# How to Spot Fake Friends | Midnight Majlis

**Author:** Dr. Omar Suleiman
**Series:** Midnight Majlis
**Published:** 2025-03-26
**YouTube:** https://youtu.be/CNvKyxvZSDo
**URL:** https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/how-to-spot-fake-friends-midnight-majlis
**Topics:** Acts of Worship, Sharia

## Description
The end of Ramadan is a time to redouble your efforts. Pray more, fast more—give more. Who are your real friends? And how should you approach friendships which may be harming you in the dunya and worse, in the akhirah?

## Transcript
**[0:01]** As-salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu. Alhamdulillah, Rabb al-'alamin, wa salatu wa assalam 'ala alihi wa sahbihi wa assalam, wa barakatna 'ala nabiyyina Muhammad (ﷺ) wa 'ala alihi wa sahbihi wa assalam, tasliman kathiran wa ma ba'd. I welcome you back to our beautiful last 10 nights of the month of Ramadan, the late night khatirah, and this beautiful majlis for Shaykh Omar Suleiman.

**[0:18]** From the book of Imam Ibn Hazm, rahimahullah ta'ala, al-akhlaq wa al-siyar, morals and behaviors, all the way from Valley United Islamic Center here in Irving, Texas. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make this a blessed gathering, ya Rabb al-'alamin. So Shaykh, this is now the 26th night of the month of Ramadan, subhanallah.

**[0:35]** What a beautiful journey we had so far with Imam Ibn Hazm, rahimahullah. Tonight he is opening a whole different window for us. He is talking about al-ikhwan wa al-sadaqat wa al-nasihah. For those who are following with us in the English text, it is actually going to be chapter 6 on page 31.

**[0:53]** Chapter 6 on page 31, insha'Allah wa ta'ala. He speaks about brothers, friends, and how to give advice and nasihah and so on. And before, insha'Allah, we delve into his points, and they're gems really, subhanallah, we need to also keep in mind and keep also the context of his writing, rahimahullah wa ta'ala.

**[1:12]** Like Ibn Hazm, rahimahullah, he had gone through a lot. Keep that in your mind. Like he dealt like Shaykh Omar had been mentioning multiple times in these sessions. He'd gone through a lot of betrayal. He was the son of a minister in the royal court.

**[1:28]** Like he didn't have anything to do with politics. He was just a kid. But as a young man, he ended up in prison as a result of that. His affiliation with Bani Umayyah. And then he was released. And then Bani Umayyah took over. He joined right now in the ranks of politicians. And then as a result, he was in prison.

**[1:44]** And then he left politics altogether to get himself right now busy with 'ilm and knowledge, only to find the exact same corruption in the political elite. And he found that, unfortunately, in what he considers to be corruption in the religious elite, at least the scholarly class of that time.

**[2:00]** So that's why his relationships has always been, I don't know how to describe that. He's just not someone that holds on to people. He's someone who, he's actually like not an agreeable personality.

**[2:15]** Like he's not someone that, he doesn't get along with people. Like he really doesn't. He doesn't get along with scholars. He doesn't get along with, he doesn't really have many students per se. Like he's not someone that was really studied like a teacher. His books were magnificent. His writing is out of this world.

**[2:31]** But he's just not a very agreeable person. Like he's someone, subhanallah, who's very jaded. Like jaded is the word. He's a very jaded person, rahimahullah. And he writes with that pain. And there's value in that. And there's also danger too. Which is that everyone that kind of wants to go into dark mode will just say I'm being Ibn Hazm.

**[2:53]** I'm going to carry the revolution against everybody. So he is someone who's kind of revolting. But there is benefit in reading in that raw pain. So I mean look, subhanallah, one thing to be very clear. Like we mentioned Imam al-Dhahabi, rahimahullah.

**[3:09]** Like I love Ibn Hazm. But he says his tongue was sharper than the sword of Hajjaj. He was rough. But this chapter on friends is probably like the best primer on friends that I've ever read from any scholar.

**[3:24]** Like in terms of just being guarded. So he's guarded. He's someone who doesn't talk much about like friends that impressed him. Or friends that actually lived up to a certain bar. He's actually saying everyone in my life failed me.

**[3:40]** But I'm not going to fail other people the way that I was failed. So he is dismissing pretty much every human being that he's been around. But at the same time, he's still giving all the qualifiers to say don't become what you hate. I think Ibn Hazm, rahimahullah, in this chapter, he's a realist.

**[3:56]** He's not really an idealist. He just wanted to see what reality of relationships with people, with friends and so on. He doesn't want to create that idealistic image of everything is beautiful and rosy and flowery and so on. And then eventually you're going to get stabbed. So basically you get backstabbed as a result of so much trust in people.

**[4:14]** He wants to keep things real. Like look, I had so many good friends, but at the same time, you know, you need to be careful with one, two, three and so on. By the way, Shaykh, this is actually in line of his characteristic that he mentioned we talked about last night when he says one of my favorites, he says, about himself.

**[4:29]** My favorite quality that I advise you all to follow is to be a straight shooter, basically straightforward. That you don't, you don't, you don't beat around the bush. Simply say it as it is. Even if it's going to cost you friendship and people around you, just be that type of person.

**[4:46]** Which exactly what he's been doing in this chapter. Bismillah. And no one accuses him, Shaykh, of being a hypocrite. Like no one accuses him of being like a flatterer or someone who's saying what he needs to say to get. He's like very much known as a guy that's going to tell you exactly what's on his mind and what's on his heart.

**[5:02]** Qala rahimahullah ta'ala, istabqaqa man a'tabak wa zahida fika man istahana bi sayyi'atik. He says that anyone who criticizes you actually cares about you. And anyone who makes light of your sins actually has no care about you at all.

**[5:17]** So people that criticize you are actually good for you. People that praise you in your sins actually don't care about you. Subhanallah, this is a very important way to start off this chapter. Because he's actually redefining what you think of when you think of a friend in the first place.

**[5:32]** Is a friend someone that is always a cheerleader? Or is a friend someone that actually sits you down and risks the friendship? Like a real friend risks the friendship when he has to or she has to tell you what you need to hear. Because they care more about you.

**[5:47]** So he's saying your true friend is the person who actually a'tabak. Now by the way, itab is a type of criticism in the Arabic language with someone that you care about. Okay, so it's not dismissal.

**[6:02]** It's admonishing. Compassionate blame? Yeah. Compassionate blame. Like I blame you with love. I mean it's what they, like 'Abasa sawwala tawalla, they describe that the Prophet (ﷺ) said that when he would see Abdullah ibn al-Maktoum, he would say,

**[6:17]** welcome to he on whose behalf Allah a'tabani, my Lord a'tabani, my Lord admonished me. Right? When Allah said, 'Abasa sawwala tawalla anja'ahu al-a'ma, you know, he frowned and he turned away from the blind man. The Prophet (ﷺ) would praise Abdullah ibn al-Maktoum and say it was on your behalf that my Lord admonished me.

**[6:34]** So itab is what you do with someone that you love. Right? So he's saying the one who actually gives you that type of advice, hard advice, constructive advice, admonishments is someone that actually, istabqaqa means they're keeping you. Like they're actually trying to hold on to you as a friend.

**[6:49]** Wa zahida fika man istahana bi sayyi'atik. And a person who doesn't care about you, right, is someone that will make light of your sins. And this is of course one of the most dangerous tricks of Shaytan. People that celebrate you in your sin.

**[7:05]** Or people that celebrate you despite your sin. So there's a subliminal celebration. Right? So you do something really bad. Or you turn a page in terms of sin. And that person is still praising you in the same way that they were praising you before

**[7:21]** without letting you know that they're concerned about you because you've turned a page. Right? So that's something that's very relevant to the moment. Here's Imam Ibn Hazm, he says basically, look, you can tell the difference between somebody who wants to put you down with his criticism

**[7:37]** and someone who's really, really looking after you. When someone, you can, from their sound, from their voice, from the tone of their voice, you can tell if they're really targeting you personally or they're just targeting your actions because they care about you.

**[7:53]** So differentiate between these two things. Some people, they criticize you and they're really judging you. Others, they talk about the action out of love for you. And for them, look, I'm willing to risk my friendship with you but I care about you. That's why I'm talking to you about this issue. That's very important. Imam al-Shaykh, something that happens these days, I've seen it online for the past few years,

**[8:13]** when may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala protect us and protect our young people, our brothers and sisters, someone, for example, they go out online and they start, unfortunately, kind of breaking away from the path of guidance or the tradition of khair and so on, and you find all these old friends in the comment section saying,

**[8:32]** good boy, good girl, good for you, this and that, as if they're not committing any sin. I've seen this when, for example, a lady removes her hijab, a guy stops talking about, defying Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala's rules and so on, and everybody's just going to be hailing them for their courage.

**[8:50]** Supportive. Exactly. That person, you know, I gave a khutbah about the human Shaytan, that person that put that heart on that is your Shaytan, for all purposes, don't call them a devil. But they're playing that role to you when they're basically, you know, supporting you in turning a page of sharr into bad,

**[9:09]** is actually a Shaytan to you. Shaykh, should I continue? Yes, please. Qala al-itab li al-sadiq ka al-sabk li al-sabika fa-imma tasfu wa-imma tatir. So now he's talking about from the perspective of the one who gives advice.

**[9:24]** So he's saying when you give that type of criticism, that itab to a friend, it's like melting precious metals. It's like putting precious metals to the fire, putting a metal to the fire. Either you're going to refine it or the metal will burn and disappear.

**[9:39]** So he's saying expect to lose friends if you're willing to give friends the advice they need to hear. Expect that some people are not going to be able to handle it and they're going to walk away from you because you're being straightforward with them and people don't like those that are straightforward with them. Okay, but he's saying, look, as if you have a mixed metal together, like an alloy, for example, or an ore.

**[9:59]** So now when you melt that with extreme fire, if there is precious metal there, like gold, for example, everything else will evaporate and disappear and that precious metal will stay. Right. But if that ore is all considered not so precious of these metals,

**[10:19]** once it starts exposing to the fire, it disappears. All these right now and residues will be just nothing, have no value to it. So basically he says your friend is just like that fire that tried to expose the best out of you. So be prepared for that.

**[10:34]** Right.

**[10:50]** He said that a friend who conceals a secret which concerns you is more disloyal to you than someone who actually spreads a secret of yours. Because the one who tells your secret to other people is merely betraying you. But the one who conceals from you a truth that they should be sharing with you is both betraying you and mistrusting you.

