Khutbahs
56 / 217
Friends That Hold You Back | Khutbah by Dr. Omar Suleiman
No matter what stage of life you are in, the company you keep will inevitably affect you in some way. What is the difference between an inspiring friend, and a friend who holds you back?
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. Dear brothers and sisters, in this period of isolation, where we have had a chance to reassess so much about our lives, one of the discussions that has frequently been brought up is the role of relationships in our lives. Human connection in our lives. The way that families have been, obviously, separated and distant from one another. There are friends, maybe, that you had not seen for an entire year or year and a half. Friends, maybe, that even passed away in this time of isolation. But you had this opportunity to really take a step back and to reassess. In a time where people were moved from the public space to the private space, you reassess how much the public influence got to you and in what ways, and how much you're able to generate or what you've been missing out on in your private spaces. And subhanAllah, when we talk about friends, often, at least in my experience, the recent years' discussions about friends usually are when you're talking to young people. You're talking to teenagers about friends, you're talking to kids about friends, the importance of good friends, avoiding bad friends. But one of the things that fascinates me is that when you look through the books of Tazkiyah, the books of spirituality, this is not an age discussion. This is not an age-specific discussion. It's not a discussion that applies to one group of people. Because the only thing that changes with age are the dynamics of friendships, but the idea of friendship is still very much there. Nor do we find that the Prophet ﷺ, who you can often derive by the way that he addressed the people who he was speaking to, nor do we find the Prophet ﷺ speaking to only one group of people. Rather, we find the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ, المرء على دين خليلي
that verily a person is on the religion of their friends. فلينظر أحدكم من يخالص So let one of you pay very close attention to who they take as a friend. And by the way, if a person is on the religion of their friends, what then of their spouses? Okay, the idea of influence and someone that you're going to spend a lot of time with. And unfortunately for many people, they marry for reasons outside of these things and they try to fit in the deen, fit in the character and everything else. If what makes you a pleasing person in the sight of Allah ﷻ is deen and khuluq, religion and character, and those are the two most fundamental things you look for in a spouse, that is because ultimately you want someone who's also going to rub off on you in regards to their religion and in regards to their character. So a khalil is someone who's a very close friend. And the ulema talk about this in multiple ways. They say the best relationship, the best relationship is the one that's initiated في طاعة الله is the one that's initiated in the remembrance of Allah ﷻ. And it may be in fact that two people who have absolutely nothing else in common come together on the basis of their love of Allah ﷻ and their passion for the deen. And that is the means by which not only they enter into Jannah, but by which they are envied by the prophets on the Day of Judgment. Because the Prophet ﷺ said that those who love each other for the sake of Allah ﷻ on the Day of Judgment have these manabir of nur, these pulpits of light. Everyone admires these pulpits of light. They're in the shade of Allah's throne. Why? Because friendship is precious. And it was initiated only upon their love for Allah ﷻ. They came together on the basis of that love of Allah. They parted from one another on the basis of that love of Allah ﷻ. It's the best friendship. It is the friendship that we find Musa ﷺ speaking to Allah ﷻ,
asking Allah for Harun ﷺ. Harun was already his brother. But he asked Allah ﷻ to appoint him to share the task with him. اشتد به ازري واشتركه في امري كي نسبحك كثيرا ونذكرك كثيرا انك كنت بنا بصيرا I'll strengthen my resolve. We'll strengthen each other's resolve. Because sometimes when you have a righteous companion, when you have a righteous friend, and your own resolve starts to wither, maybe you're not even recognizing it, that person pushes you and pushes you and pushes you. So we'll remember you frequently together. We'll pray to you frequently together. We'll carry this amanah, this trust of religion together. Oh Allah, this da'wah together. So that is the most ideal relationship. And it's the beauty of the relationship of the sahaba. What puts an Abu Bakr and an Ibn Mas'ud, may Allah be pleased with them, in the same room together? What puts Umar and Bilal, may Allah be pleased with them, in the same room together to become the best of friends? What puts these people in the same room together? Except for the love of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And that pursuit of Allah's pleasure. And so the best relationship is the one that's initiated for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and nourished with the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, for the sake of Allah. The worst relationship is the one that's initiated in evil. Right? And a bad relationship, and this is something that's very important, as Imam al-Ghazali rahim Allah points out, something that started in evil, rarely can be rectified to good. Started a relationship for the wrong reasons, it leads you to the disobedience of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, that's rarely gonna get better. Right? Those are the relationships that you just have to move on from. Then there's something very insightful that he says. Most relationships that we have, are either relationships that we didn't really choose, they're relationships of convenience or circumstance. So for example, you know, friends, close friends, someone of the same age,
at some point went to school with this person, we were here, we were there, communities came together. So they're relationships that were kind of forced upon us in a way. Right? And especially family relationships. Or the second one, relationships on the basis of interest. Okay? Not riba, interest as in, you know, like-mindedness and things of that sort. Now the problem comes where, when your interests change, and you want to get closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and if you put too much currency in the friendships that were on the basis of interest, or the basis of whatever it may be, there's something that's been developed through these bonds at this point, it's hard to walk away from those friendships, or at least to moderate them. You don't find that when the sahaba became Muslim, they went to all of their old friends and said, I'm not talking to you anymore, salam alaikum, I've got to pursue Jannah now. Right? If anything, there was da'wah, calling people to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, but there are relationships that even remained, between some of the non-believers that were not hostile, and some of the Muslims, the believers at the time, that even remained. Right? And at some point became relationships that were fruitful, because they bore the fruit of Islam, and those friendships, and those families as well. But you start to try to make a change, and you kind of feel shackled, because I don't know how to start letting this go, I don't know how to start hanging out a little bit less, I don't know how to break the mold of culture. You know, peer pressure, when you are younger, friendship when you're younger, the pressure that comes when you're younger, again, this is an age-specific discussion, is more about individual expectations, and trends, and clicks, and the worry of being blamed. When you get older, right? It's also clicks and expectations, and it's like, I've got to do parties the way my friends do their parties, we've got to gather the way they gather, we've got to talk the way they talk, those types of things. But it's more of the fear of loneliness, and, you know, losing out on your friends. You don't go to school anymore, and make friends the way that you typically make friends.
