we all require, or we all should make it a point to overlook the things that we don't necessarily like.
That doesn't mean we don't seek healthy methods to correct them, but we should overlook and try to focus on the good. And that makes it easier to pass through the bad. Most of the early books of fiqh, when they spoke about huqook and they spoke about rights, they obviously included a significant portion on cases of polygamy, because that's the norm in the pre-modern world and in the society of the Prophet ﷺ and others. So you have the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ, if a man was married to more than one woman and he wronged one, or he did not... ...that's a tough one to translate. ...would mean that he gave preference to one over the other. And that's obviously within the realm of rights. The Prophet ﷺ mentioned that he would come on the Day of Judgment crooked, so burdened in one side over the other. And this is where the scholars mentioned taqwa, because when they mentioned those rights amongst the children, they also mentioned very specific technicalities in showing taqwa in that regard as well. Now what are the rights of the husband upon the wife? ... There are different rights even though they're going to fall within those things. One of the most difficult concepts to grapple with is the issue of ta'a, the leadership or the issue where Allah ﷻ or the hadith which denote authority of the man in a household. So the hadith that we mentioned in regards to the flock and in regards to the subjects, and a man is a guardian of a family, and the hadith which mentions ta'at az-zawj, ... that if a woman was to pray her prayers and fast her fast and show ta'a, and I'm purposely not translating the term right now,
show ta'a to her husband that she would enter Jannah through any gate that she wanted to. What does the word ta'a mean? What do you usually hear? Obedience. How does that make you feel? Obedience has, and this is the difficulty of translating Arabic words, obedience has certain connotations sometimes that are difficult to swallow because they denote an inherent superiority sometimes, right? So don't focus on the translation, focus on the technicalities or focus on what this denotes. Is there any absolute authority that belongs to any human being over another human being? No. And if there was, then it's in regards to the parents over the children. However, what does ta'at az-zawj actually relate to or what does this look like in regards to a marriage? Does this mean dictatorship? Does this mean oppression and lack of accountability? No, because the Prophet ﷺ said, khayrukum khayrukum li ahli, the best amongst you are those who are best to their wives. So what's the best way to deal with this structure? And I'm not shying away from text for a reason here, because we have to deal with it head on. One of the most beautiful ways to negotiate this that we find from our turat, from our classical texts, is from Imam al-Ghazali, rahimahullah. He gave the example, he said it's not like a tyrant over a subjected people, but it's like the example of khilafah and shura. Khilafah and shura. So you have the khalifa and then you have the consultation body. Who's actually more accountable to the other? The khalifa is accountable to the shura, the shura is accountable to the khalifa. So it functions in that tandem, if you will. And so he describes the example of the husband and the wife, like the khilafah and the shura, that they function in tandem. Not undermining, not belittling, not oppressing,
but rather there is ta'a, there is following him in that which is not unreasonable or impermissible. Those are the two things, the two qualifiers that the ulama gave. Obviously in regards to that which is not permissible, it goes to the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ, la ta'atani makhlooh fi ma'siyatil khaliq. There is no obedience or following a creation in that which the creator has forbidden. So if someone tells you to do something that's not allowed, then obviously you cannot follow them in that or obey them in that or listen to them in that. So it's that and then it's that which is unreasonable. So unreasonable demands also would not count. So it functions as khilafah and shura. Then there is the extra emphasis in Islam on intimacy and the right of intimacy. Does that mean inflicting of harm? Does that mean that a person can take advantage of their spouse or cause darar or cause harm? No, absolutely not. And that's a longer subject obviously, but the thing that's very strongly prohibited within the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ is a woman not making herself available to her husband as a means of punishing him or as a means of showing some sort of anger. That the Prophet ﷺ does not allow that to be employed in a marriage. And again, the right of intimacy goes both ways, but there is certainly extra emphasis that we find within the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ. Then you find the Prophet ﷺ, and some of these things are very customary, so you have to take them in the spirit of them. In the farewell speech of the Prophet ﷺ where he lists out the rights of the women, then he lists out the rights of the men, he says not to let someone in the house that he doesn't like. So that's, just don't let someone in your house that your husband doesn't like. If it's your mom or your dad or it's family, that's different. But showing that level of respect and cooperation, obviously that's something that's there.