**[11:12]** So I think that the idea here is that betrayal is both ways here. They're betraying your friendship and they're betraying, you know, your person. So they're betraying you from two ways. So think about the analogy. Who are the people that you cut off in your life?

**[11:27]** Someone betrayed you or someone let you down because you told them something in private and they went and they spread that out there. Right. And that hurt your feelings. And you said, I'll cut that person off. He's saying the one who sits with you and who holds back something about you is worse than that person because it's compounded betrayal more so.

**[11:48]** One of the most common statements you hear from people about this when they realize their friend they knew about something they should have told them before. And they say, you knew about it and you didn't tell me? That's what means stakhwanak. Like you didn't just betray me. You didn't even trust that I'm going to take it from you without blaming you for it.

**[12:06]** So you think I'm going to hurt you because of the truth or whatever? Obviously we talk about something that's of a value to this individual that is worth it. It's not just, you know, carrying backbiting or false claims and so on. Because basically, look, your friend should be loyal to you.

**[12:23]** And when they know that there's something that concerns you, it's important that you know about it, they will be the first people to go and share that with you. And that's why he says be careful and make sure that your friends, you trust them and they trust you to that level. So Shaykh Moises, faqat khanak wa stakhwanak.

**[12:38]** How would you explain that? So khanak, he betrayed you by hiding something valuable from you. That's the betrayal right now. That others probably didn't know about it. Stakhwanak, basically, like he doesn't trust you. He doesn't, like, even though we've been together all these years.

**[12:56]** Right, so he doesn't trust you that you'll be able to take. We didn't build that trust to this level that I can feel comfortable and confident if I share with you. It's not going to backfire on me. Qala rahimahullah, la targhab fi man yazhadu feeka fatakhsar al-khayba wa al-khizya.

**[13:14]** So he said, do not try to be friends with those who scorn you because you'll gain nothing from it but deception and shame. Don't chase after those types of people in your life because they're not actually going to benefit you in any way. Qala wa la tazhad fi man yarghabu feek fa inna hu babun min abwab al-dhulm wa tarku muqaradati al-ihsan wa hatha qabih.

**[13:35]** And he said, and don't scorn those who try to be friends with you because to do so is a form of dhulm. It's a form of injustice. Someone tries to show goodness to you and then you turn them away. And he said that that would be failure to respond to ihsan with ihsan, to respond to kindness with kindness.

**[13:51]** Wa hatha qabih. And he says that's an ugly characteristic. Don't pursue those who scorn you because you're not going to gain anything out of it except for deception and shame. And at the same time, don't scorn people who try to befriend you because that is going to be a reduction of ihsan,

**[14:07]** a reduction of goodness and an ugly characteristic that someone tries to befriend you and you turn them away in that regard. What comes to my mind with this is what we call them cliques, right? So you go to a community that are very cliquish. There are people here and people there.

**[14:22]** You try to join a group and as a result you compromise yourself. And you try everything to gain their friendship but you're not getting anything out of it. And you keep compromising yourself to the extent you don't even know yourself anymore. And there are another group, maybe not as fancy as the group you're trying to be part of,

**[14:41]** but these people, subhanAllah, they value who you are. They always invite you to their gatherings and this and that. But you're interested in the more fancy group, who is not interested in you. So something to keep in mind. In our time, we value things at surface level.

**[14:58]** We see certain groups with certain, let's say, outwardly kind of image and that's the one I want to be part of. Maybe, subhanAllah, it's one of those things that transcends all cultures. In history, it just takes on different manifestations. Like just think of every movie that you've watched or anything that you've seen where there's the loyal friend

**[15:17]** that gets ditched behind because you're looking for someone else. You're trying to be part of another clique. Well, in a classist society, you're trying to be part of certain circles. And so you're missing out on that loyal friend that you're dismissing because they don't check certain boxes.

**[15:32]** And so you're putting them down. You're dismissing them. You're like, oh, I'm not really interested in that. I'm trying to get in this circle, trying to get in this circle. That's something that transcends all cultures. But in a classist society, it's just very pronounced. Especially in his context.

**[15:48]** You're trying to be in the circles of the scholars, trying to be in the circles of the politicians, trying to be in this circle and that circle. Because in some societies, your value is solely on who you know. Right? Wasta, wasta. Who do you know? Who do you know? Who do you know? And there's something from a da'wah element to this as well.

**[16:04]** That the Prophet (ﷺ), even though he was doing da'wah to the elites of his society, like when he comes back in Fath Makkah, yes, he shows amnesty to Abu Sufyan, but Bilal (رضي الله عنه) is the one that's going to stand on the Kaaba and give the adhan.

**[16:19]** So he's showing forgiveness and grace to Abu Sufyan, but now that I've got these people on my side, I'm not going to ditch my loyal ones. I'm not going to get rid of the Bilals and the Khabbabs and the Miqdads. No, no. They still maintain their position. These are the leaders of the community.

**[16:35]** But I'll show some love and grace towards these elites and these nobles in society. And Allah, 'azza wa jall, mentions, wa la tatrud, right? Don't turn these people away. Keep yourself firm with those righteous people that call upon Allah, subhanAllah, day and night.

**[16:53]** And so the Prophet (ﷺ), is being told, look, don't belittle your followers. Don't internalize the garbage that's being thrown at you from these people of Jahiliyyah and start to dismiss your followers and look down on them and say,

**[17:08]** ah, yeah, but what does your community look like? It looks like a bunch of Ammars and Bilals and Khabbabs and lowly people. Don't internalize that. You have the cream of the crop that's actually with you. Because Allah, 'azza wa jall, values people by taqwa.

**[17:23]** And so value your friends by taqwa. And look at that as the standard by which you keep people around you in your life. Shaykh, he continues right now talking about, and I think we have to take that with a bit of a grain of salt over here. Because Ibn Hazm, rahimahullah, he speaks about personal experience dealing with people.

**[17:41]** He says, anyone who is forced to mix with people should on no account tell his companion everything that passes through his mind.

**[17:57]** Just because you become good friends together, don't open up about everything about your personal life. Don't tell them about your marriage, about your dealing with your parents, about this, about that. How many people would do such a very vulnerable moment in their lives only to be betrayed?

**[18:14]** He says, listen, keep in mind when you deal with people, qawwala yabni minhu illa 'ala annahu 'aduwwun munasib when he leaves him, he says he must always behave as if he were a desperate enemy. This is kind of maybe extreme, a little bit extreme.

**[18:31]** But he goes, look, when you deal with people today, they're your best friends. Allah knows what happens maybe next year or next month. We don't know. He said, keep that assumption in your mind. That what if this friend of mine after all these years, unfortunately, you know, backstabs you, for example, he would say.

**[18:50]** So therefore, just because you become friendly with them, don't open up all your secrets to them. Qala, rahimahullah ta'ala, then he spoke about his personal experience.

**[19:10]** Qala wa ana o'ulimuka anna ba'da man khalasani al-mawadda tawasfani iyyaha ghayata al-safa'i fi hal al-shidda wa al-rakha'i wa al-sa'ati wa al-diq wa al-ghadabi wa al-rida. Taghayyara 'alayya akbahataghayyurin ba'da ithna 'ashara 'aman muttasila fi ghayata al-safa'i.

**[19:27]** He says, for me, let me tell you something that happened to me. He says, I have dealt with somebody for 12 years, being best friend, ghayata al-safa'i, like we had a very pure, maybe you could say altruistic relationship,

**[19:43]** very pure relationship with one of my friends in terms of hardships and ease and difficulties and all these circumstances. He goes, 12 years of good times we had together. He says, lisababin latifin jiddan. Unfortunately, for something that was very, very, very subtle thing, like it's not even worth it, he says.

**[20:02]** sababin latifin jiddan ma qadartu qad annahu yu'athiru mithlahu fi ahadi minan nas. I never expected such a very insignificant matter would affect such a person like my friend. I never thought that it would affect him so deeply like this.

**[20:17]** Qala ma saluhha li ba'da. He never, he never, we never went back again to how we used to be before. This never actually, never, was never fixed, basically he says. That damage has stayed there.

**[20:33]** Qawwala qad ahammani thalika sanina kathira. This thing concerned me for so long, for so many years. Frankly, Shaykh, I went to try different books of Ibn Hazm, rahimahullah, to figure out who that person was. I was looking at it, 12 years, he's speaking about one particular individual, jama'a.

**[20:50]** He's not speaking about someone, a phantom character. He's speaking about a friend of his. So I went into some of his books, especially Tawq al-Hamama when he gets too personal. I could not find that person, the name of that individual. But I'm so curious to know who that person was.

**[21:07]** Yeah, maybe in Jannah, bi idhnillah, I can ask. But you know, Shaykh, you know what comes to my mind like when I read something like that? Since we're like building on the basis of a person should be more aware of their personal flaws and look to these things.

**[21:23]** You're always the Yusuf of your own story. And the other guy is always the brother of Yusuf. Everyone does that, right? So sometimes you see a fallout with two Muslims, two believers, two good people. And in their mind, like that other person is the devil.

**[21:39]** That other person wronged me. That other person did this. And they both have a narrative. And Shaytan will beautify that narrative for you. And you can paint, and in the process of making yourself the hero of your own story and sanitizing your own heroic tale, you vilify the other person to an extreme.

**[21:58]** And so you have to keep vilifying the other person and sanitizing yourself. And so the poles just keep getting further and further and further. And that's why the Prophet (ﷺ) did what? Prohibited us to not talk to each other for three days. And if you go for a whole year, it's like you spilled the person's blood when you abandon them for a year.

**[22:15]** Right? Because the more distance there is, the more that these neat little stories in our minds can develop. And they're not real. They're tales. They're fabrications. And they might come from sincere people. Right? But they are, at the bare minimum, they're embellishments.

**[22:31]** At the bare minimum, they're embellished. Right? There's some sort of decoration that's happening here. And so it's important for a person to actually really be self-critical and say, well, where did I go wrong? Am I that friend that let someone else down? Am I that person that hurt that person?

**[22:46]** Because I want to concern myself with that so that on the akhirah, I'm not taken into account for that in particular. So how he continues, he says, look, you have to understand if I'm telling you that, you know, be careful when you deal with friends and not always open up with all your secrets to them.

**[23:01]** He says, however, one should not do bad things and follow the example of wicked men and traitors. He says, like, still though, that doesn't mean to mistreat the people and deal with them as being traitors and being wicked people. That's not fair. And he himself, he says, look, this is hadith, but it's just like there's a, it's a rough terrain that you're going to have to go through.