Here's what happens though. What is consistent throughout, is that the influence that your circles have on you, is inevitable, and not easily detectable. Every single person that you spend an extended amount of time with, influences you, whether you like it or not, whether you deny it or not. And in ways that you can't even connect, or detect. Right? You start talking the same way sometimes, you start, you know, making the same jokes, you start being able to predict what that person's going to say, and what that person can predict what you're going to say to an extent, there is an influence, your character starts to change, your standards start to change, the things that you see as objectionable or not objectionable, praiseworthy or not praiseworthy, that all is going to impact you, whether you like it or not, whether you're 17 years old, or whether you are 70 years old. Your group will rub off on you, and it's not about whether or not it will rub off on you, it's about the extent to which you let that rub off on you. Okay? And that's why there's a saying, a sahibu sahib, a sahib, a companion, is a sahib, someone who drags you, imma ilal jannah wa imma ilal nar, either drags you to paradise, or drags you to hellfire. Literally, the Prophet ﷺ said, you will be resurrected with the people that you love. The people you hang out with, are those the people you hope to be around on Yawm al Qiyamah? Are those the people you hope to show up on the Day of Judgment standing with you? That you think will have the best chance of making an argument for you? Or are you going to say, oh God, I hope, I'm going to pretend I don't know this person. Who do you want around you on the Day of Judgment? That's who you should be around in this dunya. Who do you want around you on the Day of Judgment? Now, the influence is subtle. And the Prophet ﷺ talks about these subtleties, right? Where the famous example of a person who sells musk, and if you don't purchase, a good friend is like a person who sells musk, even if you don't purchase their product, their inventory, they're going to rub off on you,
and you're going to smell good. Likewise, you have the opposite of that, an evil friend, a blacksmith, right? Just think about a smoker, right? No offense to the smokers here, but smoking is haram. Alright, someone smokes cigarettes and you're around smoking second-hand smokers, the smoke gets on you, you start to smell nasty, right? Even if you did not smoke the cigarettes yourself, right? There's something that happens to you in the process of all of this, right? So here's what the Prophet ﷺ teaches us to make of all of that. And here's where we come to our ulama of how to make things of that. Imam al-Shafi'i, rahimahullah ta'ala, he says, أُحِبُّ الصَّالِحِينَ وَلَسْتُ مِنْهُمْ I love the righteous even though I don't really consider myself to be amongst them. Meaning, you know what, when I hang out with the ulama, and I hang out with the righteous people, I don't feel like I'm at their level. I feel like they're better than me. لَعَلِّي أَنْ أَنَالَ بِهِمْ شَفَاعًا Not only will I hope that their character will rub off on me, but I hope on the Day of Judgment I would have their intercession. وَأَكْرَهُ مَنْ تِجَارَتُهُ الْمَعَاصِ And I hate the one who trades in evil. وَإِن كُنَّا سَوِيًا فِي الْبِضَاعَةِ Even if I feel like we have the same inventory. I don't like people that trade in evil even if I feel like we trade in the same inventory. So I love those who trade in good inventory, hoping that they'll rub off on me, and they'll remember me on the Day of Judgment and testify for me. And I don't like those who trade in evil because I'm afraid that, you know, even though we might have the same inventory, those are not the people that I want to be around on the Day of Judgment. Hence, Imam bin Ata'illah rahim Allah ta'ala talks about this powerful way of approaching friendship. Do you want a friendship that's just halal? People around you that simply don't make you do haram? Alhamdulillah, the best types of, you know, the best types of journeys and people that you can be around, people that won't make you sin.