And then lastly, emotional regard. How does emotional regard play out in regards to the men? This is a really interesting hadith, and I often tell people this, that the Prophet ﷺ's hadith, or his advices were never taken as being mean-spirited to people. You know, when there is a trust level, you take more frank advice from someone, because you trust where the advice is coming from. That's actually something, I was having this discussion with a pastor recently. He was talking about like sometimes how the YouTube clips come out of a pastor speaking to his congregation, and they look worse than they actually are. And sometimes they're just really bad, like any Trump-supporting pastor. There's no way to really contextualize these things, like a Robert Jeffress type. But sometimes there's a frank conversation or a fun conversation that's being had, a pastor talking to a youth group or talking to a congregation. And there's a level of trust and cohesion and chemistry that's been built between the congregation and the pastor. So it's taken as fatherly, loving advice, the same way that you find from Abu Bakr and Umar. When Abu Bakr grabs Umar by the beard, right, it's not taken as offensive to Umar because there's a certain trust level, they're brothers. So when there's that chemistry and that trust, advice can be given with more frankness. Agree or disagree. All right, so when the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam spoke to women about their obligations, when he spoke to men about their obligations, it was never taken as mean-spirited. Women did not say to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, you're being too difficult with us. But they trusted him, which is why they went to him and they asked him for a specific day of the week where he could sit just with them and cater to their concerns. So the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam's presence was not overbearing. If anything, there was a comfort level. So a lot of times when you have a hadith where the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam is speaking to women, you know how they write the books now for women only, for men only, like don't read this and don't read that because at the end of the day
you should be focused on your obligations. They were not said in any mean spirit, but it gets lost in the text sometimes. So this hadith is an interesting one. Asma' bint Yazid al-Ansariyya radiyaAllahu anha. Read about Asma' bint Yazid. This was a woman that was the khatiba. She was the one who spoke on behalf of the women. What does that mean, she spoke on behalf of the women? She was known for having a particularly challenging attitude. And I don't say that in a negative way. She had a strong personality and she would sometimes speak to the concerns of sisters that were not being spoken to. So there's a famous narration where she came to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam in the presence of the men and she said to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, Ya Rasulullah, how is it that we, the women, do this and we do that and we do that, but then the men go out in salatul jama'ah, the men go out and battle with you, and they've taken all the reward, don't we get some of the reward too? And the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam looks to the men, she said this in front of the men, and he said, have you ever heard a speech more beautiful than this woman's speech? And the sahaba said, Ya Rasulullah, we don't know that you taught in this way, meaning, I mean, she was being very forward and frank, right? And the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam said, go back to the women and tell them that for them is the same reward as the men, okay? So here is a long, beautiful narration. Asmaa bint Yazid al-Ansariyya radiyaAllahu ta'ala, she describes this. She says, the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, he passed by me, and I was with some young children belonging to me, and he greeted us, and then the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said to me, beware of being ungrateful. Listen to what she says. She said, when the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam said that, wa kuntu min ajra'ihina ala mas'alati, I was known for my audacity,
or I had the audacity to ask the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam things that other people would not ask, meaning the challenge and to raise concerns. So I said to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, what ingratitude are you talking about, Ya Rasulullah? What ingratitude are you mentioning? And the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said that it may be sometimes that a woman would get married, and that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala may even bless them with a child, and then she gets mad at her husband one day, and she says to her husband, ma ra'aytu minka khayran qat, I have never seen any goodness from you. I've never seen any good from you. This is what the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam mentioned, kufr and ni'm in this hadith, to show ingratitude to those blessings, to say I've never seen any good from you at the first slip up. So what's the context of the hadith? Is it a mean spirit? Is it the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam yelling at some women and chastising some women, or telling the men, you know, your women are really ungrateful, so you should go tell them that I said this? Or was it a conversation, particularly with Asmaa bint Yazid? And guess who narrates it, Asmaa bint Yazid al-Ansariya in this context. So what does this mean? That if, you know, Al-Imam al-Nawwi rahimahullah mentions a man being good for, you know, so this is not in the case of a man who is not doing what he's supposed to be doing. This is in the case of a man who is good, who overall is fulfilling his responsibilities, and then he slips one day, and the woman says, I have never seen any good from you. Ma ra'aytu minka khayran qat, I have never seen a good day from you. So how do we break this down? Okay, now, let's bring it all home in conclusion. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, wa min ayatihi an khalaqa lakum min anfusikum azgajan li taskunu ilayha. From the signs of your Lord is that He created from you spouses from amongst yourselves. wa ja'ala baynakum mawaddatan warahma.