**[23:21]** And there's a fine line between being, being genuine and true to your friends and being cautious with them. Then he gave, he gave the conclusion to that point for himself. He said, good, listen, how do you do that? How can you walk that fine line without, you know, breaking all these rules of staying independent with your, keeping your secret to yourself and keeping also good friendship with them?

**[23:42]** He said, the key to the success dealing with people is that you conceal the secrets of all those entrusted you with their secrets. Like anyone gives you a secret, you die with it. That's what he says.

**[23:57]** And also to keep yourself safe, if you can hide your own secret from them, don't volunteer sharing it with them.

**[24:13]** Like he says, look, if people choose to share their secrets with you, don't share yours with them. That keeps you safe. If somebody shares their secret with you, die with it. If you have a secret yourself, die with it.

**[24:28]** Don't share it with other people. He said, if you do that, it gives you safety and gives your relationship meaning. Even if that person was the closest, best friend to you, if you can hold on to your secret without telling them, just keep it to yourself.

**[24:45]** You know, sometimes we have those secrets that we keep itching about. Like I have to tell somebody, I cannot sleep anymore, right? And you start looking at your phone, you know, who should I send that? I want to talk to somebody. Free dots. There you go, right?

**[25:00]** Are you awake? Dot, dot, dot for the next 30 minutes. What is it? Never mind, I changed my mind, right? Like you woke me up and then you changed my mind. So all of us have those, I would say, dark secrets, Allah musta'an, like Ibn Hazm himself, he talks about himself.

**[25:18]** He said, we all have those moments. I want to share something because it's itching us, it's killing us to feel that we are the only people holding such a secret like that. He goes, look, if you're smart enough to keep it with you and die with it, that's the best thing you could do. It's just amazing, Shaykh, like the differences in personalities, like this exists even from the time of the Salaf.

**[25:38]** Like Sufyan al-Thawri, rahimahullah, didn't like being around people. He just didn't like being around people. Abdullah ibn Mubarak, rahimahullah, like a peer, like it's the same caliber of scholars. Abdullah ibn Mubarak, rahimahullah, was always walking with like 300 people around him.

**[25:54]** It's just like personalities actually come out in these writings and there's something to say about that, that there's something to benefit from reading about these different persons. Who was the scholar, Shaykh, that used to like torture his students to learn from him, the hadith scholar? I forgot, the one who used to have the dog in front of his house?

**[26:11]** You got to fight the dog to get to him? I'll remember this, the name is, I'm just drawing a blank right now. I even actually, sometimes, one time he kicked one of his students. And when they were asked about it, he goes, look, this path is so difficult to go through.

**[26:26]** Only those who are sincere about learning will endure the hardships. That's his philosophy. But Tahseer students, you're safe, don't worry about it. Was it Al-Amash? I'm not sure. I have to go back and think about who it was, I got to find. But there's a particular person that's coming to mind, like he was such a rough teacher. That's his filter. That was his filter, this is how he filters his students. Like if you're serious about learning. I think it was Al-A'mash. Allah knows best, I don't want to say actually.

**[26:42]** I have to go back and think about it, yeah. So it was a scholar that was just really rough with people. And he would, you know, again, like the idea was some scholars just didn't like dealing with 2,000 people. Yeah. Five people enough for me, right? Like if they can handle my roughness, that's good for me.

**[26:58]** And we benefited from all that. Is that why it's so difficult to get to know you? I don't know, man. I didn't know I'm that bad. I don't keep a dog in front of my office, though. Maybe I should, you know. The second question. I'll go on to just a little bit.

**[27:14]** He says,

**[27:32]** Don't expect anything from anyone except for Allah, the Most High, and don't expect any reward from them. This is a powerful statement. He says, look, don't expect anything from anyone except for Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. So the way that you get around all this is just don't expect anyone to do anything for you except for Allah.

**[27:48]** Don't expect like any payment from anybody except from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. And he said, and I have, there's a crude statement that comes to mind here. And don't expect anything except that the first person you help will be the first person to harm you.

**[28:04]** He said, and by the way, remember that the first person you help will be the first person to hurt you. The first person you help will be the first person to hurt you. And those who will exert their efforts to harm you. And he says that that is because of the composition of base qualities.

**[28:22]** Like their own inability to like be in control of themselves. So there's like a building of lowly qualities and jealousy. And he says people of bad character, they don't like to see that those who help them are better off than them.

**[28:41]** So at some point it's like you're helping me and at some point you get sick of that. And so you start hating the one who helps you. It's just interesting psychology because when I read this I was like, I think of like 10 relationships of other people that fit this description.

**[28:58]** Like you go out of your way to help someone and that person once you lift them up, they throw you off the cliff. It's like what happened there? And there's a jealousy that builds and envy that builds. Like I'm sick of you always being right and I'm sick of being the one that's wrong. I'm sick of you having to save me.

**[29:13]** So I'm going to throw you off and you try to save yourself then. He's saying at the end of the day, look, don't expect good from people. And when you help people just tell yourself from the very beginning that not only should I not expect to be repaid by this person.

**[29:30]** We don't ask you for any reward, nor gratitude. No payment, no gratitude. But this person might very well actually harm me. And Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) is the greatest example of that. They're trying to kill him because he's trying to save them from hell.

**[29:45]** Think about that. Right? Like Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) is doing everything he can and he describes himself standing in front of a fire, trying to catch people from the waist belt. And they're trying to kill him and ruin his life.

**[30:00]** He's trying to save their afterlife. They're trying to ruin his life. So there is something to think about here in terms of how you approach the world that's around you. What brings to my mind a term called compassion fatigue. And some people, they're very jaded.

**[30:15]** Some people, they're very resentful when it comes to dealing with people because they reach that level of what we call compassion fatigue. The resentment of dealing with people reach that level of chronic resentment. And they develop compassion fatigue, like sick and tired of being nice because being nice to people got me no good.

**[30:33]** It got me through all these troubles. Because now, the reason why they feel that way is because they always expected something for good. So expectation becomes the killer for them. But he used to say, look, when you do something good, don't expect anything in return. It's all from Allah (ﷻ).

**[30:49]** When you deal with people and be kind to them, not because they deserve it or because you owe it to them, it's because you deserve to be kind and good to people. So you expect that from Allah (ﷻ), that saves you a lot of troubles and a lot of pain dealing with these people.

**[31:04]** The other thing is, subhanAllah, there's something, there's a book called Toxic Charity. So Toxic Charity speaks about the culture that, unfortunately, nonprofit organizations and charity organizations have developed in the society

**[31:21]** where we give too much to the needy people that they become so dependent. And now, they start expecting that from the society and from these organizations. And as a result, we're not doing them any service anymore. So sometimes, you are too kind to people to the extent that now they always expect that level of kindness from you.

**[31:39]** And when they don't see it, they turn against you. He says, so be careful when you deal with people on that level. Right. So he says, Treat everyone that you know with the best of manners. He said, treat people from, treat everyone that you know with the best of manners.

**[31:56]** And he says, And overlook their faults if they come to you with some of the defects that come with the passage of days and nights, you will live in peace and tranquility. He says, and at the end of the day, if someone comes to you and, you know, with problems and defects,

**[32:12]** which happen in a normal course of life, do not let them know that you do not like them. He says, in this way, you live in peace and quiet. So don't treat people in accordance with how they treat you. And don't let people bring you down to their level. Live in peace and quiet.

**[32:27]** And he says, Don't give advice on the condition that it will be accepted, and don't intercede on the condition that your intercession will be answered, and don't give a gift on the condition that you will be rewarded, but rather on the basis of practicing virtue and fulfilling what is incumbent upon you of giving advice, interceding, and doing good deeds.

**[32:43]** And he says that when you give advice, don't give advice expecting that it's going to be taken. Don't make that a condition. Like I'm doing my part, I have to give you nasiha. And he said, and when you intercede, don't intercede on the condition that your intercession is going to be accepted.

**[32:59]** I have to intercede because intercession is the right thing to do. I've got to stand on behalf of this person, say what needs to be said. And he said, and don't give a gift with the expectation that you're going to be paid back in any way whatsoever. Do it only in order to practice virtue and to do what you should do by giving advice,

**[33:18]** by interceding and by being a generous person. SubhanAllah, like this culture of like, you know, if I do something for you, and by the way, this isn't a Western like culture, this is just a global culture. Like the expectation, if I give you a gift, then I know that it has to come back.

**[33:34]** You know what it reminds me of Sheikh? It reminds me of the weddings. So of course, absolutely. It's like, you know, I gave a gift for your daughter, and my son's wedding comes around, you better pay the exact same money. It's like, why can't we just all keep our money then? The name is on the envelope, and has to have a registry for that, and you have the whole

**[33:51]** list. Okay, how much did they pay for my son? Okay, when they have their son getting married to their daughter, we pay the exact same amount. That's a cultural thing, obviously. I mean, unfortunately, it's horrible because when you give, you give generously because you do it from your heart. That's what matters here. So Sheikh, if I want to comment a little bit on this one, about don't give the nasiha on

**[34:10]** the condition that it's going to be accepted. That something also applies to parents with their children, and you to your parents, and so on. Like, parents, they ask me, my kid, she's older, for example, she's 17, he's 20, blah, blah, blah. And no matter how much I tell them about praying, about their salah, their ibadah, I mean, they

**[34:30]** don't listen. So should I stop? I said no. But they don't listen. Well, that's not to you. You can't control them listening to it. Your obligation is to give the nasiha. Allah says in the Quran, you command your family, your household to pray.

**[34:46]** That's your command, to pray. So you do it. But them accepting that nasiha, that's their duty. You're an adult, and your responsibility is to give the advice. Their duty is to accept that advice. So if they fail their obligation, you're not going to fail yours.

**[35:04]** So keep giving that nasiha, inshallah. And of course, with a proper way of giving that nasiha. But unfortunately, nowadays, a lot of people, they have this kind of conditional thing. Now, in regards to your intercession, you go to somebody, for example, someone comes and says, hey, could you please talk to Shaykh Omar for me, please, blah, blah, blah. And you say, of course, I'm going to talk to Shaykh Omar.

**[35:21]** And that friend of yours comes to you, Shaykh, hey, there's somebody who wants to talk to you, and you say, I'm sorry, I don't have time. And that friend of yours is like, are you kidding me? What am I going to tell him now? Right? Don't embarrass me. Take it, blah, blah, blah. And it creates fitna and resentment between friends. Like, look, you're not going to take my relationship with you, take advantage of that to get favors

**[35:40]** with people. Or one in the real world, Sheikh, recommendations for marriage, recommendations as employees, like, hey, that's my boy, I've got to, I can't say anything bad. So someone asks me, what do you think of this person? I'm considering them as a spouse.

