Raising Resilient Muslim Youth: Strategies for Building a Strong Muslim Identity in Children

• What is the importance of establishing a healthy identity in children and how can it affect resilience?
• What do the Qur’an and Sunnah teach us about identity?
• How can parents foster a strong Muslim identity in children?
• What role do I play as a parent in my child’s identity development?
• What are concrete everyday actions I can take to help my child develop a strong Islamic core, confidence, and identity as a Muslim?
• How can I navigate obstacles that may impact my child’s ability to create a healthy identity?

• The sheltered Muslim teenager who moves away to college and becomes friends with his non-Muslim roommate. The teenager may have a good Islamic identity which his friend respects, but sometimes seeing his friend engage in what appear to be fun but unIslamic social behaviors makes him feel tempted and weak.
• The loyal husband who moves his aging mother into his home, trying to balance his role as a husband and son in accordance with his Islamic identity, but finds it challenging when the two roles appear to be in competition due to different expectations of his mother and wife.
• The devout Muslimah who loves reading Qur’an, fasting, and praying sunnah prayers throughout the day and night, and so struggles with her new role as a mother because these acts of worship are now suddenly replaced with different kinds of worship behaviors she is not yet accustomed to, such as caring for her infant’s basic needs.

Allah’s Messenger, when we are in your company, we are reminded of Hell-Fire and Paradise as if we are seeing them with our own eyes, but whenever we go away from you and attend to our wives, children, and business, these things go out of our minds.” Thereupon Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said: “By Him in Whose Hand is my life, if your state of mind remains the same as it is in my presence and you are always busy in remembrance (of Allah), the angels would shake hands with you in your beds and in your paths but, Ḥanẓala, there is a time for this and a time for that.”

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But if they (i.e., your parents) pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world courteously, and follow the way of those who turn to Me in devotion.

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The role of identity in resilience

1. Surviving setbacks and challenges with as little damage as possible;
2. Remaining firm in the face of setbacks and challenges and developing the ability to return to a default state of equilibrium after setbacks;
3. Growing from setbacks and challenges. This is the highest form of resiliency, and has been termed antifragility or post-traumatic growth.

1. Self-Esteem: Healthy self-esteem allows children to acknowledge their inherent, God-given worth. This allows them to face difficulties with a stable sense of self and a clear purpose, understanding that Allah has granted them the strengths and qualities needed to navigate challenges.
   
2. Self-Efficacy: Healthy self-efficacy involves the belief in one’s capabilities to achieve a goal or cope with a difficulty. This empowers children to strive toward their goals with the understanding that, while they must do their part in working toward the outcome they want, relying on Allah’s help is necessary every step of the way. Healthy self-efficacy allows children to face challenges with a feeling of safety in knowing that Allah is our Protector and Provider in every circumstance, while also encouraging their own capabilities to handle difficult situations.
   
3. Self-Trust: Healthy self-trust involves the belief in one’s ability to act in a way aligned with one’s best interests and personal values. This allows children to feel capable of exercising their God-given free will in a manner that benefits them in this life and the next. It empowers them to view challenges as manageable due to confidence in their capacity to make positive decisions even in difficult moments, and it nurtures trust in Allah that He has not tested them with more than they can bear.

The importance of nurturing a strong Muslim identity 

1. Tests of Destiny: These are the tests of fate that Allah has written for us. This includes things in life over which we have no control, including when we are born, when we die, an unexpected diagnosis, an accident that befalls a loved one, etc. Though these tests can superficially manifest as “good” or “evil,” everything that comes from Allah is good despite our personal perceptions of certain struggles. Allah promises that we will be tested in these ways:

Every soul will taste death. And We test you with evil and with good as trial; and to Us you will be returned.

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And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient.

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2. Tests in Worship: These are tests of revelation and how we choose to respond to the legislation and limitations revealed by Allah, including fulfilling prescribed acts and refraining from prohibited acts. We see this test in the following verses:

For indeed, We created humans from a drop of mixed fluids, [in order] to test them, so We made them hear and see. We already showed them the Way, whether they [choose to] be grateful or ungrateful.