That you may dwell in tranquility together, and He put between you love and mercy. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, hunna libasunnakum wa antum libasunnahum. They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them. The nature of the relationship of these spouses has to transcend discussion of rights. Rights have to be a given, because of that fear of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and the last will of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, as-salatu as-salat, wa astawsu bin nisa'i khayran. Hold on to your prayers, and treat your wives well. That was the last will of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam. And the scholars denoted, they took from that, Ibn al-Qayyim rahimallah said something very beautifully. He said that your relationship is divided between the right of Allah upon you, and the right of the people upon you. And the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam summed it all up in those last two sentences, and when he says, your Lord and your spouse, in this regard. So what should govern that relationship has to be ihsan. Once you start getting into nitpicking, and this right and that right, and that's a sign of a collapsing home. That's a sign of a collapsing marriage. Someone has to show ihsan and inspire, seek to inspire ihsan in the other as well. Imam Ahmed rahimallah, he mentioned the night that he, or his wife, said I was married to her for 30 years, and we only had one argument, and I was wrong. Because she passed away in his lifetime. So he said, in 30 years we had one argument, and I was the one that was wrong. And he described, you know, that when they first got married, they prayed two rak'ahs together, which is a sunnah of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam. And she started to, her name was Umm Salih, she started to say to him, in the name of Allah, the most compassionate, the most merciful, she basically gives him a khutbah. I mean, she literally gave him a sermon about how she's going to do her best to fulfill the right of Allah, and to do her best as a spouse.
Imam Ahmed was like, whoa, he said I never wanted to give a khutbah like that night. So he gave her back a khutbah as well. Not a sermon, but a promise that I'm going to do my best to be a husband as well. So he said, when he buried her, he said for 30 years we didn't fight, we fought once, we argued once, and I was wrong and she was right. So each person has to look at themselves first and foremost with the fear of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, with the taqwa of Allah. Why? You might be married to someone who is very lenient, alright? And that might make you complacent. So you have to challenge yourself always to be a better spouse. You always have to be willing to challenge yourself to be a better spouse. Once you start getting into the nitpicking and technicalities with one another over rights and obligations, you're bound for failure. You're bound for failure. The nature of the dialogue, the discourse has to go to the next level. That doesn't mean there isn't time for that. There is a time for that. But at the same time, that's where usually bringing in a third party is good, in that spirit of advice and in the spirit of guiding through a difficult patch. Because sometimes there is a conflict, and that conflict could be a very logistical conflict. Bringing in a neutral third party in that regard is actually ihsan, it's actually showing excellence. Why don't we consult someone? Not let's go to a sheikh and I'm going to yell about you and complain. No, let's get someone else and let's ask someone's advice on how we deal with this situation. Whether it's an elder or someone that we trust, whether that's in the capacity of a scholar or what may be, someone that's going to give us some advice on how to deal with that situation. The next thing here though, is if you notice when we talk about emotional abuse, we also have to talk about emotional voids and how emotional voids play out in a marriage. I'm not going to act like the therapist here. I have no degree in counseling. I have no degree in therapy. Not a therapist, though. I was an imam at one point, I was the imam, the undertaker, the marriage guy, the divorce guy,
the maintenance man, the therapist, and more. But professionally, I'm not. So I'm just trying to offer this from a Tezkiah perspective. If we're going to talk about emotional abuse, we also have to talk about emotional voids. Our general isolation, our general isolation in the 21st century, how we are isolated from people. We're not living in a village structure where you get emotional support from multiple people and you're always around people, so you can sometimes fill some of those voids in your workspace or in the farm or whatever it may be. We're just not in that now. Most people are in great isolation. And because of that greater isolation, we have greater emotional needs and greater emotional voids that we often look to be fulfilled. We look for them to be fulfilled in the context of marriage. So it places a greater emotional void. And we have to demand and we have to recognize that. The support system is also important. And sometimes we don't have that support system. And we have to be conscious of the fact that sometimes we're placing too much on the, you know, too much demand on what we expect to receive emotionally from a marriage. Another thing, two empty souls does not make a complete marriage, do not make a complete marriage. It just makes an empty marriage. This idea that I'm going to get married and fix my life and everything's going to be okay, I'm going to get married now, so let me go get married. Which is a behavior that sometimes we instill, by the way, in our children and our youth. You know, go ahead and party and mess around, but then once you're ready to get married and be religious and fix your life now, it doesn't work that way. An empty soul is not going to be completed through a marriage. And that's why the Prophet, Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, when he spoke about ihsan to one another, and showing excellence to one another in a marriage, it was not just the flowers and the acts of kindness and the extra love, it was forcing the other person to wake up for qiyam ul-lit, to wake up for prayer at night.