**[35:55]** And you say only good things, but you know, like, it's probably not a good idea. So you're betraying the person who's asking you. And this is one of the permissible, by the way, means of backbiting. Like you know that someone like, you know, they asked Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) about a particular man for marriage, and Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) mentioned

**[36:14]** he carries a stick, like he's abusive. You know, so, and the other one holds his hand back. He's stingy. So I'm not going to intercede on behalf of someone on the basis of friendship, like you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, or recommend someone for work at VRIC or at Yaqeen just

**[36:30]** because they're friends, you know, I think they're good people. And no, like, you've got to be honest to these things. These are honest obligations, and they're serious matters to be taken into consideration. Even Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), even Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) intercession was rejected. And he didn't feel anything wrong about that.

**[36:47]** When Mughith came to Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) crying his eyes out, because Barira, his wife, was leaving him. And suddenly he felt, you know, oh my God, she's leaving. So he went to Abu Bakr as-Siddiq (رضي الله عنه), he went to Umar (رضي الله عنه), please talk to Barira, talk to Barira for me, and all these attempts failed.

**[37:04]** So now he went to Rasulallah (ﷺ). In his mind, if Barira is going to accept, she's going to accept Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), she's not going to say no to Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). That's what was in his mind. It was his expectation, right? So Mughith goes to Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), O Messenger of Allah, could you please

**[37:20]** talk to Barira for me? Like convince her to return back to me. SubhanAllah, the beautiful thing about it is Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), he didn't say come on man, I don't have time for these things. No. He, (ﷺ), he really felt with the man. He saw the broken heart, he saw his tears, he noticed how much love he had for his wife

**[37:41]** that she was leaving, and there wasn't of course reciprocal love unfortunately. So he just kind of like, Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) felt for him, he said okay, sure, I'll talk to her. And Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) goes to Barira. Now Mughith is expecting what? He's not going to reject Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) at her sessions.

**[37:56]** And the Prophet is telling Barira, yeah Barira, why don't you go back to Mughith? She said, O Prophet, am I free? Is that an order that I should obey? Or you're just interceding, you're giving me an advice? He goes, no, but Barira, that's not an order.

**[38:12]** Which means no obligation, it's up to you. She said, if that's the case, then I have no need for it. Not interested. She tells Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) who came to intercede. She said, I'm sorry, I'm not interested. Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) wasn't offended.

**[38:27]** He didn't say, how dare you? I'm the Prophet over here, right? He didn't say any of that stuff. He just, (ﷺ), and he goes back to Mughith. I'm sure that Mughif in that moment, probably he's going to like rubbing his hands. Bismillah, what's the answer, right? He's expecting to say, yes, she's back, insha'Allah ta'ala.

**[38:44]** Only to get a devastating news. When he got a devastating news, he was seen, and even the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) described that to his uncle, Al-Abbas (رضي الله عنه). He was seen in the marketplace crying his eyes out for Barira (رضي الله عنها). He exposed himself in that way, and his weakness, his vulnerability,

**[39:00]** his excessive love for her, he was crying. And the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), he looks at him and he goes, "O Abbas, don't you see how strange this is? How much Mughif loves Barira, and how much Barira hates Mughif?"

**[39:17]** That's the definition of non-reciprocal love, right? It's real, jama'ah. But the point from this story is the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), being the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), he went there to intercede. Without the expectation, she's not going to say no to me. And I was okay. That's right.

**[39:34]** People have the option and the choice to make their decisions. There's also, Shaykh, the story of Bilal (رضي الله عنه). Bilal (رضي الله عنه) obviously becomes such a noble scholar, a noble companion of the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). His brother was basically name-dropping him when trying to get married.

**[39:52]** So he went to a family, like, I'm Bilal's brother. Like, are you sure? Like, yeah, I'm Bilal's brother. Like, well, bring him to intercede on your behalf. So he goes to Bilal (رضي الله عنه) and says, listen, I'll go with you, but I'm going to tell them the truth about you. So I'm not going to, like, beat around the bush

**[40:07]** and say all these great things about you that aren't true. So if they bring me, then I'm going to have to just tell them who you actually are and some of the qualities that you can work on, you know. So Bilal (رضي الله عنه) goes. He gives an honest assessment of his brother, but they still take him because he's Bilal's brother.

**[40:23]** Like saying, if it's not for these ten bad qualities, he's still good. Yeah. Here's talking about as-sadaqah. Ibn Hazm moves right now to speak about what friendship is. What does it mean to be a friend to someone, really? Qala haddu as-sadaqah allathee yaduru ala tarafai mahdudi huwa.

**[40:40]** He says, the true definition of friendship, that is the middle point between two extremes, he says. It's the middle point between two extremes. He says, qal an yakuna al-mur'u yasu'uhu ma yasu'u al-akhar wa yasurruhu ma yasurra.

**[40:55]** Like usually, someone, whatever pleases you, pleases them. Whatever harms you or hurts you, it hurts them as well too. Qal fama safala an hadha falaysa sadeeq. He says, anyone who's less than that, who doesn't feel for you

**[41:10]** in good times and bad times, is not a good friend for you. That's what he said. Qal wa man hamala hadhi as-sifa fa huwa sadeeq. Whoever has that, he's a friend. Wa qad yakuna al-mur'u sadeeqan liman laysa sadeequhu. He says, sometimes you're a friend to someone who's not your friend.

**[41:25]** What does that mean? Like you have that feeling towards someone. Like I'm always pleased when I see good things happen to you. And it hurts me to see bad things happening to you. But the other person doesn't reciprocate that. So you are a friend of somebody who doesn't share with you

**[41:41]** the exact same level of friendship. I think that's real between people, right? And you find yourself exerting your effort. You're inviting them to dinners. You're trying to take them out. You bring them gifts. You're trying to win their friendship at the same equal level, but it never gets to that level.

**[41:56]** And that's the thing. Like you mentioned the example of Barira and Mughif. And Allah be pleased with them both. They're both Muslims. They're both, I mean, subhanAllah, companions of the Prophet (ﷺ). And that the love was just not there. That's an extreme example.

**[42:11]** Like how much he loves her, how much she hates him. But for everyone else, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment, even within a marriage. One person is going to love the other person more. One person is going to have a little bit more expectation than the other. So someone is going to be disappointed

**[42:27]** because you're never going to have full reciprocating of the friendship and of any type of companionship because that's how human beings actually are. So he says, so basically he says, this is the case above all with fathers and their sons, brothers and brothers, husband and wife,

**[42:42]** and all these little friendships. Because like the father sometimes, he had so much love, cares about their children, but the kids don't have the exact same feelings as their parents. And your father, whatever pleases you, they're happy for you. And it hurts you, it really hurts them. But the child is brutal, subhanAllah.

**[42:58]** They're just completely isolated themselves from their parents. They don't have the same feeling towards them. In my opinion, it might be the opposite. A husband and wife, the same thing. You find, for example, the husband, when something, there's a competition between husband and wife. So when his wife fails somewhere, he rejoices at that.

**[43:15]** And that's, what kind of relationship is that? Maybe people, they say your spouse is your best friend, right? Supposedly. But again, he tells us, look, let everybody that you're trying to be a friend with be equally a friend to you in that manner.

**[43:31]** He says, He goes, look, not every friend is a friend which means sincere to you. But anyone who is sincere to you is a friend, whether you take him as a friend or otherwise.

**[43:47]** Yeah, that's a beautiful line. That's a beautiful line. Like, so you're judging the value of people in your life based upon what advice they give you, right? And that's, subhanAllah, so that person on the day of judgment, like when the Prophet (ﷺ) mentions, that closest friends will be enemies to you on the day of judgment.

**[44:06]** Sometimes your best friend is the person who pointed out a flaw to you from a sincere place, maybe in a way you didn't like at all. But it actually caused you to improve. And on the day of judgment, you'd want to hug that person even though you want to smack him here. Because the value of what they gave you is actually really powerful.

**[44:23]** Yeah. Fadl, Shaykh. Thank you. Rahimahullah says, And the other, of course, in hadd, definition of nasiha, giving advice over here, not friendship right now. Like, it really hurts you or harms others.

**[44:40]** Like if you see somebody going through some difficulty, it hurts you. And as a result, you feel compelled right now to go and do nasiha. You want to give them the advice. It doesn't matter if it hurts them or otherwise. Like some people, for example, they commit sins, let's say,

**[44:57]** and they're happy with these sins. But someone who's a true friend to you, when they see you committing these sins, it hurts them and it bothers them. So being a good friend to you, they will come to you with the nasiha and say, look, listen, you shouldn't be doing that.

**[45:13]** That's not right. That's haram. That's not good for you because they care. We say that from the very beginning of the session that your friend is the one who gives you that compassionate blame. Like, look, listen, you shouldn't be doing that because I care about you. So he says, Rahimahullah ta'ala qal,

**[45:28]** wa aqsa ghayat as-sadaqah, and then the other extreme, of course, of understanding your friends or friendship, alati la mazida fiyah, when there is nothing higher than that, qal man sharakaka binafsihi wa malihi lighayri illatin tujibu dhalik.

**[45:44]** He says someone who is very altruistic. They share everything they have with you for absolutely no ulterior motive than just being your friend. Like they don't wait for something in return. La nuridum minkum jaza'an wa la shukura.

**[46:00]** We expect no thank you, no reward in return. We're doing it because we truly have that genuine love for you as a friend. Qal wa atharak ala masiwak, and he will always prefer you over other people with these things. Walaw la anni shahadtu mudaffaran wa mubarakan sahibay Balansiya,

**[46:19]** la qaddartu anna hadha al-khuluq ma'dumun fi zamanina. He says, if it wasn't that I have seen this kind of level of friendship happen between Mudaffar and Mubarak, the two masters of Balansiya in Spain at the time.

**[46:34]** He says, I would never believe that people can be friends, so good friends together to that level, like that altruistic, pure, puritanical love for one another. Now, I went to look at these two names, Mudaffar and Mubarak. I said, who are they?

**[46:49]** The fact that he mentioned them here as this is an example, the example, the top example of the meaning of friendship, sincere friendship. Sahibay Balansiya, they're leaders, leaders of Balansiya at that time, of Balansiya in Spain.

**[47:04]** Now, you know, when it comes to leadership, to be the highest position of leadership, it requires one individual. You have a council of advisors, right? But to be the top leader, the amir, the khalifah,

**[47:21]** you have to be one individual, right? Because it's so hard to keep two people together to rule, so you have to have one ruler. And even the Prophet, as I mentioned, if people differ over two, finish the other one. But keep one because that's going to create fitna.