You can enjoy what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has allowed you to enjoy, and you're not going to sin. That's a good step. But to befriend people who actually inspire you with their very being. They inspire you with their halal. He said, rahim Allah ta'ala in his hikm, in his wisdoms, لا تصحب ما لا ينهضك حاله ولا يدلك على الله مقاله Don't hang out with people whose hal, whose state does not inspire you. The state should be an inspiring state. There should be something about their character that you can identify, something about their state that you want to rub off on you. If you can't identify it, then it's probably not the greatest friendship. Especially if you can identify a bad trait, that maybe I backbite more, maybe I gossip more when I'm around this person. I just, things flow easier. No, someone whose state inspires you. And someone whose words direct you towards Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Either they remind you of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala by remembering Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala themselves and injecting the remembrance of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in your gatherings, or they are not afraid to remind you of Allah when they see you distancing yourself from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Some people in the name of friendship will support you by praising you when you're distancing yourself from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. They'll tell you, you do you. They'll tell you, good for you. They'll tell you, you're this, you're that. I love you, this, that. Which is great to say I love you, right, at all times. But, أُنصُرْ أَخَاكَ ظَالِمًا وَمَظْلُومًا The Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam said, support your brother when he wrongs and when he is wronged. How do you support him when he's wronging? Stop him. You love that person, you're going to tell them when they're going far away, when they're distancing themselves. Now, of course, if that person themselves is far away, then who are they to tell you that you're going far away?
They don't recognize it in themselves. Why would they recognize it in you? So, someone whose hal is there, who is at a station that is better than you in this regard, and someone who will tell you when you are departing from your stated claim, where you want to be. Not someone who's going to congratulate you, not someone who's going to support you in your haram, not someone who's going to tell you, hey, you know what, you know, I understand that it's been a rough time. No, someone out of love for you that will have that tough conversation for you. Because they love you more than they love your friendship. That's true love. They love you more than they love your friendship. So, they're willing to have those conversations with you, even if that means that it's going to compromise the friendship. They will not be supporters in evil. But instead, they will be allies for your absolute akhira, what you are seeking in the hereafter. He goes on to continue to say in his hikm, he says, رُبَّمَا كُنتَ مُسِيئًا فَأَرَاكَ الْإِحْسَانَ مِنكَ سُحْبَتُكَ مَنْ هُوَ أَسْوَأُ حَالًا مِنكَ You might be a person who is completely away from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. But you see yourself as a muhsin. You see yourself as a person who excels, a good doer. Why? Because you're with someone who's in a worse state than you. And so you see virtue in yourself. That's a powerful idea. If you're around people with no standards, then your standards are going to fall. Your standards are going to fall. And then you're going to look at yourself and you say, maybe I'm not so bad. Right? I'm ahead of the game. Because if I compare myself to this group of people, then I see that I'm doing really good. I'm doing really well. So sahibul himmah, a person who has ambition to please Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala should surround himself with people of himmah. People who also have that ambition to please Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And to be intentional about forming those relationships.
And to not be shackled by the standards that have been set by previous friendships and previous relationships. And if you can't see the difference in your heart after being around someone who reminds you of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and being around someone who has no connection to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, then you're probably not being honest with yourself. If you don't see an actual difference in your heart and in your own hal, your own being, by just being around people who remind you of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala or being around people who remind you of the opposite. And so dear brothers and sisters, at the end of this all, one of the things that we learn from those that came before us is that our relationships are not just limited to those that are living. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam passed away from this world, he already established a relationship with us. He already established a relationship with us. He already talked about his love for us. Sometimes the relationship that you have with the people of the past, wallahi you could feel like they're your friends. You could feel like they're your companions. You read about great people and no greater people than the companions of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you might start feeling like you have a connection to them and that they're your own companions. They're your own friends. Sometimes those are the relationships that will get you through the hard times. Sometimes those are the relationships that will give you the nasiha, that will give you advice when you can't find any advisor amongst the ahya, amongst those that are alive around you. So, at ta'alluq bin nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam wa bi ashabihi, to connect yourself to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and to his companions, those who Allah is pleased with in hopes that even when I'm reading their stories, even from the books, their habits and their ways and their perceptions and their perspectives will rub off on me. And I'll start to find that that shifts my worldview as well and that that becomes my way as well. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala allow us to be amongst those that are positively influenced by those that inspire us
and that influence others and inspire them towards Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala allow us to abandon anything that is displeasing to him, abandon anything that serves as a barrier between us and him. And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala overlook our shortcomings and join us with the greatest companion from those that he has created, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and grant us his companionship, al-Rafiq al-A'la in Jannat al-Firdaus. Allahumma ameen. Ar-Rahman ar-Rahim. Allahumma annaka a'fuwwun kareemun tuhibbu al-a'fuwa fa'afuwa anna. Allahumma aghfir liwalidina. Rabbir hamhumma kama rabbawna sighara. Rabbana hablana min azwajina wa dhuriyatina qurrat a'ayun. Wa ja'alna lilmuttaqina imama. Allahumma ansur ikhwanan al-mustad'afina fee mashariqil-ard wa magharibiha. Allahumma ahlikil-dhalimina bil-dhalimin wa akhrijna wa ikhwanana min baynihim salimin. Ibadallahumma Allah ya'mru bil-adli wal-ihsan wa ita'idil-qurba wa yanha'an al-fahsha'i wal-munkari wal-baghiy.
Welcome back!
Bookmark content
Download resources easily
Manage your donations
Track your spiritual growth
1 items
1 items
1 items
25 items
50 items
9 items