Sprinkling water in the face of your spouse to wake them up for prayer. Enjoining one another in good and forbidding one another from evil. Pushing one another to be better Muslims, to fill the soul, so that you can be a more complete person. When you're a more complete person, more spiritually fulfilled, you're more able to give that fulfillment as well. Taqidu shay la yu'ti, this is a very famous principle in our religion, that he who does not have something cannot give something. If you don't have peace, you can't give peace. So trying to push one another to be emotionally fulfilled pushes one another towards goodness. The last thing here, and again, I'm not the therapist, I'm not the counselor, so understand that. But if you look at the way the scholars generally derive the spirit of the sunnah in this regard, and the spirit of what those emotional needs are, when they spoke about it in the context of men, they spoke about it in the context of a need for respect. When they spoke about it in the context of women, they spoke about it in the context of a need for love. That's not something that's unique to Islam. If you read in the Bible, in Ephesians 5.33, which is one of the letters of Paul, it says, however, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Shanti Feldhahn, who is a Harvard researcher, she wrote a lot of those books on women only, for women only and for men only. She wrote that a man's highest need is to feel respect, whereas a woman's highest need is to feel love. That doesn't mean that a man does not need love, or a woman does not need respect, because you often can't arrive at those two things without the other. But that greater need. What happens if you look at the hadith of the Prophet, and how he encourages it, he encourages that treatment within that spirit as well. Don't kill the ihsan of the other person. Don't kill the excellence or the capability of the other person.
So if you tell a man who thinks he's trying his best, and is making some mistakes along the way, I've never seen anything good from you, you know what he's going to do? Stop trying. You know what? Fine. I'm never shown appreciation for when I get it right, or I think I got it right. I thought that this toaster was a brilliant gift idea. So I did my best, and it's not the best gift wrap, but I did put scotch tape on it, and drew a heart on it. Don't ever do that, by the way. But if a man tries and feels like that effort is not being respected or appreciated, then he's just going to quit. Kills the ihsan. And then at the same time, when it comes to a woman, if love is not shown, if that attention is not shown, then eventually, in regards to the love from her side, diminishes as well towards the man. Everyone, as a complex human being, has greater requirements of certain things because of their upbringing, because of their social experiences, and so many other things. But the Prophet, Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, when he spoke in that language of respect and love, he's not alone in speaking of it in those terms because clearly that's something that's recognized in other systems as well, that it generally falls within those two categories, and then trying your best to treat the other person as you wish to be treated. So I think I dodged most bullets here. I think I offered enough disclaimers and qualifications. See how the Q&A goes. Jazakumullah khairan. So the question of work, is it in a man's right to demand that his wife does not work if it's not going to interfere with duties? I'm going to address it from the spirit of the Sunnah of the Prophet, Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, and how we address this from a contractual perspective.