**[47:36]** He says, I've never expected this to happen in real life the way I've seen this with Mudaffar and Mubarak. So I looked into it. If you would like to go and search that story, actually, it's an interesting story. SubhanAllah, it has something to do with our times as well too here. Mudaffar and Mubarak were from As-Saqaliba.

**[47:52]** As-Saqaliba was a name that was given to the converts back then in Muslim Spain. Many of them were, of course, they're considered white. So as a result, regardless of how much, of course,

**[48:07]** the Muslim community was very inclusive and so on, it was always tribal culture happened over there. Even among the Arabs in Spain at that time, including now the reverts or the Saqaliba, the same thing too. Although they've been integrated in the society as leaders

**[48:23]** and the army and everything and so on, but it has always been that difference they see among themselves. So there was a time when the state became very weak that they revolted and they took over Valencia and they became the governors in Valencia for quite a good time.

**[48:41]** And he said their story of being two rulers ruling over one city or one area without having any fitna or any betrayals or backstabbing each other, he goes, that was phenomenal. And he spoke in other actually book on their story.

**[48:59]** So look them up and see for yourself. Like I said, they could rarely find two people, they are genuine and sincere to their friendship until they're done. Shaykh, I think the best friends, Abu Bakr and Umar, may Allah be pleased with them both, like their example of friendship is so unique, phenomenal.

**[49:19]** They loved each other so much. And sometimes the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) has to, you know, basically judge between them, right? Because they're friends, they argue sometimes. But the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) was there amongst them

**[49:34]** as the clear leader to sort of always be the arbiter. When the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) dies, there's actually no disputes between Abu Bakr and Umar. I remember when I was studying their lives and teaching it, Khulafa al-Rashideen,

**[49:49]** there's not a single like documented argument between Abu Bakr, like at that point, the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) is gone, like Umar (رضي الله عنه), completely like it's Abu Bakr (رضي الله عنه). So I love that admiration, that respect was always there. One of my favorite stories is the story when the Sahaba asked Umar (رضي الله عنه)

**[50:07]** to go talk to Abu Bakr As-Siddiq (رضي الله عنه) to replace Usama ibn Zayd (رضي الله عنه) when he was sending the expeditions against the Romans. Why? Because Usama ibn Zayd (رضي الله عنه) was 17 or 18 years old and the Sahaba felt like he's too young.

**[50:24]** Now Abu Bakr was acting on an order of the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). So SubhanAllah, look at how the dynamics of friendship play out here. Everyone knows how close Umar is to Abu Bakr. So instead of going to Abu Bakr themselves, they say let's talk to Umar and see if Umar can talk to Abu Bakr for us.

**[50:39]** So they all gather, they tell 'Umar (رضي الله عنه) to go to Abu Bakr (رضي الله عنه) and ask him to replace Usama ibn Zayd (رضي الله عنه). They gather outside the house, 'Umar goes in to talk to Abu Bakr. As 'Umar is talking to Abu Bakr, Abu Bakr grabs him by the beard,

**[50:56]** pulls him down and says, you want me to disobey an explicit order from Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ)? Like you're 'Umar ibn al-Khattab al-Farooq. You're like the most adherent to the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) and the command of Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ).

**[51:12]** Are you saying you want me to disobey Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ)? And he's admonishing him and he uses the words may your mother lose you, which was a statement that they used to have back then, like an expression. Like what is wrong with you? How dare you?

**[51:28]** You know, tell me to disobey Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). You want me to go against an explicit order of Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ)? Now, knowing their dispositions, Abu Bakr (رضي الله عنه) is the kind, gentle, lenient one. 'Umar (رضي الله عنه) is the harsh one. But here, Abu Bakr pulls him by the beard.

**[51:43]** Physically, 'Umar could have fought him, right? But 'Umar (رضي الله عنه) just says, no, like I don't want you to disobey Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). And he gets up and he comes out of the house and he looks so upset and embarrassed.

**[51:58]** And they're like, what happened? He says, may all of your mothers lose you. Like Abu Bakr told him, may your mother lose you. He said, may all of your mothers lose you. He said, I hate making Abu Bakr mad. Like you guys made me make Abu Bakr mad.

**[52:13]** I hate making Abu Bakr mad. Like his ego wasn't bruised. Because he knew the heart of Abu Bakr. He knew that Abu Bakr was not just trying to score a point and humiliate him. He knew that at the end of the day, they're putting the deen first. That's the best type of relationship.

**[52:29]** Where you could have that type of relationship to where, like sometimes it needs to be forceful, but you know where it's coming from. Like you know I'm not trying to put you down, but like we're trying to uphold the standard here of the deen. And it's beautiful because how are they buried? Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) is buried.

**[52:44]** Abu Bakr (رضي الله عنه) to his shoulder. 'Umar (رضي الله عنه) to the shoulder of Abu Bakr as-Siddiq. It's so beautiful. Like 1,400 years and they're still buried right next to each other. And the people passing by and saying salam to all three of them. As they were in real life.

**[53:00]** Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), Abu Bakr to his shoulder, 'Umar to his shoulder. Allah be praised. You know the beautiful thing, Shaykh, about that story of the burial. When 'Umar ibn al-Khattab (رضي الله عنه) was stabbed. And he knew that his time was coming. That moment is so soft, so gentle.

**[53:16]** It's really very emotional. It makes you feel so emotional that moment. He goes, he sends a messenger to Umm al-Mu'minin 'Aisha (رضي الله عنها). And he seeks permission from her. Like he says, Ya Umm.

**[53:31]** I know that you're keeping that space for yourself. But do you mind if I take it to be buried next to my friends? I mean, that is a very emotional moment. How much he wants to be with his friends in life and death. Allahu Akbar. 'Aisha (رضي الله عنها), she says, you know, I was sparing that space for myself to be next to my dad and my husband.

**[53:51]** But, you know, Subhan'Allah, honoring 'Umar ibn al-Khattab for that request, she goes, you take it. And she gave it to him and she left that place (رضي الله عنها). She's buried in Al-Baqi' (رضي الله عنها). What an unbelievable friendship that was, Subhan'Allah. In life and in death.

**[54:07]** Ibn Hazm (رضي الله عنه), he now comes to a point that's very, very important. And this was learned from Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). He says in regards to the friendship eventually.

**[54:24]** How many friends do you really need to have in your life? And Subhan'Allah, going back again to the story of 'Umar ibn al-Khattab, that's very emotional. How many friends do you really need to have in your life? Do you need to have 10, 20, a million? How many do you need? He goes, look, there is no virtue which so much resembles bias as the faculty of having many friends and acquaintances.

**[54:52]** Like many people think to have followers being popular is a virtue. We live in that age, Imam. The age of celebrities, right? Everybody is fighting to be a celebrity and have as many followers as this and that. Again, because you cash on this right now.

**[55:07]** But back then, celebrity has its very unique status, right? He goes, look, there is no such thing as virtue that resembles bias such as trying to find so many followers and so many friends. You shouldn't be doing that.

**[55:22]** He says, look, because usually the friends, having a friend, it's a perfect virtue to have a friend with you. And these friends require from you, they become your friends because you have to expose, you have to exercise patience with them, generosity and loyalty and all these things.

**[55:41]** Basically, he says, how many people can you surround yourself with who are going to be practicing all of this with you? I need to practice all of this with them. Basically, you're going to exhaust yourself. You're going to exhaust yourself. And he said, like, it doesn't have to.

**[55:57]** And that resembles the statement of Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) when he says, He said, look, people are just like 100 camels. You can barely find one out of 100 camels suitable for a ride.

**[56:12]** And to keep that hadith in context, the Arab back then, obviously, they traveled to the desert. And the desert is a very perilous terrain. You go there on your own, if you don't have a strong camel to take you from point A to point B, you're dead. That's it.

**[56:27]** They developed a culture over there, the culture of generosity, of bravery. So that's why people at night, they light fire to guide travelers in the desert so they can find shelter because it has become a law among the people. Because tomorrow, I'm going to be traveling. And if I don't have anyone to light fire for me to guide me through, I'm going to be dead.

**[56:45]** So it became the culture of the Arab society of that time. So to go from point A to point Z, you have to have a strong camel, that you trust your life with it in this dunya. Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) is saying, out of a hundred camels, that all is good for maybe for meat, for maybe for skin, for whatever material you benefit from them.

**[57:09]** Barely one will be strong enough to carry you through the desert to take you to safety. Because people in this world are the exact same thing. Out of a hundred acquaintances, or you call friends around you, maybe one or two are enough to take you through that journey to Allah (سبحانه وتعالى)

**[57:29]** without going into, of course, into the sin of Jahannam. And most people, Shaykh, as they go through life, right? You start off with family, and then you grow up in that, and then you start getting exposed to friends. And then you go through adolescence, you go through your teens, you go through, then your friend circle grows.

**[57:47]** Then it shrinks again as you get older. And then most people find themselves at the time of their elderly age, like, you know, one or two friends and some family, right? But it's, Subhan'Allah, it's like a visual, right? You can see it like how Allah (سبحانه وتعالى) has made us in terms of nature.

**[58:03]** You're born and it's just your family. And then you even choose your friends over your family at some point. Like the friend circle becomes so big that you belittle the family. The family becomes that friend that he's talking about in the beginning of this chapter, the one that, you know, who actually cares about you.

**[58:19]** Whereas the person who doesn't really care about you, yadhadu fiqh, and you leave that person, you go to this widening circle of friends. And then the older that you get, the more difficult life becomes, the more terrain, people get busy, people become preoccupied, fallouts happen, all types of things.

**[58:35]** You just find yourself so lonely at the end, Subhan'Allah. And that's how the full circle of life actually comes. And the other thing, Shaykh, the more friends you surround yourself with, the more liabilities you put on yourself. Because now you have to check on them, to visit them when they fall sick.

**[58:51]** You have to make sure to attend their du'as and this and that. So imagine if you have 50 friends and everybody has kids and you're going to have to always be there for their good times and difficult times. And so can you imagine how much time is left for you?

**[59:08]** I remember that advice I got from a senior student from Jami'ah Islamiyyah in Medina when I first joined back in the days. So I remember that advice from him. He says, look, listen to me. He says, when you come here as a freshman, you're going to be excited over it because he said this Jami'ah, the Islamic University of Medina, it's an international school.

**[59:25]** You have people from every corner of the earth. And as a Muslim, when you see people from all places of the earth for the first time of your life, like you grew up in one country all your life and suddenly now you live in a place that's international. I have seen people from places I've never even knew that existed, to be honest with you.

**[59:43]** Even I've seen a Muslim from the Samoa Island. He was huge. His bag in his hand looked like a wallet. It's amazing. And so I've seen so many things.

