Keys to Prophetic Parenting
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Key #4: Manners | Keys to Prophetic Parenting
Parents often communicate rules and expectations to their children using verbal commands. But, as Sh. Ibrahim Hindy explains, these rules mean very little to children if the parents do not embody the values they are preaching.
Discover the greatest gift you can give your child and how you can be the best role model for them in our 4th episode of Keys to Prophetic Parenting.
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. We all know as Muslims, we have an obligation to teach our children manners and morals. Without teaching our kids manners and morals, we are setting them up to fail at being good Muslims. Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala tells us in the Qur'an, Ya ayyuhal lazeena aamanu qoo anfusakum wahleekum naara O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from the fire. We have to protect our children, not only from the harms of this world, but from the fire of the next world. And we can do that by helping teaching them how to uphold manners and behaviors of a good Muslim. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam said, akrimu awladakum wa ahsinoo adabahum Be kind to your children and perfect their manners. Be kind to your children, be honorable to them, treat them with kindness and mercy and compassion. We spoke already about the importance of compassion in the relationship between child and parent in the previous video. And then the Prophet says, wa ahsinoo adabahum And perfect their manners. Teach them, discipline them so that they understand proper morals and manners of a believer. This is actually a really profound hadith because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam begins with akrimu awladakum, be kind, honor them, before he says ahsinoo adabahum, discipline them, perfect their manners. One of the biggest mistakes that a lot of parents make is that they begin with the rules. You must do X, you can't do Y. Before beginning with a focus on your relationship with the child. If we start with the rules, whether it's a chart to follow or a timeout if you do X, Y and Z, when we focus on that instead of the relationship, the child will interpret the rules as being arbitrary. And when they think that they are arbitrary, there's almost an incentive for them to challenge the validity of the rules that you have set upon them. And in this hadith, it's really important because it mirrors what a lot of research is saying. Your relationship with your child has to precede rule setting, has to precede limit setting
and discipline. So the Prophet says, honor your child, be kind to them, then he says, discipline them and perfect their manners. So how do we set up rules with our children in a way that is not seen by the child as being arbitrary? The rules need to have an inner sense of grounding in that you are not just creating random rules for the child to follow, but that you as a parent actually believe these rules and strive to follow them yourself. Your embodiment to the expectations that you have on your children, the manners and the behaviors that you want to instill in them, that is what gives those expectations and rules value for your child. To say it a different way, your children will follow you with their eyes far more than they will follow you with their ears. You can tell them all day and night what you expect them to do. You can tell them the rules and the limits that you expect. You can tell them about the chores you want them to do. You can tell them about the manners you want them to carry. But if they cannot see you with their eyes, that you have embodied these expectations yourself, they will not follow you. So I'll say it again, your children will follow you with their eyes far more than they follow you with their ears. And this concept that parents need to model proper behavior, that children need their parents as role models, it is an incredibly important idea within the Qur'an and Sunnah. For instance, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala mentions a dua in the Qur'an where he says, وَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَالِحًا تَرُضَاهُ وَأَصْلِحْنِي فِي ذُرْيَتِي He says, Oh Allah, allow me to do good things that you will be pleased with and allow my children to be righteous. Look at the arrangement here. Oh Allah, allow me to do good that you will be pleased with. Allow me to do good deeds, to pray, to fast, to give to others, to be good to my parents, etc. etc. Then he says, وَأَصْلِحْنِي فِي ذُرْيَتِي Make my children righteous. Why? Because when you are doing good, when you are the one doing the good deeds, your children will be drawn to that. They will see it and they will follow it.