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We have indeed made whatever is on earth as an adornment for it, in order to test which of them is best in deeds.

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I. SELF-ESTEEM

And strive for Allah with the striving due to Him. He has chosen you and has not placed upon you any difficulty in your religion. [It is] the religion of your father, Abraham. He [i.e., Allah] named you “Muslims” before [in former scriptures] and in this [revelation] that the Messenger may be a witness over you and you may be witnesses over the people…

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The [true] believers are only those who believe in Allah and His Messenger—never doubting—and strive with their wealth and their lives in the cause of Allah. They are the ones true in faith.

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Say, “Nothing will ever befall us except what Allah has destined for us. He is our Protector.” So in Allah let the believers put their trust.

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The believers are but one brotherhood, so make peace between your brothers. And be mindful of Allah so you may be shown mercy.

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They are those who establish prayer and donate from what We have provided for them. It is they who are the true believers. They will have elevated ranks, forgiveness, and an honorable provision from their Lord.

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• Which of Allah’s Names has been on your mind lately? When do you tend to think about this Name of Allah? How do you feel when you remember it?
  
• What is something you’ve done recently - or a quality you have - that you hope Allah especially loves?
  
• What’s your favorite thing to do?
  
• What makes you feel super energetic and excited?
  
• If your best friend described you, what do you think they’d say?
  
• What do you think a successful day looks like? What made it successful?
  
• What are you good at?
  
• What feels hard for you right now? How are you dealing with it?
  
• What’s your favorite thing about school?
  
• Tell me about something you achieved that you’re really proud of.
  
• What’s your least favorite thing to do?
  
• How do you stay motivated when you feel like things are getting difficult?
  

1. Catch your child doing good behaviors (helping someone, diligently completing homework, praying without being asked, etc.), identify the behaviors, and then reinforce them through verbal praise or affection.
   
2. Identify positive traits in your child as you see them and highlight them. Tie those traits to positive role models if possible. For example, “When you and your brother stood up to that bully at school it reminded me of when Moses (Mūsā) stood up to Pharaoh when he was trying to make everyone do what he said.”
   
3. Tie the positive qualities you see in your child back to Allah. For example, if your child is doing great in math, say something like, “Isn’t it wonderful that Allah blessed you with such a strong brain and made you into such a hard worker? I’m so proud of you.” In this way, your child’s strengths are emphasized but always connected back to Allah, thereby creating a stronger connection between your child’s self-concept and relationship with Allah.
   
4. Consider working with your child on a strengths poster, identifying their skills, positive attributes, and overall virtues. Have your child decorate the poster and make it a work of art that they can hang on a wall in their room.
   

I saw the Messenger of Allah  circling the Kaaba and saying, “How pure you are and how pure is your fragrance! How great you are and how great is your sanctity! By the one in whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, the sanctity of the believer is greater to Allah than your sanctity, in his wealth, his life, and to assume nothing of him but good.”

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1. Convey that Allah made every person for a purpose and that each person is unique. Highlight Allah’s love and mercy for the believers.
   
2. Show interest in what your child likes. Ideas on how to show interest:
   • I saw ____ today and it reminded me of you so I wanted to share it with you.
   • What’s been going on lately with____?
   • How are you progressing with____?
   • When was the last time you did_____? I would love to join you next time.
   • I have 15 minutes before making dinner. Can I play ___with you?
   • I would love to get your thoughts and insights about______.
     
3. Ask for your child’s input on age-appropriate discussions in the home and in community spaces.
   
4. Invest in the magic ratio:
   • Ask open-ended questions to show interest in your child’s day (e.g., What was the hardest thing about today? How did you deal with it?)
   • Verbalize your favorite things about your child (e.g., I love how thoughtful you are; you give the best hugs, etc.)
   • Small acts can demonstrate your care in powerful ways and can make your child feel important (e.g., surprising your child with something small; letting them know you missed them while they were at school, etc.)
   • Intentional appreciation helps your child focus on their successes and strengths. Keep an ongoing note on your phone about the small things your child does that you appreciate to share with them.