**[59:58]** So obviously, you'd be curious to get to know the news about the Muslims in Africa and Europe and this place and that place. But that senior student, Alhamdulillah, Allah blessed me to meet him first as the first person who introduced me to the culture of studying in Islamic University of Medina.

**[1:00:13]** He said, look, listen to me. You're going to have to spend four years at least in this Jami'ah. You have plenty of time to know people. He says, people are going to try to know you. He says, in the first year at least, as much as you can, minimize your circle of friends.

**[1:00:29]** He says, get yourself busy, accustomed to what you came here for. Learn, educate yourself, seek that knowledge, surround yourself with one or two friends of yours, and leave those extra friends to come over the years. Wallahi, one of the most valuable advice I learned from him.

**[1:00:47]** I mean, Shaykh, look at Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). All these Sahaba, over a hundred thousand. But he's like, Abu Bakr is his day one and that's it. Like, khalas, this is my guy. You know, everyone knows at any point when things get serious that his inner, inner circle is smaller (ﷺ), right?

**[1:01:09]** And that's okay. Like, he has over a hundred thousand Sahaba. But Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) stands up on the minbar and he says that every single one of you that ever did something for me, I was able to repay you. Except for Abu Bakr. I've never been able to repay him.

**[1:01:25]** So he says, close all of these gates. You know, Sahaba had their gates to the masjid, they had their private entrances, right? He said, close all of these gates except for Abu Bakr. I've never been able to repay him. (رضي الله عنه). Like, it was understood that this is my inner circle.

**[1:01:42]** He shows courtesy to everyone. He will show courtesy to you (ﷺ) to the point that you'll think you're his best friend. The story of 'Amr al-'As, right? Like, he's only been Muslim for less than a year. He's been fighting Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) for all this time, but Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) treats him so well. So he says,

**[1:01:59]** Tell him who you love the most. He says, you want me to be honest, Abu Bakr? He says, then who? He says, Sorry, he says, 'Aisha. My wife. He says, no, no, no. He says, Abuha, her father. He says, then who? He says, then 'Umar. He said, then I just stopped asking.

**[1:02:14]** Like, I got the point. The point is that Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) has Sahaba. He has companions. He loves people. He treats everyone with so much nobility. A beautiful smile, 'alayhi assalam (ﷺ). Beautiful courtesy. But his inner circle, when push came to shove, it was Abu Bakr and 'Umar and 'Uthman and 'Ali.

**[1:02:31]** It was the Khulafa' al-Rashidun truly represent that inner circle of his. And in his innermost chamber, he had those certain people, Subhan'Allah, that were always kept close to him (ﷺ). And those are the names that are popular to the Muslims. Ibn Mas'ud, Bilal, 'Abdullah ibn 'Abbas. Like, these are the names that are popular to the Muslims.

**[1:02:48]** Like, people that were always around him (ﷺ) no matter what. Look how he honored them as well. Like, these people that we know right now as the most common names in the Sahaba circle, Subhan'Allah. Beautiful the way he honored them. For example, Mu'adh ibn Jabal. A very young man.

**[1:03:03]** But we know him as what? Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), he held his hand in the masjid. He goes, Ya Mu'adh. He says, inni uhibbuka fi-Allah. I love you for the sake of Allah. Fa-la tada'anna dhubra kulli salatin taqul: Allahumma a'inni 'ala dhikrika wa shukrika wa husni 'ibadatika. Don't you ever leave salah because I love you for the sake of Allah.

**[1:03:18]** After every fard salah, don't miss saying, Ya Allah, a'inni 'ala dhikrika, help me to remember you, wa shukrika, to be grateful to you, wa husni 'ibadatika, and worship you in the best way. Can you imagine what the honor that is to hold, to be held by the Prophet (ﷺ) and just, you know, say, I love you for the sake of Allah.

**[1:03:34]** That itself is an unbelievable opportunity. Another one, for example, Hudhayfah. Becoming the secret keeper for the Prophet (ﷺ). When the Prophet (ﷺ) was at the Battle of Tabuk on the way back, the hypocrites, they said, that's our chance.

**[1:03:49]** Whether we kill him now or otherwise, we're done. That's your golden opportunity. Let's finish him. So they plotted to kill the Prophet (ﷺ). And at night, during the darkest of the night, as the Prophet was going through another passage on the back of his camel, they wanted to provoke the camel that would overthrow him on the rocks and he would fall and would be hurt badly if not even actually killed.

**[1:04:09]** So when this happened and their plotting didn't work well for them, as they were running away in the darkness, the Sahaba, they all came to check what happened. What happened? And the Prophet (ﷺ), he grabs Hudhayfah and says, did you find him? Did you see him? They went from that direction.

**[1:04:24]** So he went and he came back. He said, did you see who they were? He said, no, Ya Rasulullah, I couldn't catch anybody. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, okay, then let me tell you who they are. It was fulan or fulan or fulan. He gave him the names. He gave him the list of all these hypocrites right now.

**[1:04:39]** They plotted to kill the Prophet (ﷺ). But did he order him to go after them and kill them? No, because the Prophet (ﷺ) says, I don't want the people to say that Muhammad is killing his friends or killing his companions, his followers. No. But just be aware of them, he says. Just be aware of them.

**[1:04:55]** And Hudhayfah never disclosed that secret to anybody. He died with that secret. The only time he was able to disclose the secret actually, when Umar (رضي الله عنه), he said to him, he said, Ya Hudhayfah, I ask you by Allah, did he count me among them?

**[1:05:13]** And Hudhayfah was just like, are you kidding me now? Like basically he said, no, I'm not going to kill anybody after you. Like, no, you know, basically, like, you know the answer. I'm not saying anything after that. And it's just like an unbelievable how the Prophet (ﷺ), when he really holds people as friends, he holds them dearly.

**[1:05:29]** So my dear brothers and sisters, I mean, frankly, now that Ramadan is coming to an end, alhamdulillah, I'm sure that your circles of friends all of a sudden exploded. Now, you know, so many more people. And that's, of course, you know, goes back to Shaykh Umar, the reason for that, helping you shake hands with everybody in the masjid every night, right?

**[1:05:50]** So now you have so many people that you call new friends and new acquaintances and so on. And probably maybe God knows how many new numbers, phone numbers, your phone, you know, added to your phone. But all of this, again, remember to filter that.

**[1:06:05]** Go back again to filter these circles, these friends. Who are these friends that you need them to keep them with you? Because, Rahimahullah ta'ala, he says here, ahlus safa, at the end, you know, when he says about the meaning of friendship, wa'lam anna ahlus safa, those that you need to keep sincerity with their friends, with their friendship,

**[1:06:23]** he says, those who are doing this and you keep them, they keep you close to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and the akhirah. Like a true friend that I want to keep around is the one that brings me closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and help me on that journey to al-akhirah.

**[1:06:39]** Like I want to survive like a camel that I'm riding in the desert. Those are the ones that you keep safa, the purity of your friendship. Otherwise, everybody else, treat them the way I told you before. That's what he says over here. Shaykh, can we just, in conclusion, just I'll quickly go over this section, go all the way to the bottom of the chapter.

**[1:06:59]** Qala nasu fee akhlaaqim ala sab'i maratib. He said people in regards to their character are in seven categories. So we'll just kind of go through them really quickly. Qala fa ta'ifatun tamdahu fil wajhi wa tathummu fil maghib. Wahadihi sifatu ahl al-nifaq min al-ayyabin.

**[1:07:15]** Wahadha khuluqun fashin fil nas, ghalibun alayhim. He says that the first category of people are those that praise you to your face and criticize you behind your back. And he said this is the characteristic of hypocrites and slanderers.

**[1:07:30]** And he says it's common. By the way, it says here mostly amongst men, but in Arabic, he's not saying rijal, he's just saying people in general. He's saying most people fall into this category where they will praise you to your face and they'll tear you up behind your back. Actually, something to say, subhanAllah, most people, is that his experience or is that just reality?

**[1:07:47]** Allah knows, right? Honestly, like, you know, you don't want to say that everyone's like that or most people are like that. But there is something to say about societal behaviors and accepted practices. Right. So they speak nice to you, to your face. They tear you up behind your back.

**[1:08:02]** And he said that's the most common. He says others criticize you to your face and they also criticize you behind your back. Meaning they're just they're nasty all the time. But at least they're not hypocrites. He said, this is the characteristic of slanderers who are powerful and just wicked.

**[1:08:27]** So basically, what I understand, Shaykh, is someone who has position anyway, like it doesn't matter. Basically, they have sharp tongues. Their tongue has no filter. Right. So it's like always, whatever is on their tongue, they just say it. They're rude in the way they speak to people.

**[1:08:45]** Like someone says, I would say it to his face. He starts backbiting and says, I would say it to his face. It's still ghibah, but you're just a jerk on top of being a backbiter. Like you're too, you're qabih. Like you're, that's not a praiseworthy thing. Like, and by the way, you hear it sometimes, like someone starts tearing someone up.

**[1:09:02]** And I'd say it to his face. That just means you have no respect. Like you're just a qabih person, right, as a whole, someone who's wicked as a whole. So then he says that there are those that flatter you to your face and behind your back. So they're always just flattering people.

**[1:09:19]** And he says, this is the characteristic of people who are like social climbers. Like they're just trying to always, they're opportunistic. Right. So they have like a pretty tongue because they're always trying to get to the next level. They're trying to climb the social pedestal. He says, others, again, criticize you to your face and praise you behind your back.

**[1:09:38]** And he says that this is the characteristic of fools and imbeciles. Virtuous people take care neither to praise nor to criticize you in your presence. Either they praise you in your absence or they refrain from criticizing you. Slanderers who are not hypocrites or ignorant say nothing to your face and they criticize you in your absence.

**[1:09:57]** So he's saying like someone could be an imam, but not a munafiq. They could be a slander, but not a hypocrite. He doesn't say anything nice to you. He stays quiet in front of you. But behind your back, he says all sorts of things about you. And he says, as for those who want a quiet life, then they neither praise you nor they criticize you,

**[1:10:14]** whether you're present or whether you are absent. And he's seen that I've seen these types of people for myself. And I've tested all of these categories and found them to be true. That basically the outward manifestation of how people treat you in front of you and behind you is a manifestation

**[1:10:30]** of the types of people that they actually are. And ultimately, he says at the end of this that, look, when you give advice, wa inna al-nasiha, he said, when you give advice to people, then do it in a private place and speak gently to people.