So it is logical to begin by modeling good behavior and good manners and morals ourselves for our children to then be able to follow suit. If we tell our kids not to smoke, but then we smoke ourselves, they aren't likely to follow us. If we tell them not to spend so much time watching TV, but then we watch a ton of TV ourselves, they aren't likely to follow us. They see what we do and they follow our example. وَالَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْلَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَاتِنَا قُرَّةَ عَيُّنَ Allah says the dua, those who say, our Lord, grant us from amongst our spouses and offspring a comfort to our eyes. وَجَعَنَّا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامَهَا Then they say, and make us an example for the righteous. Notice they are asking Allah to make their children the comfort to their eyes, to be a relief for them. What greater relief is there than our children being good Muslims? But look at the way they end the dua, by saying what? وَجَعَنَّا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامَهَا Make us an example for the righteous. Why is this part of the dua about our children and spouses? Because if we model the behaviors of the righteous, if we become imams of taqwa, leaders of righteousness, they too will follow our example. Because of this, the great scholar Sa'eed ibn al-Musayyib, rahimahullah, was noticed to increase his prayer when his son was present. When he was asked about this he said, because I know my son is watching me, and so I want to perfect my prayer. He wants to model the best behavior knowing his child will be drawn to how he acts as a parent. One of the scholars of the salaf said a beautiful statement as well. لِيَكُنْ أَوَّلْ إِصْلَاحَكَ لِبَنِيكِ إِصْلَاحُكَ لِنَفْسِكَ Let your first act of discipline for your child be your rectification of yourself. فَإِنَّ عُيُوبَهُمْ مُعَقَّدَةٌ بِعُيُوبِكَ Because their flaws are tied to your flaws. They are knotted up with your flaws. فَالْحَسْنُ عِنْدَهُمْ مَا فَعَلْتُ وَالْقَبِيحُ مَا تَرَكْتُ What they see as good is what you have done, and what they see as evil is what you have abandoned. Your children are learning how to be human beings by watching you.
They understand the very nature of good and evil from us. They learn manners and behaviors from us. If you eat your vegetables, they see it and they think it's normal. If you wear a seatbelt when you drive your car, they see it, now they think it's normal. If you pray, they think that's normal. If you fast, they think that's normal. They've learned all of that from us. Even the way we deal with ourselves is something that children observe and learn from. If we are always putting ourselves down, if we engage in negative self-talk, saying, Oh, I'm so bad at this. Oh, I'm not good. Oh, bad things are going to happen to me. Your kids will see that and think that that's normal too. And if they see us handle difficult situations gracefully, not beating ourselves up over past misfortunes, they'll learn to be kind to themselves too. Our behavior around our children has far-reaching impact, which goes way beyond their childhood and their teenage years. Studies show that men are more likely to marry women who carry the characteristics shared by their mothers, and women are more likely to marry men who mirror the behaviors of their fathers. What we do is an impact that goes deep into the lives of our children. This is why the Prophet ﷺ said, ما نحل والد ولدا من نحل أفضل من الأدب الحسن. He said, no parent has gifted their child with anything more virtuous than good manners. There's no better gift, not millions of dollars or houses that you leave them in inheritance. There's no better gift that a parent can give their child than the gift of good manners that you model for them throughout your life. What are some keys that can help us become good role models for our kids? Number one, be your best self. Strive to be the best person, the best Muslim that you can be, especially in front of your children. Strive to pray your best, fast your best, be charitable, be kind, be moral, be honest in your life, and certainly with your children. Number two, take care of yourself. To be your best, you need to get enough sleep, you need to eat healthy, you need to exercise.
You're not going to have the energy and drive to be your best and manage your emotions properly in front of your kids if you're not taking care of yourself. The Prophet said in one hadith, وَلِبَدَنِكَ عَلَيْكَ حَقَّ Your body has a right over you. He says in another hadith, وَلِوَلَدِكَ عَلَيْكَ حَقَّ Your children have a right over you. And so give your body its rights just like we need to give our children and our family their rights as well. Number three, try again. We're human beings, we make mistakes. We, no matter how much we strive to be our best self, sometimes we're going to fall short of the manners and morals we want our kids to assume. Don't think, oh, I messed up, I used bad language. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. They already heard me saying it. No, keep trying to be your best. Even if you fail, your children will see your effort. They will see your commitment. They will see you trying to be your best. And eventually down the road, they'll know that they need to keep trying even if they too sometimes fail from time to time. May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala make us excellent role models for our children. Ameen.
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