II. Self-Efficacy (Competence)

[It does not matter] if you [believers] do not support him, for Allah did in fact support him when the disbelievers drove him out [of Mecca] and he was only one of two. While they both were in the cave, he reassured his companion, “Do not worry; Allah is certainly with us.” So Allah sent down His serenity upon the Prophet, supported him with forces you [believers] did not see, and made the word of the disbelievers lowest, while the Word of Allah is supreme. And Allah is Almighty, All-Wise.

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1. Validate the frustration: “It’s so hard when you work so hard and it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped.”
   
2. Help them to consider what they gained despite the end result being disappointing: “Can you tell me something you learned? Is there something you’d do differently next time?”
   
3. Help your child to consider the factors in their control and outside of their control.
   • Ask questions to illuminate what about this situation cannot be changed as well as what about this situation can be changed. For example: “You can’t control what your friend says to you at school but you can control how you respond to her.” “You can’t control the grade you get on your test but you can control how much you study for it.”
   • Help your child to consider small steps they can implement to create change (e.g., have a plan for how to respond when someone says something hurtful; create a study schedule to prepare for an exam, etc.).
     
4. Use faith to reframe the situation in a way that increases their resilience and solidifies an Islamic identity:
   • Remind them that Allah is the Most Appreciative (al-Shakūr) and that He sees and appreciates their efforts.
   • When your child does something pleasing to Allah, ask, “Did you know Allah is so proud of you and loves what you just did?”
   • When something doesn’t work out as hoped for, ask your child, “How many good deeds do you think you got because of how hard you tried?” (e.g., If your child is struggling to memorize a verse in the Qur’an, remind them that they get ten good deeds for every single letter recited so the more they repeat it, the more good deeds they get;
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      if your child is struggling with a friend who is upset with them and is rejected when they try to fix things, emphasize how much Allah loves people who try to mend relationships,
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      etc.)
   • When your child is feeling anxious because of the uncertainty of the results despite their effort, use this as a starting point for a discussion on trusting (tawakkul) in Allah for the things that are outside of their control based on the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ encouraging us to “tie your camel and trust in Allah.”
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      Explore with your child how they can do their part in this situation and what they have to leave to Allah.

1. Make an effort to forgive your child for their mistakes, particularly as a way to highlight redemption and mercy in Islam.
   
2. Discuss mistakes of successful individuals and how this did not undermine their path toward success and achievement. Every child is different so different examples will resonate (e.g., athletes, scientists, etc.).
   
3. Discuss repentance and its virtues, particularly emphasizing how beloved this action is to Allah to further help your child in reframing their mistakes, even when it comes to worship:
   • “Say, [O Prophet, that Allah says,] ‘O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.’”
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   • The Prophet ﷺ said, “If your sins were to reach to the heavens and then you repented, Allah would still accept your repentance.”
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   • The Prophet ﷺ said, “By the One in whose hand is my soul, if you did not sin, Allah would replace you with people who would sin, and they would seek forgiveness from Allah and He would forgive them.”
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1. Provide opportunities for mastery through identifying your child’s strengths and exposing them to related activities, classes, and materials that can help them improve.
   
2. Help your child to set realistic, specific, and actionable goals that are slightly above their current level of experience and skill. Provide support and encouragement to help your child meet their goals especially when they feel challenged.
   
3. Show your child success is possible by sharing your own experiences and stories of the prophets and other heroes. Experiences should inspire motivation and encouragement, not negative comparisons.  
   

III. Self-Trust (Autonomy)

And few of my servants are grateful.

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But none believed with him, except a few.

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In the Gardens of Bliss, a [large] company of the former people, And a few of the later peoples.

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[It is] a Book whose verses are perfectly explained—a Qur’an in Arabic for people who know, delivering good news and warning. Yet most of them turn away, so they do not hear.

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And most people will not believe—no matter how keen you are.

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1. Encourage an independent relationship with Allah.
   
2. Give your child the opportunity to make age-appropriate choices on a daily basis (e.g., what to wear, ideas about the next family trip, etc.).
   
3. Allow your children to practice this essential skill of decision-making, and weighing the pros and cons of different choices. Practice this with them verbally and through writing.
   
