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What Do You Do When You Can’t Save Your Loved One? | Attaching to Allah - Episode 6

It can be painful to see someone you love going down the wrong path. It can be worse to realize that all your efforts in saving them aren’t working. There are also times when you may lose yourself in that process and in the feelings of guilt that come with it. But it can be comforting to realize that this is not a new feeling: the Prophet ﷺ and every Companion had someone they wished they could save but were unable to. This is how they dealt with it.

Tune in with Dr. Omar Suleiman, Ustadha Sarah Sultan and guests for episode 6 of Attaching to Allah, Yaqeen Institute's 2022 Dhul Hijjah Series.

Download the full list of du'as from the series.

Transcript

This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings.
I really didn't know my dad, but my images of him just are not well. When a person's dying of that, it's just in a lot of pain, and he's constantly spitting up blood and wanting to drink more alcohol. I didn't know what to do to comfort him or what to say. I didn't even know a person could drink themselves to death like that. I didn't know what to do. So it's one thing when you have someone to look forward to reuniting with, and this idea of righteous people that are looking forward to being in the company of the righteous, and that sort of being a means by which they continue to drive themselves with purpose. But in the case of the prophets and with Ibrahim A.S., that's not always the case. You have people that you wish you could save. And if you think about Ibrahim A.S., subhanAllah, even the imagery of it, his father was the one who was behind him being thrown into that fire.
His father ordered for the fire to be kindled, and then for him to be catapulted into it. And on the day of judgment, Ibrahim A.S. does not want to see his father thrown into a fire. He responds with kindness and love despite all that was done to him. He wishes he could save him. And you see it in the story of Ishaq and then the people of Lut, where the angels are on their way to destroy the people of Lut A.S. And he's given the Bushra, the glad tidings of Ishaq A.S., him and Sara. They've been waiting for this child. Thirteen years after Ismail, and now you have Ishaq, and when he asks the angels where they're going and when he finds out that they're on their way to destroy the people of Lut A.S., then suddenly he starts to argue with them on behalf of the people of Lut A.S. He's trying to save them, like the joy of having this child he's been waiting for his entire life, but he wants to save these people. That is the heart of a prophet, right? Prophets are empaths for the Akhira as well, for the hereafter as well, for people's dunya and for their Akhira, for their lives and for their afterlives. And they know of the afterlife what the average person does not know. They've seen what Allah has allowed them to see. And here they are arguing passionately to their people, for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and then on behalf of their people to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to save them. And I think that for many of us, we have to take a step back sometimes and remind ourselves this wasn't just the experience of multiple prophets, Ibrahim A.S., Nuh A.S., in a painful way with his own son, Ibrahim with his own father, but this was pretty much all of the companions of the Prophet S.A.W. Almost without exception, that they had someone that they wished they could save and they were not able to. In fact, Ali radiyaAllahu ta'ala Anhu, he says that the only companion whose entire
family became Muslim, parents, spouse, siblings, was Abu Bakr as-Siddiq radiyaAllahu ta'ala Anhu, that he's the only one who had that blessing of every single person in his family eventually becoming Muslim. Even the Prophet S.A.W. with Abu Talib. Painful painful painful moments where he wanted to save Abu Talib, but he couldn't. Innaka lantaahdi man ahbabt. You can't guide those who you want to guide. It's Allah who guides at the end of the day. Have any of you ever had that experience where you wanted to save someone so badly that you were investing your own emotional energy to where you're almost losing yourself in that process? I mean, I was much younger then and it would be my dad. My dad passed away when I was eight. He had cirrhosis of the liver. He was an alcoholic. We used to live in New York when my mom got remarried and came back to live with my grandmother. I really didn't know my dad, but my images of him just are not well. When a person's dying of that, it's just in a lot of pain and he's constantly spitting out blood and wanting to drink more alcohol. And I didn't know what to do to comfort him or what to say. I didn't even know a person could drink themselves to death like that. Unfortunately, but even being a kid and being of faith, I wasn't Muslim yet, but just praying to God that there was something I could do to help him see the error of his ways and come around from that. And so I always think if I had the ability to do something or to make an impact or always