**[1:10:46]** And don't say to someone else that someone else has criticisms about you. Right. And, you know, because that would be to speak ill. So he says, you know, when you speak, if you speak bluntly, you might annoy them and you might discourage them. But he said instead you should speak to them with courtesy.

**[1:11:01]** And as Allah Azawajal says, qawlin layyina, a gentle word. And the Prophet (ﷺ) mentions to not do tanfeer, to not run people away from the religion. So he says, if you advise someone, take them to a private place, like manifest basically what hasn't been done with you. Give them direct advice, but not in a rude or harsh way.

**[1:11:19]** And at the same time, he said, don't insist on seeing your advice taken. Because at the same, because you could be doing wrong since you could be mistaken and you would be insisting on him accepting your error and rejecting the truth. So it's sometimes you give advice that you think is truthful.

**[1:11:34]** Good advice. Give it straight. Give it in private, with dignity, with love. But at the same time, don't push too far after that. Khalas, you gave the word of nasiha, move on after that. And basically don't be any of these categories that he's mentioned of hypocrites and slanderers and flatterers and social climbers.

**[1:11:51]** He's saying just be someone that's consistent. You know, there's a there's a saying that the best the best friend is the one who speaks to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala about you. Right. Meaning they go to Allah Azawajal, they make du'a for you and behind your back, they speak well of you.

**[1:12:11]** Right. So behind your back, they speak well of you. In front of you, they give you some criticism that you need to hear and then they make du'a for you at night. And that is sort of the the barrier between the two that that which fills the overall goodwill that you would have towards another believer.

**[1:12:26]** I summarized all of that. It's a lot to take in. But, you know, because of the sake of time, I think we should move on. So we're going to start taking questions inshallah right now while we get the microphones ready. We have a question, a very interesting question about having non-Muslim friends, because it's it's is it concerning that the only friends of a Muslim person who passed the test of time are atheists?

**[1:12:46]** Yes. Absolutely. And this is what I was saying, like the other day about, I think, two nights ago when he says, like, befriend people of integrity, you know, people that are upon a religion, even if it's not your religion. He's not talking about the company that you keep on a regular basis.

**[1:13:01]** He's talking about your dealings and things of that sort. Look, al mar'u ala dini khalilihi, you're on the religion of your company. And there are always going to be good Muslims that manifest some of the best values that are practicing it. But you need to look for them in the right places.

**[1:13:19]** Expect that even in the right places, you're going to find the wrong type of characters, that people are going to fall through those filters. But keep yourself in good social settings and good social circles where you have believers that also meet the quality of character and meet the standards of character.

**[1:13:36]** I'll say this as well. I think this is an important point. It's not like Muslims are worse than other people. But you get disappointed when you see some of the things that you find with everybody else, even amongst Muslims. It's just more pronounced because, like, I didn't expect to find that even amongst the Muslims.

**[1:13:54]** But proportionally speaking, you're going to see that, unfortunately, as religion is not consequential in our individual lives and bettering our character, the impact of that is that it's not going to distinguish us then on the basis of character from everyone that's around us.

**[1:14:11]** So it's a proportionality thing. It's a disappointment thing that you'll find the same social flaws, the same character ills amongst the Muslims. But I would challenge anyone that says the Muslims are worse. I don't think the Muslims are worse than the general population in regards to these things. I think that you just get disappointed when you find them amongst Muslims.

**[1:14:28]** So try to find good friends amongst the believers in the circles of knowledge, in the circles of Quran, in the circles of goodness, in the capacity of da'wah, in the capacity of justice and working for good. Try to find good people there and let that be your closest circle, bi'idhnillahi ta'ala.

**[1:14:45]** It's one of the points, of course, you know, people, they, when you expect from Muslims better than that and you see the horrible thing that you see from other people, like you said, it's really, it's more pronounced. And that's why people, they always criticize Muslims because you're supposed to know better than this.

**[1:15:01]** Now, let's see a question, inshallah ta'ala, from the brother or the sisters and make sure that someone did not ask for the passage of night. Sisters, go ahead. As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Wa alaykum as-salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. I have a question regarding namimah when it comes to two different ayat. A'udhu billahi minash shaitanir rajim.

**[1:15:17]** La yuhibbu Allah ad-jahra bi-s-su'i minal qawli illa man dhulim. Anna ayah ya ayyuhal ladheena amanu idha ja'akum fasiqun binaba antha tabayanu an tasweebu qawman bi jahala. When it comes to these two ayat, how do you navigate that, especially when it comes to defending your reputation from slander, or when it comes to exposing the truth about oppression you or someone else experienced?

**[1:15:39]** Do you want to take this one or? Well, I'll just mention a thing from Ibn Qudamah, rahimahullah ta'ala. In regards to the first ayah, la yuhibbu Allah ad-jahra bi-s-su'i minal qawli illa man dhulim. That Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, he dislikes that you speak anything like ill words or.

**[1:16:00]** ... to end anyway, except in retaliation to a wrong that's been done to you. And that's what Ibn Qudamah, rahimahullah ta'ala says. The meaning of that, with all due respect, like if someone says, with all due respect, if someone says you're stupid, are you allowed to say, no, you're the one who's stupid? He goes, yeah, you are allowed to say that. However, better not to. That's what it means over here.

**[1:16:20]** But if someone says you're stupid, you have no right to say you're stupid and dumb and idiot and this and that and so on and so on. Now that becomes injustice, right? It becomes dhulm right now. You cross the line. So that's the level of the meaning of that. But as so I think we should actually keep it within that limit,

**[1:16:39]** not to think that, you know what, I can speak ill about them freely without any limitation. That becomes backbiting and ghibah. Yeah, the only other thing I'd add to that is that there's a difference when you yourself are the victim because you can easily verify something that's been done to you.

**[1:16:55]** But when you hear about something in the community, I'll tell you that one of the biggest mistakes people make is that they just assume that everyone fits the same category as them. So like if I've been victimized in a particular way and I hear someone else making a claim to that,

**[1:17:10]** then all the standards of evidence and truth go out the window because, you know, it's a cause for you now. And in that process you might wrong someone, right? Because you might be throwing someone else under the bus that's actually not guilty of anything but it became a cause to you because it's so personal.

**[1:17:27]** So anyone that makes a claim that sounds similar to the claim that you made, they're a victim even without verification. That's just not the way that the deen works. Like the Sharia has very strong litmus tests here to avoid conflation of causes, to avoid conflation of cases because conflation of cases takes away from actual causes, right?

**[1:17:48]** You tack on real cases or you tack on fake cases to real cases. And so when you're the victim, you can speak to the extent that's necessary for you to get justice. But don't sit there and then say, all right, let me find everybody else who claims to be victimized the same way that I am

**[1:18:08]** and let's bunch it all together and turn it into a cause and a rallying cry. That's not the way that this works, right? There has to be individual verification on a case-by-case basis. And that's how the Sharia establishes balance in society. Like people don't like that sometimes but it is necessary and when you deal in qada,

**[1:18:26]** you start seeing like why it's necessary, you know, when you actually have to do qada. You know, Ibn Taymiyyah says, he goes, at times of disputes, the circle of haram shrinks.

**[1:18:43]** The means of that is that what people once considered to be inappropriate, 'ayb, haram, wrong, suddenly is justified, it's out of that circle right now. It shrinks. Everything that was wrong in the big circle, when the circle shrinks, is already outside of that circle.

**[1:19:00]** So they allow themselves to say things they usually don't say, do things they don't usually do, and behave in a certain way that is not, you know, their character. All of this justified by Ibn Hazm's statement when he was talking the other day about the worst thing that I've seen the Shaitan, that he sees people with, is when they say,

**[1:19:17]** well, he started it or she did that or she started it. So this is the worst excuse you can give to yourself. And the second thing is just like I've done this before, so, you know, what's the difference? So I think people should understand, at time of dispute, the circle of justice right now, it shrinks.

**[1:19:36]** So be careful with that. I see I was smiling when I saw this question over here. I don't know if I should say that. Should I read that on the top right? That's on you, Shaykh. It's up to you.

**[1:19:51]** So someone is asking, says, the men would like to know Shaykh Yasser's beard routine. Habibi, it's natural, all natural. Seriously, brother Mohammed, I know he's here, brother Mohammed, Mohammed Abu Aisha.

**[1:20:07]** He's, mashallah, he actually, a place called Fades, he does that stuff. So every night, secretly he comes to fix and iron my beard. Except he didn't show up tonight. Except for tonight. Yeah, all night about friends. So you see Shaykh Yasser coming out with the smoke coming out of his beard and like so

**[1:20:24]** he's sitting down, like he's just got a fresh perm on the beard. Like that's, that's Mohammed. Let's see from the brother, inshallah. Any question from the brother, Shaykh? Assalamu alaikum. Assalamu alaikum. So I have one question. Like, you said that like friends should build up a certain amount of trust on each other.

**[1:20:42]** But sometimes like, it goes like, we are behaving honest. Like, one person is behaving like, way too much honest. They think that like some people tend to think that that person is being fake. So what's your perspective on that?

**[1:20:57]** Like, how should one can like, make him realize that he's just being honest. He's not becoming like fake or he's just acting someone he's not. I think you just need to know that you're being honest. You don't need to make, you don't need to make anyone else understand who, what's.

**[1:21:13]** Look, in general, subhanallah, the way the Muslim approaches the world, is that they have husn adhan for other people. They have good assumptions. So even if like, someone gave me advice in a really harsh way or in a way I didn't like it, or someone appears to be grandstanding or whatever it is, right?

**[1:21:29]** At the end of the day, I'm gonna, if I'm trying to live up to my own virtues, then my husn adhan would be that I make excuses for that person. I'd say, no, they're really trying to say something. They're really trying to get to the truth. And then for yourself, you just need to make sure that you're sincere. But at the end of the day, when people don't like what they hear,

**[1:21:48]** they will look for excuses to not hear what they were supposed to hear, right? So they'll look for excuses to make the person out to be a certain way, so that they can escape the consequences of receiving that advice. So a question here, it's an interesting question. I feel like the more honest, the more direct I am, the more friends I lose.

