Trauma: Your Lord Has Not Forsaken You
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The Impact of Grief on Faith - Sarah Sultan | ISNACON 2019
Sarah Sultan introduces the concept of grief and discusses the impact that grief can have on faith.
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated using AI and may contain misspellings. Today we're talking about grief and the impact that grief can have on our faith and the way that grief can also be a source of trauma in some cases. The lecture, the talk today, our panel is entitled, I Should Have Gotten Over It By Now. And so I wanted to start, I briefly covered this if you were in the first talk, I briefly covered the different types of loss. Here, when we're talking about grief, typically, when we talk about grief, what is the type of loss that people normally view as synonymous with grief? Just call it out. Death. Death of a loved one, right? Not just death of anybody, but death of somebody that's close to our heart. That's what causes us to grieve, right? I want to expand that definition of loss a little bit to realize that we can grieve for things other than the death of a loved one. There's so many other losses that we experience on a daily basis and it hurts tremendously and we don't understand why. Because we're not taught that you can grieve if somebody hasn't died, right? And so the loss of a job, for example. If any of you experienced the recession several years back, so many people lost their jobs, right? So what happens when you lose your job, you lose financial stability, you might lose the home that you have established for your family, your children might lose the home that they've grown up in, they might have to change schools, they've lost their friends and things like that that are associated with that. A relationship. That's also an intense form of loss. Not the death of somebody that then ends the relationship, because in some ways, if you have a good relationship with someone and they pass away, right, that's incredibly painful because you miss them, right? But that connection still can remain in certain ways.
But when you lose a relationship with somebody that you care about and has meant so much to you, because let's say it was a marriage that ended up in divorce because a person has hurt you tremendously or has been abusive, a friend that has betrayed you that you fully trusted in every way and then that has ended, all of these are forms of loss that bring up similar feelings to the death of a loved one, but people just don't get why you're so upset and why you're so moved by it. Those are all different types of trauma that can really impact you. And when you don't identify it as grief, then you don't mourn, right? And you can't heal because you don't allow yourself to feel it because people make you assume that you shouldn't feel that, that it shouldn't be a big deal, right? So one of the ways that I think grief has a very profound impact on us and our lives is that it changes the view that we have of ourselves, right? So I brought up the example of an affair or an abusive situation. You start to, in a situation like that, you start to question yourself, right? Like, what was I thinking that made me think I could trust this person? I thought I had a good judge, like I was a good judge of character. I thought I had good judgment and suddenly now I'm doubting that. So that part of yourself all of a sudden is gone, right? If you're diagnosed with like an illness, like an autoimmune illness, right? Then all of a sudden the things that you used to be able to do so easily don't come easily anymore. That part of yourself feels like it's gone, right? So your perception of yourself and your identity changes and the other thing that can change too in this process is your perception of your faith and your relationship with Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala. And that can really feel horrible, right?
Like this is like the one thing that I wish I could hold on to and right now it's shaken, right? So with everything else that's tumultuous in your life, the one thing that you want to be consistent also isn't there, which is your connection with Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala and that's incredibly painful, right? So as Dr. Altaf was saying, grief is not an indication of your level of Iman, right? He gave a beautiful example of the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu alaihi wasalam who was what? The most beloved to Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala, the most perfect human being to walk the earth. And you know SubhanAllah, whenever I hear this hadith about how he grieved over the loss of his child and one of his companions came to him and was surprised and said, but you're weeping, right? Like I visibly see tears coming down your eyes. I think of the wisdom of him, like Dr. Altaf was saying, publicly mourning the loss of his son because it shows us that it's okay. And the Rasul Sallallahu alaihi wasallam says that the eyes grieve, right? The heart is saddened and hurt and in pain, but the tongue doesn't utter other than what's pleasing to Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala. We're not held accountable. Here the Rasul Sallallahu alaihi wasallam is telling us we're not held accountable for the tears that we shed. We're not held accountable for the shakiness that we feel in our hearts. We're held accountable for the things that we can control, which are what? Our limbs, like what we do with our limbs, where we go, what we do, you know, if you're hurting, you don't want to hurt somebody else and like smack people around or anything, obviously, right? And what you say with your tongue, that is something that's within your control, right? Even our thoughts, SubhanAllah, which is something that is within our control, like in therapy, that's what we work on, right? We work on helping people navigate their thoughts.