pray to Allah, was there some reason that that happened when I didn't have any means or capability to step in? You always want to, that's the person if I could go back and do whatever I could to save, it would be him. Anyone else want to share? I don't think I have a specific person, but I've been able to have opportunities to do a lot of work with the youth. And the youth, they're at such a young, vulnerable age and they have, inshallah, they have so much more of their life to grow into themselves as personally, mentally, spiritually, and you always have concerned parents. They come up to me and be like, how do I get them to love Allah? How do I get them to love spending time with the Quran or praying? And at that moment, you want to give so much of yourself to make sure that they get on the right path. But sometimes when you give so much of yourself, there's burnout. There's those thoughts that you're not doing enough, even the results doesn't come out. And that's where you really have to put, trust in Allah that he's the only one that's able to guide. And sometimes parents say like, how do I raise my child to become like you? And you're just like, subhanAllah, the steps that we all probably had to go through and events in our lives to get to where we are. And the fact that we're still alive, that there's many more opportunities for us to mess up. There's many more opportunities for us to stray away. And there's also many more opportunities for us to stay on the right path.
And you wish the best for everybody in your life that you come across. And it's, you know, with Ibrahim alayhis salaam, you know, putting that trust in Allah that Allah knows what's best at the end of the day. You know, when you're looking through the stories of these prophets, and you're looking through the stories of these companions, one of the things you realize is that, you know, even the child of a prophet who is literally in the companionship of someone who's receiving revelation has to at some point make their heart fertile for that revelation. Like if that's not a sign that you can't force religion into someone else's heart, I don't know what is. Right? Living with someone who's receiving divine revelation and still not seeing it just shows you, you know, that everyone has their own journey and everyone has to turn their own heart back to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And one of the things that, you know, I often have to tell parents, especially parents dealing with their children who are making these mistakes, and sometimes the parents are hurting more than their children. Like, please, you know, and Allah talks about that painful experience. وَالَّذِي قَالَ لِوَارِدَيْهِ أُفٍّ لَكُمَا أَتَعِدَانِنِي أَنْ أُخْرَجْ وَقَدْ خَرَتِ الْقُرُونَ مِنْ قَبْرِي Allah gives us that example, that arrogant child that responds to their parents like, leave me alone. Leave me alone. Are you telling me about, you know, this is all fable. This is all, this is all just falsehood. These are stories. And people have come before me and nothing happened to them. وَقَدْ خَرَتِ الْقُرُونَ مِنْ قَبْرِي وَهُمَا يَسْتَغِيثَ عَنِ اللَّهِ وَيْلَكَ آمِنَ And like, Allah gives us the imagery. They're pleading with their children, please believe, believe, woe to you, believe. And the child continues to ignore. Now I think that it's important for us to humble ourselves to that experience.
And sometimes I have to tell parents that, look, your kids are going to have to make their own mistakes. And you're just going to have to be there for them when hopefully they realize that they're making a mistake and make sure that they know they can come back to you. And that really is one of those things where, you know, whether it's a close friend or a family member, you have to love them through their mistake without affirming them in their mistake and in their mistaken ways to let them know at some point, you know what, I can't stop you, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you to wake up. And when you wake up, you'll always have me there. And that's what Ibrahim A.S. does with his father, by the way. After his father threatens him, you know, Ibrahim A.S. gives him this beautiful reminder that you know, يَا أَبَتِي إِنِّي أَخَافُ عَلَيْكَ Oh my father, I'm worried about you. This isn't about me. أَيَمَسَكْ عَذَابٌ مِّنْ الرَّحْمَةِ That you'd be touched by punishment from the most merciful. فَتَكُونَ لِلشَّيْطَانِ وَلِيَنَ You end up being a companion of the shaitan. I don't want that to happen to you, oh my father. And when his father responds with basically a death threat, Ibrahim A.S. says سَلَامٌ عَلَيْكَ Peace be on to you. سَأَسْتَغْفِرُ لَكَ رَبِّي I'm going to go to my Lord and I'm going to keep seeking forgiveness for you. Like you just cut me off, but I'm not cutting you off. It's important for us to love people through their mistakes sometimes and to let them know I'll be there for you. But at the same time, sometimes they got to make those mistakes for themselves and you just hope that they'll be able to recover from it. And that that voice that you left them with and that care and that compassion, it sticks with them in those moments when they're away from you and hopefully brings them back. And there's one more dimension of this that I'll share. You know, we're taught to love the prophets more than we love ourselves. And that's a challenge, a daily challenge for the Muslim. Right? Like do you love him more than you even love yourself? وَذْكُرْ مُصَابَكَ فِي مَوْتِ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَامٌ
When you lose someone that's beloved to you, remember your tragedy and the death of the Prophet ﷺ. And there is no person who exemplified that more than Abu Bakr as-Siddiq radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu. And Abu Bakr, you know, his father was actually the last holdout. His father. Right? His mom became Muslim early on. His whole family, mashaAllah, becomes Muslim. But his father, all the way at Fath Makkah, you know, after this whole journey of hijrah and everything that Abu Bakr radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu experienced with the Prophet ﷺ, that whole history in Medina, finally at the very end, his father becomes Muslim. And his hair is all white and he's, you know, at the end of his life. And there's so much joy, right? But then Abu Bakr radiAllahu ta'ala Anhu is crying. Why is he crying? Because he's saying, I know how much the Prophet ﷺ wanted that for Abu Bakr. Like he felt almost guilty, like I'm getting to live this moment and I know how much the Prophet ﷺ wanted to have that moment with Abu Bakr. Which for us as believers, when we're going through that, whether it's with the relative that we wish would become Muslim or the person that we wish would become ta'ib, would turn back to Allah ﷻ. Like even the Prophet ﷺ, who we love more than ourselves, had to struggle with that moment. And sometimes we remind ourselves of our pain by comparing it to the pain that we feel when we think of the pain of our Prophet ﷺ as a means of putting our pain in perspective. That even the Prophet ﷺ had to struggle with that. And we're going to have those moments, but we pray that Allah ﷻ allow us to be sources of guidance for the people that we love. So Sister Sara, there is obviously a lot of sadness when you can't save someone that you love. But how do you deal with the emotion of guilt that you weren't able to save someone that you love?
It's one of the most difficult experiences and it's a very unique type of grief when you love somebody deeply, you care about them so deeply. And because you care about them and because you love them, you want to be able to save them. And you're unable to do that. It's a very heavy experience. One of the things that I think is most helpful is when you realize that the Rasul ﷺ used to constantly make du'a for something in particular. He used to always ask Allah ﷻ, يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِي عَلَى دِينِكَ And why did he ask Allah ﷻ for this du'a? That O Turner of Hearts, keep my heart firm on the deen, on the faith. And why did he ask for this? It's because he says that the hearts are between the fingers of Allah ﷻ and he changes them, he turns them in any way that he wills. And when we realize that, that the hearts are between the fingers of Allah ﷻ, we are able to relinquish some of that responsibility and some of that guilt that comes with it. It doesn't relinquish the sadness, it doesn't change the desire that we have for this person to be saved, but it takes some of the guilt away because we realize that it's not within our power. And the things that we as human beings tend to stress about the most are always the things that are outside of our control, always the things that we can't change. And so how do we channel this energy, right, and kind of challenge that feeling of guilt that we're struggling with is number one, like we said, remembering this, this fact that Allah ﷻ is in control of this. And then like we were seeing there is planting that seed, that that is our, that's our responsibility. You can't control a person's heart, but you can control your actions and your reactions and your relationship with that person to a certain extent.
And so being able to focus on that is incredibly powerful. And sometimes we realize that the impact of something doesn't show up right away, but it can show up so many years later. And even with the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, Allah ﷻ tells him that your job, your duty, if they turn away, your duty is only to share the message clearly. And that's our responsibility as well. And then finally, the other thing that's really within our control is prioritizing the relationship that we have with this person. That's a really, really big deal. And I think that a lot of times people really underestimate how impactful having a good relationship with somebody can be in working to guide them toward the path of Allah ﷻ. And so not with just the intention of preaching, but just with from that place of love and care and letting this person know that I care and love you deeply, that prioritization of the relationship can also be really transformational and can also help to alleviate some of that guilt and shaama. So has there ever been anyone that you wanted to save and you were able to not lose yourself in the process of trying to save? Please share with us a story below.
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