One of the biggest issues that we have is that we don't have these discussions before we get married often. There are certain discussions that are to be had before marriage. What are the expectations? What are the things that you're supposed to do? What role do you envision for your spouse in these types of things? So what often happens is that a technicality is employed later on. Obviously, in this situation, this is something where a hakim, where an arbitrator is brought in, and the expectations are discussed from beforehand. You try to come to some sort of reasonable agreement or some sort of reasonable negotiation. But those are things that should be discussed before the marriage contract. If they're not discussed before the marriage contract, then once the marriage contract takes place, then an arbitrator should be brought in to discuss a reasonable arrangement. Yeah? Very simple. Find me, first and foremost, one narration where the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam ever hit his wives. And in fact, you find the opposite, where Aisha radiallahu anha says the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam never hit a woman. And the second thing is, find me one narration of a sahaba taking a siwak and popping his wife with a siwak. So there were symbolic tafasir that mentioned the most that you could do. And you've got to understand, think about that society of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. Hitting and beating is the norm. Domestic violence, you're coming from a society where public beating, publicly beating your spouse was a norm. So when you have a tafasir which mentions that it could not even exceed the tap of a siwak as discipline,
it doesn't mean literally the next time you have an argument, take a siwak and do this. It was meant to emphasize that there should be no harm. La darara wa la dirar wa la tadribu hunna. Don't hurt them, do not abuse them, do not do these types of things. The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, his character was the Quran. And one of the most, I think sometimes we have to look at the sunnah and we have to look at where the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam reached in a marriage. With Hafsa, the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam reached the point of divorce. He did reach the point of divorce in the authentic hadith of Abu Dawud. He actually issued the first talaq. He never hit her. If it was some sort of divine mandate that you get to that point where you got to actually hit, like physically hit somebody, then he would be betraying his own message for not doing that, right? So you have to look at it in the spirit of the sunnah. So no, no companion, not a single, and not that I'm aware of, there's no narration of a companion actually hitting his wife with a siwak or in accordance with some sort of understanding of the law. Yeah. So again, in the spirit of the sunnah, you try to understand what is the emotional benefit of this, or what is the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam trying to protect from in regards to dispute. So obviously, getting too close to someone that the husband doesn't like sometimes, and that's something I'd recommend both ways. No other person is worth your marriage. No other person is worth your marriage.
We're talking about family and we're talking about people that you've got to negotiate. If we're talking about just an overly controlling spouse where it's like you can't be friends with anybody, then those are different situations. But if your spouse really doesn't like somebody, it's better to preserve and to prioritize the relationship of the marriage. It doesn't mean you've got to go say, like, hey, I'm not going to talk to you anymore because my husband doesn't like you. I'm not going to talk to you anymore because my wife doesn't like you. That means that you can observe a healthy distance for the sake of showing that ihsan to your marriage. I know that sounds like really – it might sound wrong, but, I mean, it's just real. And that goes both ways, husband and wife, that sometimes you should be willing to step away from someone, at least when it's excessive or when you're going above and beyond in that bonding. Unless, again, if you've got an overly controlling spouse that's trying to isolate you from everybody, then that's when, again, you bring somebody in and that's going too far because that's not bil ma'ruf, that's not reasonable anymore. I'll share with you an incident, subhanAllah, it's very – it's from the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ. The Prophet ﷺ was married to Umm Habibah, who was the daughter of Abu Sufyan, who was one of the greatest enemies of the Prophet ﷺ. And Abu Sufyan is trying to kill the Prophet ﷺ and he's married to his daughter. When Abu Sufyan came to Medina and saw his daughter, Umm Habibah, after all these years, she was sitting in the home and she was sitting on a hasiyyat, which was like the mat where they used to sleep on. So when he entered into the house, she folded the hasiyyat – you can imagine there's space for two on it – she got up and she folded it and she sat back on it. And he said, are you really – you don't want me to sit next to you? And she said, you're not worthy of sitting on the same spot that the Prophet ﷺ sits on.