Even that we're not held accountable for. The Rasul Sallallahu alaihi wasallam told us that my ummah is not going to be held accountable for their passing thoughts, as long as they don't utter them or act upon them, right? So SubhanAllah, the example of the Prophet Yaqub alaihi wasallam, when his son, Yusuf, his beloved son, who's also a prophet alaihi wasallam, went missing, he cried until his eyes turned white with grief. He was blinded, SubhanAllah, because of how much he grieved for the loss of his son. And then we think that when people are not getting over it, that it's synonymous with them not having strong enough iman. That's like saying that Prophet Yaqub, audhubillah, didn't have strong enough iman. Of course he did. And so it's not an indication of our iman, right? And on top of it, if this was a problem, then wouldn't Allah Subhanu wa ta'ala have sent a verse of the Quran to Rasul Sallallahu alaihi wasallam and tell him to stop crying? But he didn't. He didn't reprimand the Rasul Sallallahu alaihi wasallam for it, right? So it doesn't indicate doubt or weakness in our hearts. So our emotions were created by Allah Subhanu wa ta'ala for a purpose. And so telling ourselves that we shouldn't feel something is denying a part of ourselves that Allah Subhanu wa ta'ala has created within us. You can't connect with Allah Subhanu wa ta'ala without feeling, right? And part of those feelings are sometimes the feelings are not always going to be good. It's just a part of who we are. So when we're saying that we shouldn't experience this, this is something called, it's a cognitive distortion or an unhealthy form of thinking. It's called should statements, right? So whenever you talk to yourself and you hear yourself saying, I should be more or I shouldn't do this or I must be this or whatever it is. Those are standards that we're often holding ourselves to that are often not realistic and demand a certain level of perfection that nobody can reach, right?
They're very rigid rules. And so it can be very unhealthy. So, you know, for example, somebody who's on a diet, right? I shouldn't have eaten that. This is why nobody's going to marry me. I must not be attracted enough because I shouldn't do this. Right. So these should statements that we all and I mean, who doesn't say these things, right? We all say it. We've been taught to say these things, right? Or, you know, parents should never yell at their kids. Sometimes I yell at my child. So I must be a bad mother. No, I mean, you know, like so these things are unrealistic expectations, right? Now, in terms of grief, we tell this to ourselves, too. I should have gotten over it by now. There must be something wrong with my iman. I must not be a good enough Muslim if I can't stop crying because I miss my dad or I can't stop crying because that friend utterly betrayed me. Right. There must be something wrong or even more. Sometimes we've heard like I, Allah just must hate me because I can't get over this. And I can't that means I can't be content with the decree of Allah, which you spiral and you spiral and you spiral. Right. And then we also do this to people. Right. Like, you know, your your best friend passed away a month ago. You should you should really be getting back on with it. You should be OK now. Right. Like we do it. And we try to placate people. Right. So when we hold ourselves or other people to these unrealistic standards of how we should feel or how they should feel, then we we expect a quick fix. And when we expect a quick fix, what do we do? We bury all of those emotions, because if we shouldn't be feeling them, then we have to get rid of them somehow. And then we don't allow ourselves to grieve properly, to heal properly. And that's where so many issues then start to develop. Right. The other thing that often people do that I just want to briefly mention, it's something called spiritual bypassing. Have any of you guys heard of that phrase? Raise hands. Anybody heard of spiritual bypassing? Just very few.
OK, well, I'm glad I'm mentioning it. OK, spiritual bypassing is where you use religious ideas and practices to avoid facing distress or help somebody try and, quote unquote, help somebody avoid facing distress. So that would be something like, oh, you're feeling sad. You should just pray. You should just pray. Or have you really tried reading the Quran or just just turn to Allah, just turn to Allah. And it's going to be it's going to be OK. There is relevance in the encouragement. Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la tells us that prayer brings us brings us ease, that if we if we are thankful to him, he's going to give us more. There is absolutely relevance for this. But there's a time and place. And when somebody has just lost somebody or somebody is grieving, the idea of telling them you should probably pray more. It's not the best time because what happens then? This person starts to think, oh, on top of their worry of the person they just lost or whatever they're going through, their job that they just lost on top of that worry, they're thinking, oh, am I not praying enough? Is that why I'm feeling this way? Does is Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la upset with me? And that's why these emotions are not going away. Right. And so what happens is now there's another problem that's added on top of it, where now they're wondering if they're not a good Muslim anymore. And when they're struggling that much, do you think them thinking that they're not a good Muslim, do you think that's going to bring them closer to Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la or further away? Further away. Right. So there's a time for this. There's a time for that. So we don't want to push people to question their relationship with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la during a time when they should be encouraged to turn to him for comfort and support. You can't turn to somebody for comfort and support if you're feeling guilty that you're not doing enough for them. Right. And so that brings us to the idea of, OK, well, what's healthy guilt? Because there is healthy guilt.