**[1:22:07]** I have lost friendship that I would never expect. It's like Ibn Hazm did, right? And it can sometimes get lonely. So basically, how do you reconcile the integrity of honesty with the reality of potential loneliness? So because I don't know the individual here that's asking the question,

**[1:22:24]** the answer could be one of two things. If there's actual ghurbah that is found, actual estrangement that is found, I feel like, is there a sniper behind us? What's going on here? There's movement, something like that. Okay. If there's actual ghurbah, actual estrangement that's found,

**[1:22:40]** because you're doing the right thing, and you become estranged as a result of that, then that's one thing. Okay? But if you're alienating people with your tongue, and you have a rough disposition,

**[1:22:55]** then you should try to maybe refine the character too and see what it is. If I'm being objectionable and alienating people, then that could be a possibility that the problem is with me. The problem is actually with my tongue. So that's what I'm saying. When you read a character like Ibn Hazm,

**[1:23:10]** don't just default to make yourself Ibn Hazm. Actually be self-critical and say, well, am I doing something that's alienating in that regard? But if you're losing people because you're refusing to commit certain sins, or refusing to acquiesce to certain gossip or certain lowly morals,

**[1:23:25]** or refusing to abandon certain virtues, then that is a virtue. At that point, that's healthy ghurbah. That's healthy estrangement. You say, alhamdulillah, I wasn't rude to anybody, but at the same time, I insisted on my principles. So I was able to maintain that, and in the process, I lost friends.

**[1:23:41]** Alhamdulillah for that. Allah 'Azza wa Jalla filtered them out for me. I also want to add, usually, you ask yourself the question, how long this relationship has been going on for first? Like how do you know this person was a true friend? I mean, someone you just met in the semester, for example, you met at work, and you've been together maybe for the past few months,

**[1:23:57]** or maybe one year or two years. And within those two years, you only interacted not so many times to say that this relationship has been solidified. So if a person doesn't like you to be direct with them and give them the nasiha,

**[1:24:12]** and you look after them for the betterment and so on, frankly, you're not losing a friend. You're just losing an acquaintance. That's it. But friends are those who you really want them to carry your load with you to the akhirah.

**[1:24:28]** That's what you call real friends. And frankly, if you ask me, like the professor mentioned, it's only one or two people that you need in your life to call them close friends. And the rest of them are just not necessarily friends, but people you know. It's the fire that gives you warmth, but you don't jump into it.

**[1:24:44]** Absolutely. And that's why all these chapters sort of connect, right? And the whole concept of loneliness, Shaykh, I mean, there's a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. You can be in a huge gathering, and you're still feeling lonely. And you're going to be alone, but you feel just alhamdulillah satisfied.

**[1:25:00]** So being alone does not necessarily mean you're lonely. So it's a feeling, maybe you allowed yourself to feel that way because your dependence on those relationships made you lose the true meaning of companionship. So I hope, inshallah, that we have a better understanding of it.

**[1:25:16]** Shaykh, I couldn't help notice most of these questions over here. There are two themes over there. Number one is many, many young people concerned about having friends with non-Muslim friends, especially going to college. And like you said, some people, because they're expecting the Muslims to have a better way,

**[1:25:32]** and as a result, they head to the non-Muslims because the betrayal from the Muslim friends, for example, was too severe for them. So that's one thing about having non-Muslim friends. And many other people, they're asking about how to deal with friends' betrayal. Like it seems that there's so many questions people say about,

**[1:25:48]** you know, expect a friend to betray, and how to forgive them after betrayal, and all these different questions, subhanallah. So what do we do with this? I mean, so the first part of that question is, look, the deen calls you to be courteous and kind, and be good with your acquaintances,

**[1:26:04]** be good with your colleagues, be good with friends. All of that is fine, but don't, like, we're not just saying, like, don't accustom yourself to people that aren't Muslim. Don't accustom yourselves. Someone who doesn't inspire you,

**[1:26:20]** and lead you to the right way. So in general, surround yourself with just people of higher aspirations in the deen, so that you can, they can rub off on you, right? So this is more of like who you choose to be your closest company on a regular basis, and the types of circles that you really pursue

**[1:26:37]** very intentionally for the sake of Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. On the subject of betrayal, look, at the end of the day, it's, when you see, when you start to see that the test of people are like all other tests in life,

**[1:26:52]** that Allah 'Azza wa Jal has put them in your life with the potential to bring about an amazing reward for you, then you start to take those things a lot easier. They still hurt, and it hurts more when there's a face to it, right, when there's a face to that hurt,

**[1:27:08]** to that hurt and that hatred, right? But at the end of the day, you know, it's like, you know, I remember subhanallah, one of the most beautiful nasiha, I remember Shaykh Mokhtar Maghrawi was talking about Ta'if, and he said when Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ)

**[1:27:23]** was being stoned in Ta'if, like it was as if he didn't see those people, in the sense like Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) was just looking up to Allah and saying, what do I need to do with this? Right, and that's why his hatred, or he didn't develop such a hatred towards them,

**[1:27:38]** because his perspective was at the end of the day, I'm being tested by the people of Ta'if, and there's something that Allah wants to bring out of me as a result of this. So when you start to see people as just a subcategory of tests and trials, as ibtila' in your life, then you don't get too focused on who they are,

**[1:27:54]** instead you get more focused on what does Allah 'Azza wa Jal want from me out of this, how do I come out of this on top, with a greater reward, with a greater character, how do I maintain the moral high ground, how do I attain a greater piece of Jannah as a result of this, and how do I not become that person to someone else.

**[1:28:10]** Because that's the problem, you get older, you get wiser, that's what they say, but wiser here can just mean that you actually start to take on the bad qualities of those that have shown it to you, and you start to show that to other people as a result of that. So how do I not become the person who oppressed me to someone else?

**[1:28:26]** How do I not let that kill the light, steal the light that's inside of me? When it comes to grudges, I'll say this, subhanAllah, in these last few days of Ramadan, it's not much left. Liberate yourself from your grudges. It's so liberating.

**[1:28:42]** It's so liberating. Force yourself to make du'a for the person that hurt you, even if it just means may Allah guide them. Liberate yourself from your grudges. SubhanAllah, when you liberate yourself from your grudges, you make du'a, you free yourself from it.

**[1:28:58]** That doesn't mean you have to befriend people again, it doesn't mean you have to be best friends, but hey, I forgive you. And I want you to know my door is open, and we reconcile for the sake of Allah. It's Ramadan, we reconcile for the sake of Allah. I forgive you, I hope you forgive me.

**[1:29:14]** The liberation of that, you'll feel like a mountain just got taken out of your chest. That's why I like that narration of Abdullah ibn Salam (رضي الله عنه), radiyAllahu ta'ala anhu, who is a man from the people of Jannah, or sorry, Abdullah ibn Amr ibn As (رضي الله عنهما),

**[1:29:30]** where the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) says a man is going to walk through this door that is a person of Jannah, and he goes and he follows the man, thinking that this man prays extra at night, fasts extra during the day, but he finds him to be a very ordinary human being. So at the end of it,

**[1:29:46]** he asks him, what's your secret? The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said you're a person from Jannah, but you're not praying extra, you're not fasting extra, you're not doing these extraordinary acts of charity. For all purposes, you seem like a very average Muslim. What is it about you?

**[1:30:02]** And what is it? Every night he sleeps free from grudges. He forgives people. It's liberating. So don't be shackled by that pain or by making it the sole focus of your entire existence. Instead, translate that pain,

**[1:30:18]** just like all other pain, into the pursuit of paradise. I'm not minimizing, by the way, pain that's caused by people. I'm not minimizing betrayal. It's very hard. The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) struggled with it.

**[1:30:34]** The Sahaba had a hard time with people. They had to pray next to people that killed their parents, killed their brothers, and they had to find ways to work it out. So I'm not minimizing it. What I'm saying is, maximize the reward and not just the benefits in the hereafter,

**[1:30:50]** but the benefits in this world as well. Use these last few moments of Ramadan to ask Allah to remove it from your heart. Just translate that du'a. Ask Allah to help you remove that grudge from your heart. Ask Allah to help you forgive. And you will feel like a different person as a result of that.

**[1:31:06]** May Allah help us all to clear our hearts from those grudges. JazakAllah khair. Tomorrow, we're going to be skipping chapters 7 and 8. And we're going to be doing chapter 9, insha'Allah. To continue with the same discussion.

**[1:31:22]** I hope Allah (SWT) opens our hearts to our dear brothers around us to remove any ill feelings towards one another, ya Rabb al-'alamin. We ask Allah to keep our friends sincere to us and we are sincere to them, ya Rabb al-'alamin. And strengthen our ties with our loved ones in this world and in the hereafter.

**[1:31:38]** JazakAllah khair.

## Other Episodes in "Midnight Majlis"
- [Loving the People Who Remember Allah | Midnight Majlis S2 Ep. 7](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/midnight-majlis-s2-ep7-loving-the-people-who-remember-allah.md)
- [The Beauty of the Light of Allah | Midnight Majlis S2 Ep. 5](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/midnight-majlis-s2-ep5-the-beauty-of-the-light-of-allah.md)
- [Leave Your Nafs Behind and Come to Allah | Midnight Majlis S2 Ep. 6](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/midnight-majlis-s2-ep6-leave-your-nafs-behind-and-come-to-allah.md)
- [Freeing Yourself From Other Than Allah | Midnight Majlis S2 Ep. 4](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/midnight-majlis-s2-ep4-freeing-yourself-from-other-than-allah.md)
- [Allah Will Love You For Your Dhikr | Midnight Majlis S2 Ep. 3](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/midnight-majlis-s2-ep3-allah-will-love-you-for-your-dhikr.md)
- [Your Dhikr Makes You Beautiful | Midnight Majlis S2 Ep. 2](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/midnight-majlis-s2-ep2-your-dhikr-makes-you-beautiful.md)
- [When Your Heart Makes Dhikr | Midnight Majlis S2 Ep1](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/midnight-majlis-s2-ep1-when-your-heart-makes-dhikr.md)
- [Getting Past A Grudge | Midnight Majlis](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/getting-past-a-grudge-midnight-majlis.md)
- [Between Self-Admiration and Self-Hatred | Midnight Majlis](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/between-self-admiration-and-self-hatred-midnight-majlis.md)
- [How to Become A Great Person | Midnight Majlis](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/how-to-become-a-great-person-midnight-majlis.md)
- [Be Your Own Toughest Critic | Midnight Majlis](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/be-your-own-toughest-critic-midnight-majlis.md)
- [When People Cause You Pain | Midnight Majlis](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/when-people-cause-you-pain-midnight-majlis.md)
- [You Choose To Be Learned or Lost | Midnight Majlis](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/you-choose-to-be-learned-or-lost-midnight-majlis.md)
- [Defeat Your Ego Before It Defeats You | Midnight Majlis](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/defeat-your-ego-before-it-defeats-you-midnight-majlis.md)
- [How to Break Free from Anxiety | Midnight Majlis | Dr. Omar Suleiman and Sh. Yaser Birjas](https://yaqeeninstitute.org/watch/series/midnight-majlis/how-to-break-free-from-anxiety-midnight-majlis.md)