I mean that was – now your dad is not Abu Sufyan fighting the Prophet ﷺ when he was an enemy of the Prophet ﷺ, but I'm just talking about the spirit of that, right? Like the Prophet ﷺ didn't tell her to do that. That was an extra level of respect and also sending a message to her dad who was trying to kill the Prophet ﷺ. But it's just an incident that I think of when I think of that as well, because a lot of times these things sound very – like it's a custom, right? So what do you mean letting someone in the house? You think about letting someone in the house at that time. A house is not usually that big, right? You're letting someone into your private life. So you take it back into – you're letting someone into our lives. All right? So that's something that should not be done if a person feels particularly strongly about this third party in that regard. Yeah. Of course. So the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ where he mentions the woman who enters into hellfire because of her abusiveness to her neighbors. The person enters hellfire for their abusiveness to their neighbors. What then of someone in the house who has more rights upon you than your neighbors? And this is in general all the ahadith of Ihsan. There are some people that are so outward looking of their house. They show – like they're such great friends but they're terrible husbands or terrible wives or terrible fathers, terrible mothers.
Just on the outside, just so giving and loving and it's like why does that get put on the shelf? Why do you spend all that emotional capital outside and then come home and have nothing left to give? That happens sometimes with people. So all the ahadith and the ayats and everything that talks about the goodness that you're supposed to show to someone on the outside of your home is amplified within the home. Amplified within the home. And so the severity of abuse outside of the home is amplified within the home as well. Allah hafiz. Yeah. Of course. Absolutely. All right. I'm going to take questions privately now or I'll take your question last. All right. Correct. Oftentimes the arbitrator does more harm than good. So there are two things to take into consideration with the arbitrator. Number one, there has to be agreement from both of the spouses on who this person is going to be and as much as it can be. Number two, that person should speak from a place of ilm, from a place of knowledge and have knowledge to be able to diagnose the situation, not from some cultural context or a personal inclination. And thirdly, if it's really, I mean, going to a professional is always the best thing to do.
So if someone has professional credentials in counseling or marriage counseling, whatever they may be, that's always going to be the best thing to do. And it depends on the severity of the dispute. Sometimes it's not, it doesn't reach that level, but sometimes it does, often it does. You know, the time the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and Aisha radiallahu anha had an argument and, you know, the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam suggested an arbitrator in that particular argument. We don't even know what the argument is because of how the hadith pans out. So she says, okay, fine. The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam says, do you want to pick? She said, no, you pick. So the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said, what about Abu Ubaidah al-Jarrah, you know, who's the ameen of this ummah, he's the trustworthy one of this ummah, you know, someone that we can love. And she said, no, no, because he might be too inclined towards you. So he said, you pick. And eventually they settled on her father, but her father is Abu Bakr. All right, so Abu Bakr, like, she's like, all right, well, he's my dad, so he's going to be on my side. But at the same time, he's Abu Bakr al-Siddiq. So Abu Bakr comes and sits down, and, you know, the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam says to Aisha radiallahu anhu, do you want to start? She says, no, you start. So I can, you know, hear your story and poke holes if I need to or see what you're saying. Abu Bakr radiallahu anhu got up and was angry at Aisha. Wait, are you accusing the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam of lying here? So the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam gets up in front of Aisha and sends Abu Bakr out of the house and says, we didn't call you to come yell at her or to get involved in this. And then he says to Aisha, you see, I saved you from your dad. And they start laughing, and subhanallah, as they're laughing, Abu Bakr radiallahu anhu knocks on the door. He said, you know, you guys involved me in your hardship, and you involve me in your laughter as well. Like, can I be involved in your happy times as you involve me in your sad times? So we don't even know how the argument panned out or what it was about in the first place. But the point is, is that the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam understood, okay, who that person is, is very important as well.
If the person is just being brought in to validate one side, then it's often not going to lead to any sort of productive solution. All right, I'll take questions on a personal level if anyone has questions on a personal level. I'm telling you all from now, and this is off camera, but just so you all know because you regularly attend, I don't think there's going to be class next week, and I can't tell you why. You'll figure out next week, inshallah to Allah. Don't worry, I'm not planning anything crazy. I didn't say this online, but there's a great probability, so just follow the app, if you will, inshallah to Allah. Also, this weekend, the Khayas al-Qadi is going to be in town teaching Denial, the Tafsir of Surah Rahman, Surah Yasin. So you can sign up at maghrib.org.daws or get more information on the outside, inshallah to Allah. So follow the app and online. I'll post as well a few hours before if there's going to be class next week or not. But there will definitely be class the week after, inshallah. Jazakumullah khayran, wa subhana wa ta'ala.
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