That we should hold ourselves accountable if we're not doing if we're if we're not worshiping Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la in the way we want to be, if we're not being the way we want to be in our relationship with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la, we want to hold ourselves accountable to that and work on it. But then there's shame, which is different than healthy guilt. Shame. Healthy guilt is OK. I'm not I'm feeling guilty because of a behavior, something I'm doing or not doing. Shame is I'm feeling this way because there's something inherently wrong with me. Right. So in when we're telling people to go and turn to Allah when they're already trying to do that, it brings up feelings of shame where they feel like they're inadequate and unworthy of the love and support of Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. And that's something that can happen to so many of us in these types of circumstances. So I'm going to give you an example of two different ways this can manifest. Right. So healthy guilt would be an example like, perfect, would be an example like, you know, I've been feeling so down lately, so I just really struggle to get out of bed and pray. Like I've missed so many prayers and I just I feel so badly about it. And so I know that if I just get up and just do one, then I'm going to feel good about having done an obligation to Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la and that's going to make me feel maybe just that much slightly better. That's healthy guilt. You're holding yourself accountable like, oh, I really wish that, you know, I was doing my prayers, taking a step toward Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la because of that guilt. Shame is I've just been so down lately that I can't get up to pray. I'm just a horrible person. Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la must hate me. So what's the point anyway? Shame takes you further away from Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. So we want to be really careful in the way that we the way that we deal with that. So in the last few minutes that I have, I just want to emphasize that when a little
bit of the brain stuff, because I really I really like that and I feel like it brings something for people to consider that when we are mourning the loss of somebody or we've gone through something traumatic. Right, a lot of times people tell us that we should get over it and or they tell us that, you know, you just just pray, just pray and it'll it'll be done. And again, prayer is absolutely an incredible tool to help us get through difficult times 100 percent. But if you're trying to pray and you're struggling either to get up and pray or you're trying to pray and you can't feel it. Let me explain it in a way that might make a little bit of sense so that it doesn't feel so bad and push you further away. Right. Where when you've been through something traumatic or a loss, the brain area that is like really, really busy is the brain area that you need to survive. It gets you get into survival mode. And that's the brain area that makes you feel afraid, that makes you feel worried, that makes you feel anxious. And what happens is you start to search for in your environment for other things that are going to hurt you in the same way that you've just been hurt. Right. When that brain area is activated, the front brain area, which is is meant for decision making and good judgment and making decisions to do things that are good for yourself. That area is shut down. And so it's not that, you know, it's not that you don't want to to to pray or you don't want to feel better. It's that the brain area that's devoted to making good decisions about what's going to make you feel better. It's just not working as well. Right. And so even though you might know that prayer might make you feel better, you can't really fully make that decision because that's just not the the way that your brain is working at that point.
And so but the more we take small steps to try and to try and actually to try and reconnect with Allah's prayer and try to make choices in every arena of our lives that will get us on the path of healing. That's where our brain will start to positively change. And then that front area will start to get activated again, inshallah. And then the feelings of then the the the the brain area that's in survival mode will be able to realize, OK, I'm safe now. I can shut down a little bit and, you know, things will will start to regulate themselves. So when you're grieving or surviving a trauma and you're struggling with your connection to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, it's not an indication of the state of your heart or of your Iman. It's the it's an indication of the state of your brain and what you have gone through. Right. And so that can sometimes bring a little bit of tranquility in difficult situations. So I ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to to bestow healing and mercy and and comfort on everybody who is grieving and grant you a way out of that pain and suffering. Subhanakallah. Jabal hmm comfortable for their price for us to offer him a colonoscopy for him to you. Aman Absurd. Absurd. Absurd.
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