4. Give your child age-appropriate tasks to give them an opportunity to develop a sense of independent accomplishment and contribution (e.g., picking up toys for a 2-3 year-old; emptying the dishwasher for a 6-7 year-old, etc.).
   
5. Help your child make value-based choices in the midst of opposition from their surroundings. Help foster an Islamic identity as they navigate different environments (home, school, neighborhood, etc.) and expectations (Muslims don’t backbite, Muslims don’t eat pork, Muslims practice prayer throughout the day, etc.) by actively identifying being Muslim as something special.
   
6. Help your child become comfortable with differences. Don’t shy away from discussions about the differences they notice between themselves and others (e.g., religion, physical ability, race, etc.). At the same time, have discussions about the different choices people make (e.g., something their friend does that doesn’t align with your family values, the fact that people worship differently, the fact that people dress differently, etc.). Emphasize the fact that your child is striving to make choices that align with their identity as a Muslim and how wonderful that is in the sight of Allah.
   
7. Nurture positive support by assessing your child’s various support groups, and increase exposure to those that support healthy self-development and expand on your child’s strengths (example: a brothers’ ḥalaqa, soccer team, math club, neighborhood community service group).

• Tailor the duration of the mini-lesson to the audience. If these conversations are too lengthy, neither you nor your children will look forward to them because they are draining. About 15-20 minutes is a good length.
• Make the mini-lesson appropriate for the audience in terms of content. Small children are naturally drawn to arts and crafts so drawing related pictures or making visuals with markers can be appealing to them. If there is a wide age gap between your children, consider assigning one parent to the older children and the other parent to the younger children.
• Don’t make this activity/conversation burdensome to prepare. Otherwise, you most likely will not follow through. Prepare for 5-10 minutes max by pulling relevant ayāt, hadith, or material from this article.
• If you ever get stuck with a tough question or topic from your child, don’t panic. Tell your child that you will look into it and get back to them. This can be a spiritual learning moment for you both.

LESSON 1

Āsiya: Finding an anchor in the storm

And do not invoke any other god with Allah. There is no god [worthy of worship] except Him. Everything is bound to perish except He Himself. All authority belongs to Him. And to Him you will [all] be returned.

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My Lord, build for me near You a house in paradise and save me from Pharaoh and his deeds and save me from the wrongdoing people.

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• Have people ever made you feel badly about your choices? How did you cope with that?
• Self-esteem is confidence in your own worth or abilities, the ability to respect yourself. How do you see this in the story of Āsiya? What was the source of her self-esteem? How about yours?
• How is the fact that Allah is a source of security and stability reflected in the story of Āsiya?
• Have you ever struggled with people pushing you toward something you weren’t comfortable with? What happened? How can we resist pressure from people who encourage us to do something we don’t agree with?
• Have you ever done something because the people around you made it seem normal and then felt badly about it? Have you ever made a choice you felt good about even if the people around you didn’t like it? How did it feel?

LESSON 2

Prophet Moses (AS): An example of strong identity

When the two groups came face to face, the companions of Moses cried out, “We are overtaken for sure.”

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[Moses] said, “Absolutely not! My Lord is certainly with me—He will guide me.”

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So We inspired Moses: “Strike the sea with your staff,” and the sea was split, each part was like a huge mountain. We drew the pursuers to that place, and delivered Moses and those with him all together. Then We drowned the others.

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Then We saved Our messengers and those who believed. For it is Our duty to save the believers.

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When Allah loves a servant, he calls Gabriel and he says: Verily, I love this person so you should love him. Then Gabriel loves him and makes an announcement in the heavens, saying: Allah loves this person and you should love him. Thus, the dwellers of the heavens love him and he is honored on the earth.

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• When you know that Allah is always taking care of you, how does that make you feel?
• How can you see the Names of Allah, al-Qadīr and al-Muʿizz, reflected in the story of Prophet Mūsā and the Red Sea?
• Have you ever felt stuck and felt there wasn’t a way out of a hard situation? What happened and how did you deal with it?
• Can you name three moments when you achieved something difficult? How did you feel? Turn those moments into a duʿāʾ to Allah to thank Him for the ability to do this and for the dignity you experienced in that moment.